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The Difficulty With Women

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Anonymous Man

The Difficulty With Women

Postby Anonymous Man » Sun, 05 Dec 2004 2:37 pm

IT IS SATURDAY, a crisp spring afternoon, and you're exactly where
you should be: stretched out on the couch in front of the television,
just about to watch all your favourite TV that you've recorded over the
last few weeks. Opening beer number two, relaxed in the knowledge
that the pizza you ordered is even now on its way. Nothing could
improve this moment, except maybe a bigger television. Suddenly your
girlfriend enters the room and says, "What exactly do you think you're doing?"

Is this a trick question or what?

Yes, it is. The trick is that no matter how you answer it, you will
immediately find yourself driving down to your nearest home-
improvement centre, where you will spend the rest of the afternoon
trying to decide the type of curtain rod that's right for you.

How does this work?

It has as much to do with the nature of the question itself as with
anything else. Women are expert at posing questions that seem to have
no right answer. Here's a common example.

"Do I look fat?"

There is no answer to this question that won't be interpreted "yes."
"No" means yes. "Yes" means yes. "I don't know" means yes. "It doesn't
matter" means yes. The briefest hint of a pause before speaking means
yes, yes, yes.

Most of us would rather go to the dentist than field this one, yet it may
well come up several times a week. Your only real choice is to say no,
clearly and immediately, leaving no possibility for any subtext, and making
it sound like a widely acknowledged fact and not simply your opinion.

This doesn't work, but all the other options are worse.
There are several other questions for which "no" is the only answer,
and several more that call for an emphatic and unqualified yes. In all of
these cases, elaboration, justification or any attempt to be funny is
unlikely to pay off.

Consult this handy chart:

JUST SAY NO
"Is there someone else?"
"Do you still fantasize about her?"
"Are you tired of me?"

JUST SAY YES
"Do you still love me?"
"Do you ever fantasize about me?"
"Do you like my hair this way?"

Unfortunately, many female inquiries require more than a simple yes or
no response. Some of them are more like riddles. Such as this one:
"Which shoes look better?"

Typically you're already late for dinner when your girlfriend
confronts you, with one pair of shoes on and another alongside them.
This is no ordinary choice. It's a devious chicken/egg puzzler, the sort of
choice that would lead even Hobson to say to Mrs. Hobson, "Whichever,
you old trout!" If you pick the shoes she already has on, she'll think
you're trying to hurry her. If you pick the other pair, she'll think it's because
you know you can't pick the ones she has on.

Some men try a nonlinear approach and opt for a third, unoffered pair of
shoes, but this is inevitably taken as either an attack on her judgment or
an opportunity for her to attack yours. On no account suggest another
dress. You might as well say, "You're fat." This raises the question of
why she's asking you at all. She knows you don't know which shoes
look better, and she knows you don't care, so why is she trying to elicit
your opinion? This is part of an ongoing campaign to domesticate you. As
part of the same campaign, she will occasionally consult you about
alternative table settings or new towels. In these two cases a disdainful
and dismissive "beats me" should do the trick, but don't try that with the
shoe dilemma, or you'll miss your reservation. Instead, suggest that she
try on the other shoes, then tell her the first ones look better. This lets
you more or less off the hook, as long as you don't raise a fuss when
she decides that the second pair are better after all.

"Where do you see this relationship going?"

This could be described as an essay question, since you're obviously
not going to get away with snappy little answers such as "forward" or
"upstairs" or "I dunno." Another problem is that you and your girlfriend
are operating at cross purposes here. She wants a heartfelt expression
of your feelings and an honest assessment of your future together, and
you want an easier question. There is certainly no point in answering a
toe-curling query like this one without at least a rough idea of precisely
what it is she wants to hear. Questions such as this one are a category
unto themselves, i.e., Questions that should be answered with another
question. See how easily some of the more difficult leading inquiries can
be parried through the simple deployment of reflexive interrogation.

Her: "Where do you see this relationship going?"
You: "Where do *you* see this relationship going?"

Her: "Do you think she's attractive?"
You: "Who?"

Her: "Will you marry me?"
You: "Where am I?"

Her: "What if I were pregnant?"
You: "Are you pregnant?"
Her: "Why? Do I look fat?"

Whoops! We're in a bit of trouble here. You should have seen that
coming. Try a more surreal approach:

Her: "What if I were pregnant?"
You: "What if *we* were pregnant?" .... (Cool, huh?)

