'Alone Again, Naturally'

[ozchick]

Good song that... remember?Some dude called Gilbert O'Sullivan.
So d'ya think I can find a good book that weighs up the pros and cons of partnership versus singlehood....no, no I can't. Tried that KINUKIN..thingamy book shop. No luck. Lots of books about post divorce, recovering from spouse's death etc....but zilch on the pros and cons. Still....I should know it all by know.............I'm old enough that's for sure. Perhaps I should be the one who writes the book- yeah now there's an idea! Would you dudes buy my book?

[Strong Eagle]

31 years, Mz. Chick... wedded bliss... including, "would you please just go away" (both partners)... "maybe she'll just die in her sleep and tomorrow I can have that babe with the hot ass curled up to me".. (me)... along with several other 'she just disappears and my life is great'.

We did do a 2 year separation... at 12 years... and for some reason that God cannot even fathom, we kept on.

And at 31... do you know how hard it would be to break in a new model? Holy crap!

And, there is a beauty at 31 years of marriage... we know our incompatibilities... we'll never resolve those... and I know what a kind heart my wife is even though I would like to kill her at times (feelings reciprocal, I assure you). At 31, we have learned to live and love each other in a way that transcends all that has come before... we are getting old... and who would I want to be with anyway except the woman that I have spent the last 31+ years of my life.

I could run away somedays... but I love her everyday... and she is the one person in the world that has never deserted this old ass... thick and thin... and the same holds true the other way.

[durain]

alone by heart is a better song.

[sundaymorningstaple]

Hey SE, thanks for that! It just about sums up my past 26 (tomorrow) years as well. Funny how age will do that to you. Excellent recap that I'll probably show my wife.

[patsy_sg]

31 years, Mz. Chick... wedded bliss... including, "would you please just go away" (both partners)... "maybe she'll just die in her sleep and tomorrow I can have that babe with the hot ass curled up to me".. (me)... along with several other 'she just disappears and my life is great'.

We did do a 2 year separation... at 12 years... and for some reason that God cannot even fathom, we kept on.

And at 31... do you know how hard it would be to break in a new model? Holy crap!

And, there is a beauty at 31 years of marriage... we know our incompatibilities... we'll never resolve those... and I know what a kind heart my wife is even though I would like to kill her at times (feelings reciprocal, I assure you). At 31, we have learned to live and love each other in a way that transcends all that has come before... we are getting old... and who would I want to be with anyway except the woman that I have spent the last 31+ years of my life.

I could run away somedays... but I love her everyday... and she is the one person in the world that has never deserted this old ass... thick and thin... and the same holds true the other way.

that made me cry

[Strong Eagle]

31 years, Mz. Chick... wedded bliss... including, "would you please just go away" (both partners)... "maybe she'll just die in her sleep and tomorrow I can have that babe with the hot ass curled up to me".. (me)... along with several other 'she just disappears and my life is great'.

We did do a 2 year separation... at 12 years... and for some reason that God cannot even fathom, we kept on.

And at 31... do you know how hard it would be to break in a new model? Holy crap!

And, there is a beauty at 31 years of marriage... we know our incompatibilities... we'll never resolve those... and I know what a kind heart my wife is even though I would like to kill her at times (feelings reciprocal, I assure you). At 31, we have learned to live and love each other in a way that transcends all that has come before... we are getting old... and who would I want to be with anyway except the woman that I have spent the last 31+ years of my life.

I could run away somedays... but I love her everyday... and she is the one person in the world that has never deserted this old ass... thick and thin... and the same holds true the other way.

that made me cry

Sorry. I am sorry Patsy_SG. Hurt was not my intent.

When I read OzChick's lament, I think/thought she was searching for some reason or another to be married or not married. It's actually not an easy answer, whether you are married or not.

Sharing a life is a pain in the ass. Why? Because if I really care for that person, it means allowing her to be completely vulnerable, to be in a trusting relationship... that is the definition of love... and that costs me... just like a child costs me.

I must mold myself to the marriage... and that is good and that is bad. The bad is that I must subvert, submerge, and change some of those things that I might be as a singleton. And the good is that I have grown so much... by at least trying... and often failing miserably... to put my partner's needs in front of myself. If anything can be said about a long term marriage is that it grants the partners wisdom, and a true understanding of the human condition.

And I know you were forced into a divorce... and I suspect that the hurt is as much about losing that special partner place... to be who you are... as it is to lose the security and certainty of coming home everyday to something familiar... good, bad, indifferent.

