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Is it me or the city?

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h1308
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Is it me or the city?

Postby h1308 » Sat, 04 May 2013 10:29 pm

As I enjoy the clear night with a glass of red in my hand, I am drawn in to some reflection... have got quite a few experiences already in the three months that my little one and I have been here. So was wondering if it is me or the city?

Being a single parent is tough, but rewarding, very rewarding. However, am not sure how many people in this city (or our materialistic world) appreciate this? Now this is not to solicit emails for meetups, but I thought that in a new city, a single father will have at least some chance to make new friends for his daughter and for himself. But so far, I've had almost zero success, and many dates cancelled at the last minutes (most on me, a couple on my kiddo as well.) But today, I had two canceled, which is what prompted me to reflect:

1. Will it be different for two parent family to meet new people in Singapore?

2. What about single mother (I suppose for single mothers, there might be a queue of men waiting for a date- considering how tough and yet gentle the mother will have to be- something I truly appreciate.)

3. Am I doing something wrong? What would you have done in my situation? I've contacted old friends - both with and without kids with moderate success, office mates- with zero success, random people in the building with almost zero success, and this forum- again with zero success.

Thoughts welcome. Well reflected thoughts truly appreciated.

Let the talk begin.

mosdef
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Postby mosdef » Sun, 05 May 2013 1:36 pm

you will find that this city is full of transient people. relationships are hard to build because people don't last long here. even when they do, they take a while to get built. you only have been here for 3 months. technically you are still somewhat of a stranger to the people that cancel on you, they don't really owe you anything. My friend who are single parents have made good friends through their kids' school or through organized groups for single parent www.meetup.com

appreciate the people that make time for you but don't take it personally if people cancel on you.

You are not in Kansas anymore Dorothy. You should switch to beer.

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Postby sundaymorningstaple » Sun, 05 May 2013 2:36 pm

Yep, no welcome wagon here. Where I'm from, a new neighbour moves in on the weekend, we all make a pot lunch, bring it over, and offer to lend a hand. Of course I'm from Small Town USofA but it's much the same as here, today, in the major cities unless you are lucky. I'd have to agree with mosdef about the reasoning why a lot don't bother though. I been here over 3 decades now, so 95% of my "friends" & neighbours are local now. But it does get tiresome to keep trying to cultivate friends here.

trebleclef81
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Re: Is it me or the city?

Postby trebleclef81 » Mon, 06 May 2013 12:39 am

I'm divorced single mother myself. I have a 4 year old boy who goes to full day preschool, and I often wish to let him have playmates on weekends. It's different when parents group their kids together, and when he meets other random kids by himself at the playground of a restaurant.

The worse thing is, I'm a local. I do have friends, but they're busy with their own family lives. So I end up either hanging out with other single mothers, or I just hang out with my boy.

I meet new people, either through professional networking or through this forum, and my findings are, that's as far as it gets. I'm not even looking to date specifically, I'm only hoping to find new people I can connect with (man, woman, doesn't matter). Not many understand the frustrations of a single parent and our motivation for wanting to have people around us, if not us, our kids.

I have no problems eating lunch on my own weekdays, or hanging out just me and my boy but I don't want to isolate my boy every weekend.

I do think it's easier for two parent families to meet, because they just do it and even if they don't, they spend their time together as a family doing family things. No big complains there.

Do I have a queue of men waiting to date me? Nope. I don't go around announcing I'm available to new people I meet. I just did.

Possibly because:
1) local men aren't as open to single mums
2) single mums have learned hard life lessons, we get picky with who to date. If I have to arrange for babysitting and leave my child for the evening, I'd better have an enjoyable time.
3) so if not local men... what about expat men? I have my own findings about this, but it's not relevant at this moment.

It takes effort meeting new people, and it's tiring. We shouldn't cancel out on a prior commitment, but some people are not hesitant to do so if they feel like being lazy that weekend.

You're not doing anything wrong. It's a matter of right time, right people, right place. I'd suggest you find a weekly routine class for yourself and your girl that you can stick to (art jam, soccer, taekwondo whatever catches your girl's fancy) where you get to consistently meet the same group of adults. Even if you get nowhere with that, at least you occupy yourselves and the weekend passes a little faster (and more bearable).





h1308 wrote:As I enjoy the clear night with a glass of red in my hand, I am drawn in to some reflection... have got quite a few experiences already in the three months that my little one and I have been here. So was wondering if it is me or the city?

Being a single parent is tough, but rewarding, very rewarding. However, am not sure how many people in this city (or our materialistic world) appreciate this? Now this is not to solicit emails for meetups, but I thought that in a new city, a single father will have at least some chance to make new friends for his daughter and for himself. But so far, I've had almost zero success, and many dates cancelled at the last minutes (most on me, a couple on my kiddo as well.) But today, I had two canceled, which is what prompted me to reflect:

1. Will it be different for two parent family to meet new people in Singapore?

2. What about single mother (I suppose for single mothers, there might be a queue of men waiting for a date- considering how tough and yet gentle the mother will have to be- something I truly appreciate.)

3. Am I doing something wrong? What would you have done in my situation? I've contacted old friends - both with and without kids with moderate success, office mates- with zero success, random people in the building with almost zero success, and this forum- again with zero success.

Thoughts welcome. Well reflected thoughts truly appreciated.

Let the talk begin.

heliotropic365
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Postby heliotropic365 » Mon, 06 May 2013 2:39 pm

i'm married with no kids, and i've been in sg for 4 years. i've definitely found it challenging to establish long term friends here, but some of the best platforms i've found has been sports related. try playing soccer, or practice martial arts, or yoga, or maybe sign your daughter up for sports and see who you meet that way?