Some all-purpose question-answers include: How much is a lot? Why do
you ask? Should I be? What are you saying? Does it matter? What's love
got to do with it? Are you talking to me? (Note: Are you having your
period? is not one of these.)

Let's try a math question.

"How many people have you slept with?"

Hmmmmm....Now, you can tell her the truth, unless the truth is more than
12, or you can have a guess at the number she's more or less expecting.
Like most arithmetic problems, the answer is a lot easier once you have
a formula. This one should work as long as neither of you has sex for a
living.

Number of people she's slept with + Number of people she knows you've
slept with + Number of people you actually have slept with. Add these up
and divide by 2. If you round up to the nearest whole person, you should
end up with a realistically healthy but not particularly shocking number. If
the result is greater than 12, then say 12.

"Why don't you lighten up?"

This rhetorical gem is used whenever you express your disapproval of
shoplifting or speeding, or whenever you go to a nightclub and spend the
whole time dancing to some unbelievable crap you've never heard
before and then go out and buy it! There is no good answer to this
question. You could draw attention to her inconsistency in this matter,
noting that she doesn't like it when you act like a kid or when you act like
your dad (God forbid); then again, if you do that, she's liable to see your
point and break up with you. Speaking of breaking up, how about this
one?

"Are you saying you want to end it?"
Women, like lawyers, rarely ask a direct question, unless they already
know what the answer will be. As for women lawyers, I don't know
what they do, and I'm pretty sure I don't want to know. The point is,
when a woman asks you this question, she knows you're going to say
no. Even if you want to say yes, you'll say no. You can't turn the
question back on her, because you have no idea what her answer is
going to be.

If you are trying to break up with her, you'll have to say no and start the
whole painful process again. If you aren't trying to break up with her,
then it's best to change the subject. Let's try something easier.

"Notice anything different about me?"

Well, slightly easier. This question is of a piece with two others:
"Have you forgotten what today is?" and "Have you been listening to a
word I've said?" Apart from being questions that are easier to answer
wrong than right, they're the kinds of things women say in sitcoms. They
are best treated in an ironic postmodern context, i.e., just say what Ward
Cleaver would say.

Her: "Notice anything different about me?"
You: "New apron?" ... (Ouch!)

Her: "Have you forgotten what today is?"
You: "Of course not. It's Thursday."

Her: "Have you been listening to a word I've said?"
You: "That's nice, dear..."

Funny, huh? Well, it's not your fault if she doesn't get it. If she wants a
better answer, she's going to have to start asking better questions.
Questions such as:

"Have you taken a look at yourself lately?"

This question and its cousin, the almost always uncalled for "Who do you
think you are?" are ways of gently reminding you how much of a factor
pity was in her original decision to go out with you, and how that
decision could be rescinded if you behave in any way that cannot be
described as abject. You probably brought this rebuke on yourself by
mentioning that you reckon Brad Pitt is getting a little chubby or by
speculating that Jack Nicholson doesn't have to wait until his birthday for
oral sex. You're not really supposed to answer either of these
questions. You're just supposed to apologise for your wanton
self-esteem-having. Instead of apologizing, just smile. Your manifold
inadequacies as a boyfriend nay, as a man are a kind of revenge all by
themselves. Next!

"Do you believe in fidelity?"

Like most philosophical questions that seem to pop up out of the blue,
this question doesn't pop up out of the blue. This general query about
fidelity is in fact a coded inquiry about the extent of your fidelity on a
specific occasion or occasions. Your response will also have to be
coded. Consult this translation chart before giving your answer:

YOU SAY - "Yes"
YOU MEAN - "How much does she know?"
SHE THINKS - "He's hiding something."

YOU SAY - "It depends"
YOU MEAN - "How much does she know?"
SHE THINKS -" I knew it!"

YOU SAY - "Why do you ask?"
YOU MEAN - "How much does she know?"
SHE THINKS - "Bastard!"

YOU SAY - "I dunno. Do you?"
YOU MEAN - "How much does she know?"
SHE THINKS - "How much does he know?"

There are several more variations, but they're not worth going into. By
the time she asks you this question, you're already in deep trouble. It
doesn't really matter what you say, as long as you don't blush when you
answer.
Let's look at an example that calls for more straightforward lying.

"What are you looking at?"
She means, "You were looking at that girl, weren't you?" And you
thought you'd perfected that trick of keeping your neck still and just
letting your eyes swivel. Obviously, the truth is not the best answer here. We
all know that the truth can set you free, sometimes before you've found
somewhere else to stay. It may seem easy enough to answer this
question with a cunning lie, but when men are caught offguard, their
ability to deceive is impaired.

