Do you THINK before you speak? :o

[sundaymorningstaple]

FIRST TESTIMONY:

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
Hearing myself, I turned right around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word ... he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type that I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who work at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

THIRD TESTIMONY:

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY:

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and run amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said loudly in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.

Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three year old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.

One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven month old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.". Then I said, "Dann y, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. So, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"

While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST TESTIMONY:

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any.. .? Here's a true story:

We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did, too - they were laughing so hard!

[nakatago]

I remember when a group of friends (mixed genders) got massages . A particular female friend asked me if the masseuse stood on my back. But she said it in a different language which sounded like 'did you have an erection?' Everybody was laughing except her. I replied, 'yes, she stood on my back', just to stay clear off the unintentional porn. She didn't realize what she originally said until we all explained it to her.

[JR8]

My wife yelled to me from one end our home to the other this morning,

'Darling, what's this thing?!'

I sat there quietly contemplating how anyone could conceive such a question useful, valid, or having any meaning, before seeking clarification!

[vivienshoshanna]

back then I only realized what I've just said when already said it.. the worst is I'm only going to realized it after a few hours, that's how I would end up of not getting enough sleep.. But at least now, I am now trying to think first what I'm going to say before spitting it out.. and thinking calmly, could just do the trick..

[poodlek]

My wife yelled to me from one end our home to the other this morning,

'Darling, what's this thing?!'

I sat there quietly contemplating how anyone could conceive such a question useful, valid, or having any meaning, before seeking clarification!

My parents do this ALL THE TIME. (If not "what is this?" it's "who did this?" or "why is this here?" etc.) It drives me crazy. They drive each other crazy with it. And yet they both still do it every day. I think they're looking to underscore the point that whatever it is that they're not specifically commenting on is significant enough that it doesn't need mentioning by name...you should just know, because after all, it is your fault.

Maybe I read too much into it

[wasssaaabiii]

I had a Yamaha keyboard case to let go off once. This guy called to say that his was a KORG keyboard and asked me if it'd fit.
I gave him the measurements of my case so that he would be able to tell. He insisted on a meet up before deciding. He added that his keyboard was too heavy to bring along and asked me for other solutions.

I said "Why don't you measure your KORG before you come."

I covered my mouthpiece and laughed. He didn't laugh out loud but you could tell from his speech that he was smiling.

[ksl]

I had a Yamaha keyboard case to let go off once. This guy called to say that his was a KORG keyboard and asked me if it'd fit.
I gave him the measurements of my case so that he would be able to tell. He insisted on a meet up before deciding. He added that his keyboard was too heavy to bring along and asked me for other solutions.

I said "Why don't you measure your KORG before you come."

I covered my mouthpiece and laughed. He didn't laugh out loud but you could tell from his speech that he was smiling.

I call mine Frederick! He often wakes up when he should be sleeping and sleeping when he should be awake old age i guess yet he's done the routine for as long as i can remember, I envy him, he doesn't have wrinkles at his age and he's up every single morning before me too, no wonder i have dizzy spells! Yamahaha case is too big for him

[wasssaaabiii]

I had a Yamaha keyboard case to let go off once. This guy called to say that his was a KORG keyboard and asked me if it'd fit.
I gave him the measurements of my case so that he would be able to tell. He insisted on a meet up before deciding. He added that his keyboard was too heavy to bring along and asked me for other solutions.

I said "Why don't you measure your KORG before you come."

I covered my mouthpiece and laughed. He didn't laugh out loud but you could tell from his speech that he was smiling.

I call mine Frederick! He often wakes up when he should be sleeping and sleeping when he should be awake old age i guess yet he's done the routine for as long as i can remember, I envy him, he doesn't have wrinkles at his age and he's up every single morning before me too, no wonder i have dizzy spells! Yamahaha case is too big for him

Ahhh...
Just what we all want to do on this forum - interact and get to know more members

[ksl]

I had a Yamaha keyboard case to let go off once. This guy called to say that his was a KORG keyboard and asked me if it'd fit.
I gave him the measurements of my case so that he would be able to tell. He insisted on a meet up before deciding. He added that his keyboard was too heavy to bring along and asked me for other solutions.

I said "Why don't you measure your KORG before you come."

I covered my mouthpiece and laughed. He didn't laugh out loud but you could tell from his speech that he was smiling.

I call mine Frederick! He often wakes up when he should be sleeping and sleeping when he should be awake old age i guess yet he's done the routine for as long as i can remember, I envy him, he doesn't have wrinkles at his age and he's up every single morning before me too, no wonder i have dizzy spells! Yamahaha case is too big for him

Ahhh...
Just what we all want to do on this forum - interact and get to know more members

Yes truly a good idea! Let me be one of the first to welcome you This ang mo is quite a gentleman really, Isn't that right SMS? SMS is our good old friendly moderator by the way!

Welcome to Singaporeexpats forum! Honestly wasssaaabiii, I have some tasty flavoured wasssaaabiii sesame seed, which made me smile to myself as I like to eeeaaat them non stop! We actually import them from Taiwan

[wasssaaabiii]

I call mine Frederick! He often wakes up when he should be sleeping and sleeping when he should be awake old age i guess yet he's done the routine for as long as i can remember, I envy him, he doesn't have wrinkles at his age and he's up every single morning before me too, no wonder i have dizzy spells! Yamahaha case is too big for him

Ahhh...
Just what we all want to do on this forum - interact and get to know more "members"

Yes truly a good idea! Let me be one of the first to welcome you This ang mo is quite a gentleman really, Isn't that right SMS? SMS is our good old friendly moderator by the way!

Welcome to Singaporeexpats forum! Honestly wasssaaabiii, I have some tasty flavoured wasssaaabiii sesame seed, which made me smile to myself as I like to eeeaaat them non stop! We actually import them from Taiwan

Thank you
Kan pei!