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Constructive opinions needed: Mixed Marriages

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mixed marriages need more than just love

Post by sweetie2980 » Sun, 01 Nov 2009 12:43 am compelled to post a reply after reading on dmk03 story on her relationship with her white man.

First of a malay lady in the late 20's who is seeing a white American man who is just a year older than me. We are happily in love and is planning to get married as soon as i get my visa approved in a couple of months time. As dmk03 and me coming of the same race and facing the same situation (well not really same situation) i could relate to her story more. Here i am writing to share my inter racial relationship experience and give my 2 cents worth of opinion.

I come from a truly conservative family who hardly makes any friend from other race. Ever since i was young i been taught with all the values and laws of islam since my father is a teacher specialized in islamic teaching. However things changed after i entered college and start making friends of different races. Along the way it has shaped my mentality for the type of person i am today. Im still practicing my religion but at the same time i accept different cultural views and take it as unique. Im also more open minded appreciate other religions for what it is rather than deemed as certain religion or race as superior above the others. This has made it easier for me to make friends with other races.

In the relationship department i have dated a malay and chinese. My longest relationship was with a Singaporean chinese man for 5 years. I was deeply in love with this man however it was not an easy road to go down to. I was nearly being kicked out from the house by my family when they found out i was seeing a chinese. While his family strongly disapproved of our relationship and try to set him up with a chinese woman of their choice. Not just that i also faced alot of emotional stress for that 5 long years as i been cheated and treated poorly at times. It left me dry and depressed as i loved this man so much. I realized no matter how i tried to convince him that im willing to leave my country and settle down in Singapore for good and he never had to convert still the answer is still the same. His parents couldnt accept me because im not chinese and will definitely be "diluting" their bloodline if im married to their one and only son. Religion has always been an issue each time we talk bout our future and at the end we end up arguing. I was emotional tired of trying to convince him that im willing to go all out for him and yet im in the losing end. So finally after 5 years of waiting we finally bid goodbye to the relationship we once cared for so dearly.

I met and casually date local men of different races and i could see they couldnt accept my background especially when it comes to religion. There was even time that someone said a derogatory remarks of my religion which i find its totally unacceptable and a total bastard. However never did i expect i would eventually meet someone who would accept me for who i am till i met my current boyfriend.

When i first met him i lied my real identity as i was afraid he will look down on me and said hurtful words or comment like what i been experiencing before. I knew that i liked him and so is he but never did i expect he would fall in love with me. As he started to confessed his feelings towards me my guilty conscience knocking in at the end i admit my mistake and told him the truth. To my surprise he laughed at me and see there was nothing wrong dating a muslim lady and accepting me for who i really am.

We both respects and appreciate each other differences and never see it as a hurdle or barrier for us to progress more in this relationship. Though he is now so far away but we are truly committed to one another in fact we are amazingly connected. I respect his background and his faith and so does he. We have discussed and talk everyday of our future plans together. I also has given him full freedom either he would like to convert stick to the same faith and he has never stopped me from practising my religion. Culturally he has no problem adapting to asian culture and in fact we both shared the same passion when it comes to eating chilli crab, chicken rice and satay

I know that my story would ingnites anger among my race who feels i should not have done what i did especially it is considered a huge sin to marry non muslim without converting. But this is the life i choose and im happy with it. I have never been happy before in my entire life as i am right now. My good chinese friend knows of my situationj and truly supportive of my decision. As for my family they still in the dark of whats going on. I know my family could never accept my future husband at all because 1) he is caucasian 2) he is not muslim and i know they will definitely stop me in any cost to get married with this man. This is my life and im account for the kind of life i choose and my own happiness. I will definitely tell my family one day when the time is right. As someone said in one of those thread there will be problem if you see it as a problem.

Im on my K1 journey and in a couple of months time i will go for my interview. Hopefully it all will go smoothly. Everyday is an enriching experience for me as i get to learn more bout things bout my soon to be partner. Everyone on his side has been so receptive of accepting me as an asian muslim girl. even his father couldnt wait to meet me.