Here are a few of the more common mistakes men make when asked,

"What are you looking at?"

Too specific: "The rust around the bolts on the handle on the flap of
that mailbox on the northwest corner."
Not specific enough: "That thing."
Too good to be true: "A diamond necklace in that window back there that
would be perfect on you."
Too true to be good: "A see-through nightie in that window back there
that would be perfect on you."
Too obvious: "Nothing."
Way too obvious: "That blonde babe over there with the big...I mean
nothing."

Here's one that requires a little interpretation.

"What are we going to do now?"

This one often crops up whenever some kind of emergency or seemingly
unsolvable problem arises. The part that requires interpretation is the
mysterious "we" in the middle. This means two things: In one sense,
"we" clearly means "you," as in, "What are you going to do now," but
there is also a sense of "we're in this together," implying that you bear
equal responsibility for the fact that she's just dropped her keys down a
grate, or that she stores her jack and spare tire in her garage so they
won't get stolen.

In such situations you'll probably find that the only answer to "What
are we going to do now?" that you can think of is "We are going to
break up. Goodbye." Most likely you'll decide not to say anything. After
which she will probably let loose with the rather ill-advised:

"Why don't you say something?"

Whether you answer this one is up to you. There is only one question
that you should never, ever answer. Keep silent, cower behind your
Fifth Amendment rights, pretend you didn't hear, run away, whatever,
but don't say anything when she asks:

"Should I get all of my hair cut off?"

If you say anything, then when she does get all her hair cut off (and let's
face it, she's already made up her mind) and she hates it (and she will
hate it), it will be your fault. Even if you say absolutely nothing, the
best
you can hope for is that she will come home with all her hair cut off,
stare you straight in the eye and say: "Does it make me look fat!!?"

....You're on your own.....

Guest

Postby Guest » Sun, 05 Dec 2004 8:29 pm

"IT IS SATURDAY,"

I guess that was your exciting saturday night in Singapore, God how things have changed in 30 years!

No more Boogie Boogie St or the Barberalla club, Tiger bar!

Guest

Postby Guest » Mon, 06 Dec 2004 4:56 pm

Get out more man. Dump the girl or take her to store and lose her. Then go out and enjoy one of the thousands of other ladies only too willing to let you slob around, that is until they get tired of it and want make it more permanent. Huh, so do same again.

Women who take guys to shop for curtains should all retire together to a nesting girlfriends condo, then they could all go shop with each other. Leave us guys the television, beer pizza and remote. We may get up later go to bar, but dont moan bcos theres lots more like you out there.

Guest

Postby Guest » Tue, 07 Dec 2004 6:20 pm

yah, and i think men are rather dreary too. frankly i hate shopping for clothes or shoes and never in a million years do i want a man to shop WITH me. If he wants to buy me the stuff, ok, tag along, otherwise he has go no business being nearby!

Hey i dont mind u men slobbing in front of the tv as long as i can do the same and that u dont mind if the laundrypiles up, i mean, my own laundry would have been washed and put away, but if u dont mind yr stuff getting smelly with maggots, its ok.

And hey, guess what you are right again!! There ARE more of you guys out there too... but heck who wants more whankers who have no have contempt for women? No, thanks, i'll wait !


Anonymous wrote:Get out more man. Dump the girl or take her to store and lose her. Then go out and enjoy one of the thousands of other ladies only too willing to let you slob around, that is until they get tired of it and want make it more permanent. Huh, so do same again.

Women who take guys to shop for curtains should all retire together to a nesting girlfriends condo, then they could all go shop with each other. Leave us guys the television, beer pizza and remote. We may get up later go to bar, but dont moan bcos theres lots more like you out there.

Guest

Postby Guest » Tue, 07 Dec 2004 6:21 pm

some typos here and there in msg above, sorry. fingers trying to keep up with thots flowing from brain!

Guest

Postby Guest » Tue, 07 Dec 2004 7:33 pm

Dont fret baby we'll manage without you. Thousands more yous from the I don't mind doing everything for you factory.

guesttoo

Postby guesttoo » Tue, 07 Dec 2004 10:17 pm

Wow.. where is the source of all those info? Otherwise, how many women had he "analysed" to get those interesting descriptions???
Poor lucky guy...

My humble advice is: Choose a male partner..


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