Seeking divorce?

[Lost101]

Hi,

I am a Singapore PR and have been married to my wife for 6 years now. She is a Singapore citizen.
I have 4 step kids. During first year of our marriage, my wife already told me that if she ever has to choose between her kids and me, she will choose her kids. I left her house that day, later she cried and apologised and I returned.

Ever since that day, we did not really argue on that issue anymore but until today from her actions, it shows that her kids are still her first priority and I absolutely have no say in any matters. Her kids always get what they demand. Two of them are married and working and their biological father pesters them for money. Whenever they have any problem with him, they bring it to their mother. Even though she is my wife now, I cannot get her ex out of my life.

I have no privacy in here, her kids just walk in our bedroom without even knocking even at 2 am at night. I told her couple of times that she should educate them she is not a single parent anymore and a husband and wife do have some privacy but that did not work.

I am now sick of being a puppet. I feel like she just needs me to accompany her to places and follow whatever she says. On occassions, I am forced to follow her to visit her siblings and relatives just to give face.
For 6 years, I have tried to be helpful, have never ill treated them kids or my wife but nothing has changed and I am still the doormat.

Is it wrong for me to think that now is time I get a divorce?

Also, I would appreciate if anyone can guide me about some laywer firm who could help me file the divorce case or send divorce notice as I totally do not know how it works in Singapore. From the talk between my wife and her kids, I have the idea that muslim shariah court asks the husband to pay the wife S$4 per day for the duration they have been married if a divorce is filed. As per my knowledge and in my native country, there is no such rule except for the dower money (Mehar) which I have already given to her.
The legal process for divorce takes about 3 months after sending the notice. Do I have to stay with my wife during that time? The HDB flat is under her name.

Any help or guidance is much appreciated.

[Mad Scientist]

I cannot take side on what has happened as there are always two sides of a coin.Moreover we are not professional marriage counselors. However having said that most of us are married men with kids
There are a few things you need to be aware of
1. If your PR is sponsored by your wife whom is a Sger, you may lose your PR when you filed for divorce. Unless you attained your PR by PTS scheme or LPR or whatever, then you are not vulnerable of losing your PR
2. Go to www.ica.gov.sg if that is the case
3. I guess you are a Muslim. Under the Muslim Law of Shafii School of Taught and in conjunction with the Law of Country , All Muslim pertaining to Shariah Law which includes marriage, Fikih and divorce will supercede Civil Law. That is to say if your marriage is under the shariah law then your separation will be under shariah law.
4. Even you file for civil divorce papers, chances are the civil court will direct you to the Shariah Court i.e MUIS.
5. Before you take this precedent steps Muis do have Marriage Counselors which are also theologian and Islamics Accredited Teachers which can give you are better perspective. Filing due to irreconcilable marriage will not be approve automatically. Civil and Muslim Law requires you to take counsel before this process takes place.
6. For alimony , you have to provide that if that process takes place. Please discuss this with them
7. There are Muslim Lawyers at Muis. They can provide you with names for your perusal

[adamnz65]

Lost 101 this is my experience of being married to a Malay lady for 8 years... what you describe is what all of us who marry into another race experience.
It’s natural here for Asians to live in such a tight family group it’s hard for us to break in even though we are married to one of them. We get treated as second class by the family.
My advice is if you still love the woman but don’t like all the crap that comes with it (over intrusive family, Hari Raya visiting, the saving face... ETC).
Get yourself outside activities that takes you away for weekends without them...works for me when the shits on I hit the golf course in Batam and Malaysia etc.

You have to stake your territory and say you do that I am off to do whatever. Once you start that the attitude will change all of a sudden she doesn’t have her pet and looks bad to the relatives if you aren’t around.

On supplying the family with money don’t give her access to it make her work hard if she wants to hand it over by the fist full it will soon stop once she’s the one having to do the graft.

This may be bad advice but worked for me what you are going through is not new. It’s just how you find to handle it.