Had to laugh at this.

Post by **sundaymorningstaple** » Sat, 14 May 2011 9:30 pm

The government today announced that it's changing the flag to a condoM, because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation,halts production,destroys the next generation,protects a bunch of dicks,and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed. It just doesn't get more accurate than that!!!

bigcoffee · Post by **bigcoffee** » Thu, 19 May 2011 11:41 am

lmao.

Calmday · Post by **Calmday** » Thu, 19 May 2011 1:34 pm

Must have been the US gov.

carlsum1986 · Post by **carlsum1986** » Thu, 19 May 2011 1:48 pm

+1

extremepower · Post by **extremepower** » Fri, 20 May 2011 10:13 pm

This is a good one....

In an alcohol factory the regular taster died and the director
started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.

The director of the factory wondered how to send him away.

They tested him.

They gave him a glass with a drink.
He tried it and said,
"It’s red wine, a muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers."
"That’s correct", said the boss.

Another glass.
"It’s red wine, Cabernet, eight years old, a southwestern slope, oak barrels."
"Correct."

The director was astonished.
He winked at his secretary to suggest something.

She brought in a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it.

"It’s a blond, 26 years old, pregnant in the third month.
And if you don’t give me the job, I’ll also tell who’s the father!"

Post by **sundaymorningstaple** » Sat, 21 May 2011 6:13 pm

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats, and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards". They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs". They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile, and as usual, are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies "just in case".

Canada doesn't have any alert levels.

New Zealand has raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA". Due to continuing defence cutbacks, New Zealand has only one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

ausinsg · Post by **ausinsg** » Sat, 21 May 2011 11:30 pm

sundaymorningstaple wrote: Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, mate".

"She'll be right, mate"

We're not that well spoken!

Great humour!

Post by **sundaymorningstaple** » Sun, 22 May 2011 12:30 pm

It was a copy & paste job. I saw it, and was going to correct it, but something diverted my attention and I forgot about it. I had the distinct pleasure of working in Oz for almost a year back in the '90's (Darwin & Cairns).

AussieAngMo · Post by **AussieAngMo** » Mon, 23 May 2011 6:05 pm

PMSL, going to send this to all the kiwi's I know.

vbelle · Post by **vbelle** » Tue, 24 May 2011 1:59 pm

good stuff, SMS

Flipside · Post by **Flipside** » Wed, 01 Jun 2011 2:25 pm

sundaymorningstaple wrote:The government today announced that it's changing the flag to a condoM, because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation,halts production,destroys the next generation,protects a bunch of dicks,and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed. It just doesn't get more accurate than that!!!

this is so funny!!! well said well said.. loves it!

Michael_A · Post by **Michael_A** » Wed, 08 Jun 2011 12:45 pm

man and wife is siting on the porch and having sundowners.

man says "i love you"

wife says "is that you speaking or the beer speaking"

man says "its me speaking... to my beer"

Michael_A · Post by **Michael_A** » Wed, 08 Jun 2011 12:46 pm

THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

The manager asked: 'Do you have any sales experience?'

The young man answered: 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.'

The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?'

The Aussie said: 'One!'

The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale for?'
$124,237.64.'

The manager choked and exclaimed: $124,237.64! What the hell did you sell him?'

'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing
rod.'

'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.'

'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4.'

The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me, a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and
you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'

'No, no, no, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said...

'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing...'

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