To too feel i could get well connected with other races compared with my own race for the same reason you gave. Being in an inter racial relationship is not easy when both are coming from totally different world. Both have to compromise and tolerate one another. From your story your beau seems to be bothered by the fact that he got to change his religion if he's marrying you. To him its totally a big issue and he has clearly could not accept it since he kept bringing up the topic and at the end there was no resolution but tension. Im not the right person to tell you this since you know him more than anyone here but my guts telling me that he is not the right man for you. If a man truly loves you irregard of your religion or race he will willingly accept you without much question as he only wants you to be happy but sad. Take it from someone who has gone through this same path.

Lastly i wish you all the best in your relationship and never allowed this problem to bog you down. Take it as a learning experience for you to make wiser decision in the future. Believe me, you deserved someone better.

p/s sorry for the long lengthy post hopefully i dint make anyone fall asleep :D cheers..
from down south all the way to west coast california..blending the sugar and spice of asian world in the world of melting pots america

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Post by econoMIC » Sun, 01 Nov 2009 4:05 pm

Great post. Thank you for sharing.

I agree that everyone has to be who they are in an interracial relationship and trying to change each other is not fair or supportive of each other. Interracial relationships are not easy at times in my opinion but as long as you stick together and both put in the effort it will work out.

Sadly at times it will come down to the question who do you please? Your parents and family or your new family (ie your husband/wife). You should do what pleases yourself then and if that turns out to be what the partner wants then this means you truly belong together.

Good luck with everything sweetie2980 and thanks again for your post.
a.k.a. littlegreenman

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Post by sweetie2980 » Mon, 02 Nov 2009 12:50 am

Oh thank you econoMIC...i certainly wish the same thing for you too.

Like you said, the question here who do we want to please? of course at the end of the day there will be bound to have heart being broken. It is sad. But this is life. We always have to make decisions as long we still breathing and not crazy he he... :lol:

It all boils down to what you want in life and what are your priorities as well as your own happiness. People around you will come to accept it as time goes by. Slowly you will get the support from your loved ones. Remember to hold your head up high not just people will come to respect you but men will come to see your inner beauty outshine radiantly.

Lastly, thank you again for anyone who have spent time to read my story. The support i have will definitely means alot to me. Cheers :D
from down south all the way to west coast california..blending the sugar and spice of asian world in the world of melting pots america

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Post by Pepijn » Thu, 12 Nov 2009 2:05 am

Since I will be relocating to Singapore because I want to be close to my fiancee my views might be a bit off, I only lived in SG together with her for 6 months and some holidays around the region. But I do have some input about this all.

1. Stigmas of expat-local datings?

I have noticed more stigma from caucasian tourist (mainly female for one reason) then locals. I am caucasian (Dutch to be exact) and my fiancee is Singaporean Chinese. However, when we went to Thailand (Phuket) it was so obvious that we actually fled Phuket for other regions. But still, I only noticed stigmatisation from caucasians. Could be I am more attuned to the vibes the send could be.

2. Stereotypical thoughts expats have on locals (Singaporeans)?

Not sure what the stereotypical view would be, but as mentioned, most of the weird looks we got were from fellow caucasians. A few of them actually making remarks like: isn't it cute that asian girl is carrying her husbands work? when my fiancee just showed up from work with a weekend load of papers.

3. Differences in religion faith - a major barrier to mixed marriages?

Religion would not be an issue for me, since I am a freethinker. My in-laws might be willing to differ on that one however ;) but don't think religion would be a major barrier for mixed marriages, since differences in religion are everywhere.
There are cultural things I noticed how ever, mainly towards family values, independence/dependence, keeping up appearances for the good peace etc. but nothing you cannot over come whne the two of you are willing to make it work.

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Post by sundaymorningstaple » Thu, 12 Nov 2009 7:17 am

Religious differences are the biggest problem in mixed marriages normally, closely followed or tied by finances.

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