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Postby msliz » Thu, 16 May 2013 10:53 pm

Hello, I'm sorry to hear how it has been difficult for you and your little girl, and I hope things will get better.
I can't offer much thought as I'm not married and no kid either, but what I can say is that in Singapore (or other Asian countries I must say), it is usually not easy to make new friends, some lucky ones will find new friends that can click immediately, but most cases, it takes time and effort too.
As for unsuccessful attempts to contact old friends, oh well, busy city, busy people, different priorities - all the cliches and yet true stuff.

So don't give up. Do your best and soon I'm sure things will look up. :)

Perhaps you can sign up your daughter for some activities (ballet, music-related, etc)?

Seymour
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How old is your daughter? My boy is just over 2 years old

Postby Seymour » Fri, 17 May 2013 4:21 pm

Hi, I am sorry to hear that it's that hard here. I come from London where one can very quickly make wonderful friends. I would like to know how old your daughter is. Maybe she would enjoy hanging out with us and our 2 year old and some of our friends once we are a bit more settled?

We just got to Singapore on Saturday to stay indefinitely but my spouse studied here undergrad and worked a few years before we met in Europe so we have a decent network of friends here who are very friendly, mostly non-locals, many PRs now though.

On another note, last minute cancellations are so rude!

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Postby totsandbops » Fri, 07 Jun 2013 11:31 am

I have a friend who is an expat single parent to 2 kids under 10, and although she does have a busy social life (ok and a quite hectic work schedule), she can't seem to find any other parent in the same situation, single parenting far from home with no family around to help out.

It would be so good for her to meet with other people in the same situation who can actually understand what it's like, just to talk/rant about it, which can feel so good sometimes!

Although she's got quite a few expat friends here, none of them have to face raising children on their own, and it would be good to have a bunch of friends who are going through the same things (friends, not dates!).

I'm determined to prove her that there are other parents like her around, and that they all should get together sometime and just talk about all those things around a bottle of wine or a nice tall cup of latte.

And I'm also pretty sure it would be good for the kids to meet other kids in the same situation.

Anyone in?

Seymour
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Postby Seymour » Mon, 01 Jul 2013 10:04 pm

Maybe you aren't in that big a rush to meet new people for you and your girl since you don't even reply to suggestions to have a playdate! :wink:

At least you need to change the line 'with zero success' referred to this forum.

Are you by any chance in Ridgewood area?

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Postby yogaloungeforever » Sat, 27 Jul 2013 8:15 pm

I am sorry to hear of your predicament. As mentioned by some of the forumers here, I have to agree it's not easy to find people who are decent and acceptable of a single parent in Singapore (actually I have to admit, it's tough being a single parent in Asia). I was in Europe for a long time and tho I am still single in Singapore, I find it harder to meet people (girls / guys) here than in Europe. In the UK it would be easier to go on Meet-up.com and there I will be able to find like-minded career people at my age who are also on the look-out for a great social life. In Asia, especially the women-folk, they are mostly married before their 30s and already with a family of their own. The ones who are still single don't see Friday / Saturday nights out as a great time to meet people. Asian people in general are homely people. As for Asian men / women, unless he's western-educated, it would not be easy to find one who will accept a single mum. The local men / women seem to view single parent as a no-go simply because they can't see themselves being a father / mother to someone else's children. I guess it is the culture and mind set. As for the single white / caucasian men, I have to agree that most of them here have caught the yellow fever. But speaking to them you will realise why. I keep getting told that they want a woman who is not so career-minded and will take care of him! Like some of the suggestions forwarded by some forumers here, you might want to start slow by attending classes or events. Maybe, you might want to consider online dating. At least, your marital status is stated upfront.
Life is short hence I live it to its fullest, that is .... I eat and sleep

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Postby the lynx » Mon, 29 Jul 2013 9:11 am

yogaloungeforever wrote:I am sorry to hear of your predicament. As mentioned by some of the forumers here, I have to agree it's not easy to find people who are decent and acceptable of a single parent in Singapore (actually I have to admit, it's tough being a single parent in Asia). I was in Europe for a long time and tho I am still single in Singapore, I find it harder to meet people (girls / guys) here than in Europe. In the UK it would be easier to go on Meet-up.com and there I will be able to find like-minded career people at my age who are also on the look-out for a great social life. In Asia, especially the women-folk, they are mostly married before their 30s and already with a family of their own. The ones who are still single don't see Friday / Saturday nights out as a great time to meet people. Asian people in general are homely people. As for Asian men / women, unless he's western-educated, it would not be easy to find one who will accept a single mum. The local men / women seem to view single parent as a no-go simply because they can't see themselves being a father / mother to someone else's children. I guess it is the culture and mind set. As for the single white / caucasian men, I have to agree that most of them here have caught the yellow fever. But speaking to them you will realise why. I keep getting told that they want a woman who is not so career-minded and will take care of him! Like some of the suggestions forwarded by some forumers here, you might want to start slow by attending classes or events. Maybe, you might want to consider online dating. At least, your marital status is stated upfront.


By the way, meetup.com is available in Singapore...

yogaloungeforever
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Postby yogaloungeforever » Mon, 29 Jul 2013 9:48 am

yep i am aware of this. just that the quality of people on meetup.com singapore is not on par with the ones on meetup.com europe. I just can't find to find anyone who's educated and yet have a career and able to speak proper english with more than 1 hobby :)


the lynx wrote:By the way, meetup.com is available in Singapore...
Life is short hence I live it to its fullest, that is .... I eat and sleep


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