Parenting is not one of those events where you can sign up for 3 months probationary period and if it is not for you, you can quit. Once you pop out the baby, you are stuck for life
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Maternal instinct does not come easy for me. It was difficult, from the very beginning. I had severe morning sickness. It lasted for the entire first pregnancy. I would throw up while brushing teeth, at the dentist, the smell and sight of most foods. Both births were emergency c-section. If not for modern medical advancement, I would not have survived. And breast feeding was a struggle. First born refused to latch on and I was not ready for it either. When the second one came around, she tried her luck with me. Having someone suck on my nipple with full force was terrifying. I let out a scream while at the hospital and the nurses came running. The constant milk pumping, lack of sleep, attending to their every needs. It drained me. Physically and emotionally. They had outgrown those needs and it is easier now, in some ways. For that in turn is replaced with other new and different needs. Each stage comes with its own challenges.
I value my independence, who I am and what I stand for. I am scared to give that up when I have to share and give up so much of myself in order to care for those so close to me. It is only within the last year that I am more comfortable with the role of being a mother. I do not know if I will ever be fully at ease with motherhood and wifehood. I take one day at a time. Everyday I try my best. For I belief life is precious. I believe humanity is precious.
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