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Blond Joke

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sanjivvohra
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Blond Joke

Postby sanjivvohra » Tue, 20 Dec 2011 8:31 pm

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.

Her boss, concerned about his employee's well being, asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?"

The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."

"I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."

The blonde very calmly explains, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know," he says.

A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. He rushes out to her, and asks, "Are you going to be okay? Is there anything I can do to help?"

"No," replies the blonde, "I just got a call from my sister, and she said that HER mom died too!"
Sanjiv

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sanjivvohra
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Fried Eggs

Postby sanjivvohra » Tue, 20 Dec 2011 8:33 pm

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him, "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
Sanjiv

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sanjivvohra
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Italian Girl!

Postby sanjivvohra » Tue, 20 Dec 2011 8:38 pm

A woman goes to Italy to attend a two week, company training session.

Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.

The wife answers, "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"

The husband laughs and says, "An Italian girl!!!"

The woman kept quiet and left.

Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks, "So, honey, how the trip was?"

"Very good, thank you."

"And, what happened to my present?"

"Which present?" She asked.

"The one I asked for - an Italian girl!!" "Oh, that" she said "Well, I did what I could; now we have to wait for few months to see if it is a girl!!!"
Sanjiv

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poodlek
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Postby poodlek » Tue, 20 Dec 2011 8:54 pm

A guy and his buddy are having drinks and one says to the other, "I had such an embarrassing Freudian slip the other day...I was at the train station and the girl at the counter had these enormous breasts. Instead of asking for two tickets to Pittsburgh, I asked for two pickets to Tittsburgh!"

"Oh yeah," says the buddy, "I've done that. Last week I was having breakfast with my wife and instead of 'pass the butter, please' I said 'B**CH, YOU RUINED MY F***ING LIFE!!!"

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sanjivvohra
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Banta Joke

Postby sanjivvohra » Wed, 21 Dec 2011 3:35 pm

Bill Gates decided not to invest further in Punjab (in India) after receiving a letter from Mr Banta

To: Bill Gates, Microsoft
From: Banta
Date: 1 April 2011
Subject: Problems with my new computer
Dear Mr. Bill Gates,
We have bought a computer for our home and we have found some problems, which I want to bring to your notice...
1. There is a button 'start' but there is no 'stop' button. We request you to check this.
2. One doubt is whether any 're-scooter' is available in system? I find only 're-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.
3. There is 'Find' button but it is not working. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot to trace the key with this 'find 'button, but was unable to trace. Please rectify this problem.
4. My child learnt 'Microsoft word' now he wants to learn 'Microsoft sentence', so when you will provide that?
5. I bought computer, CPU, mouse and keyboard, but there is only one icon which shows 'My Computer': when you will provide the remaining items?
6. It is surprising that windows says 'MY Pictures' but there is not even a single photo of mine. So when will you keep my photo in that.
7. There is 'MICROSOFT OFFICE' what about 'MICROSOFT HOME' since I use the PC at home only.
8. You provided 'My Recent Documents'. When you will provide 'My Past Documents'?
9. You provide 'My Network Places'. For God sake please do not provide 'My Secret Places'. I do not want to let my wife know where I go after my office hours.
Last one Mr. Bill Gates
P.S: "Sir, how is it that your name is Gates but you are selling WINDOWS ?"

Regards,
Banta
Sanjiv

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sanjivvohra
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The Last Chicken

Postby sanjivvohra » Thu, 22 Dec 2011 1:56 pm

A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish.

By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, "Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish. The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!"

The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food. The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer.

A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man's table and says, "Listen and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I'll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs, I'll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I'll break one of your arms!"

The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird's rectum, pulls it out and licks it. He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says, "Go ahead!"
Sanjiv

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Postby cufflinks939 » Tue, 03 Jan 2012 3:26 pm

I'm a blonde but I find these jokes hilarious :D

It's interesting how warped stereotypes can be
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sanjivvohra
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Postby sanjivvohra » Tue, 03 Jan 2012 8:15 pm

cufflinks939 wrote:I'm a blonde but I find these jokes hilarious :D

It's interesting how warped stereotypes can be


Hi cufflinks939, no hard feelings. This is all in jest! Put it in the bucket of 'rubbish'.

Cheers!
Sanjiv


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