From your comment, I'd say the loser is the man that divorced you, for he WILL wake up one day, faced with his own mortality, and a mind filled with the choices he has made that brings him to the morning that he sits on the edge of the bed, and wonders why things don't feel right.

And, it's odd. I wouldn't want my wife to divorce me at this stage... but if she did I reckon it would be OK... it would be what she wants. It's part of that growth thing... I cannot actually control that in which I live... just live it... my life will go on... and positively.

And OzChick... the book is simple... commitment versus non-commitment. Commitment is not about being faithful or being of the right religion... it is about striving for the higher goal... to place the good of the two about the good of the self. Yes, she can be a shit... but I accept it because of the larger goal. And she does it for me... and what we get is that our lives are larger than they are singly... we are a team... mates, if you will.

And no commitment? It is not possible to find a human being that you can live with intimately for the long term. No commitment means you will eventually place self above the other... and that results in a marriage with no communication or civility because no one has the balls to break it up.

[ozchick]

31 years, Mz. Chick... wedded bliss... including, "would you please just go away" (both partners)... "maybe she'll just die in her sleep and tomorrow I can have that babe with the hot ass curled up to me".. (me)... along with several other 'she just disappears and my life is great'.

We did do a 2 year separation... at 12 years... and for some reason that God cannot even fathom, we kept on.

And at 31... do you know how hard it would be to break in a new model? Holy crap!

And, there is a beauty at 31 years of marriage... we know our incompatibilities... we'll never resolve those... and I know what a kind heart my wife is even though I would like to kill her at times (feelings reciprocal, I assure you). At 31, we have learned to live and love each other in a way that transcends all that has come before... we are getting old... and who would I want to be with anyway except the woman that I have spent the last 31+ years of my life.

I could run away somedays... but I love her everyday... and she is the one person in the world that has never deserted this old ass... thick and thin... and the same holds true the other way.

You write well S.E. Maybe YOU should write the book!
I've just read your other response further down the thread. Commitment isn't the problem for me. But YOU clearly have the right person for you. So commitment in that case is not such a chore, despite the differences and slanging matches that might occur from time to time. BUT when one is emotionally hurting because of the way their partner treats them, to the point that the bad outweighs any good, then it's just time to pack it in. I'm damned if I can understand men any more...I thought I could.....I have 3 brothers.........but there are no patterns of behaviour that seem so often attributed to women.....each guy comes with his own unique set of 'intolerable traits'! Sigh....that'll get me in trouble but I'm past caring.....

[Strong Eagle]

But YOU clearly have the right person for you. So commitment in that case is not such a chore, despite the differences and slanging matches that might occur from time to time. BUT when one is emotionally hurting because of the way their partner treats them, to the point that the bad outweighs any good, then it's just time to pack it in.

On the contrary, I have the most impossibly wrong woman for me. When we married it was for co-dependent purposes... waking up made us both realize that we had actually married for all the wrong reasons.

But if your partner is abusive... and by that I mean something as 'slight' as not acknowledging you as an equal life partner, then it is a time for a talk. We succeed because we talk... about how different we are... about how to avoid those things that make the other unhappy... if you have a one way street and an unresponsive spouse, then you don't actually have a marriage... you are already living as a singleton with far too many constraints.

[ozchick]

[quote="Strong Eagle
We succeed because we talk... about how different we are... about how to avoid those things that make the other unhappy... if you have a one way street and an unresponsive spouse, then you don't actually have a marriage... you are already living as a singleton with far too many constraints.[/quote]

You got it S.E. I don't recall ever being 'listened' to. I was lectured and lectured about how the world should be according to him. My voice was constantly drowned out by the one who knows it better. Sigh......anyway....
I reckon that it's too much to expect to find 'Mr Right' when you're in my age-group. If HE was any good he's be someone else's man and not the solo guy he was when I met him- and he's now again looking for Mrs Right, poor victim that she is.....
As for me, well I know I can trust 'myself' to look after me and my broken heart. So "me, myself and I" are going it alone for a while now.. no one can mess me up emotionally......safer that way.....new song springs to mind "I am a rock" Simon and Garfunkel.

[ksl]

We succeed because we talk... about how different we are... about how to avoid those things that make the other unhappy... if you have a one way street and an unresponsive spouse, then you don't actually have a marriage... you are already living as a singleton with far too many constraints.

You got it S.E. I don't recall ever being 'listened' to. I was lectured and lectured about how the world should be according to him. My voice was constantly drowned out by the one who knows it better. Sigh......anyway....
I reckon that it's too much to expect to find 'Mr Right' when you're in my age-group. If HE was any good he's be someone else's man and not the solo guy he was when I met him- and he's now again looking for Mrs Right, poor victim that she is.....
As for me, well I know I can trust 'myself' to look after me and my broken heart. So "me, myself and I" are going it alone for a while now.. no one can mess me up emotionally......safer that way.....new song springs to mind "I am a rock" Simon and Garfunkel.

I reckon that it's too much to expect to find 'Mr Right' when you're in my age-group. If HE was any good he's be someone else's man and not the solo guy he was when I met him- and he's now again looking for Mrs Right, poor victim that she is.....

Not quite true Ozchick, I lost faith in women after my wife divorced me, at the age of 27. I stayed single until I was 50, because I was happy to ignore the words marriage, in the end all the other women in my life decided, I wouldn't commit and they left or asked me to leave after several years marriage for me is a life thing I'm a good ole catholic!

The fact that in Denmark marriage was not so common yet divorce was still high...made me feel that the commitment wasn't there in the Country itself.

That's why I decided to marry with Asian, not that it is any easier, though family commitment is the focal point and not oneself, We me and my wife are like chalk and cheese, very different people, in culture as well but we love each other and watch what we say to each other, to avoid ones insensitivities, we are our own selves, and to be honest I don't really need a wife, i can do everything she can do domestically, but loneliness is not a very nice thing to look forward too. There are some very good men out there, you just need an equal partner that shows respect, rather than a dominating chauvinist.

I'm in my 9th year of eternal love, with many ups and downs, frustrations and expectations, that are always a problem, understanding, patience, and avoidance of conflict is key, to be rational and not overbearing!

I guess your soul has suffered a trauma, Chin up, he was the wrong one for you if he cannot meet you half way.

My wife is actually my best friend I have no other i can confide in and we share these inner thoughts we have. Trust that we will always be committed to at least one goal is there, and we will reach that goal together for our daughter come rain or shine!

Having friends is important and keeping yourself occupied, love comes naturally, it all depends where and how you are meeting each other, the sea is full of sharks, just like the City is full of predators, mostly wanting to satisfy their own wants and needs at a price they don't want to pay.

[kaseyma]

As for me, well I know I can trust 'myself' to look after me and my broken heart. So "me, myself and I" are going it alone for a while now.. no one can mess me up emotionally......safer that way.....new song springs to mind "I am a rock" Simon and Garfunkel.

That is one of the saddest songs around.
Appropriate that it ends with,
"And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries."

[patsy_sg]

it's ok SE, it was I who walked away... was just very touched with what you wrote.

[ozchick]

I don't really need a wife, i can do everything she can do domestically, but loneliness is not a very nice thing to look forward too. There are some very good men out there, you just need an equal partner that shows respect, rather than a dominating chauvinist.

I guess your soul has suffered a trauma, Chin up, he was the wrong one for you if he cannot meet you half way.

My wife is actually my best friend I have no other i can confide in and we share these inner thoughts we have.
Having friends is important and keeping yourself occupied, love comes naturally, it all depends where and how you are meeting each other, the sea is full of sharks, just like the City is full of predators, mostly wanting to satisfy their own wants and needs at a price they don't want to pay.

Yeah I also don't need a man in my life ...before the last 2 years I was on my own for 20 years (after a bad 4 year marriage). And it never occurred to me that I'd ever want to risk a broken heart again. And so I put myself at risk and damn it all it hurt like HELL when I finally said 'enough'. I'm the one who split us up because he just wouldn't stop the insults and verbal abuse. Worse than that he still won't apologise for the fact that he demolished our relationship single-handedly. That's what really stings and I can't forgive him for that.
He was my best friend for the most part...but I'm just not accustomed to being someone's punching bag and I'm not prepared to start now. His 'anger management' issue was one of his few faults and I really cannot imagine finding someone else who has all the other positive traits that made us so compatible...But you're right Kayser...I have fantastic supportive friends and family- and fellow posters! I keep fit and busy and he moves out tomorrow and I'm gonna love feeling emotionally safe again! It's like a great weight lifted. Mm... new song:
"I can see clearly now" (Jimmy Cliff?). Still I'd like a book on the pros and cons and find it odd that such reading can't be found..I like reading the experiences of fellow posters on here though.....relationships are hard work...no doubt about that.

[Strong Eagle]

OzChick, I can truly say I have never done this weekend (they won't let me!) but my wife has and many of my friends' wives as well. My wife has staffed this weekend many times as well.

Not affiliated... yada yada... except that Women Within is sort of a sister organization to the Mankind Project but wholly independent.

http://www.womanwithin.org/brochure/index.htm