Hi Taxico,
taxico wrote:i don't know what your exact issues are, and if you were more specific perhaps others can chime in and let their thoughts be known.
Specifically, issues relating to adaptation to asian cultures and living as a Muslim. (I understand that many have stereotypically view Islam as a very rigid religion but honestly speaking, it's wonderful and flexible) Let me introduce myself; I am a Malay/Muslim lady. I'm not pious, still in the stage of exploring Islam as learning never ends. Probably, my brief profile will draft a clearer view prior to my concerns as posted.
taxico wrote:asian values... confucian society... the factors, expectation and role of a child within an asian family/family nucleus... the "norms" of an asian person (gender irrespective) differs to one who has been brought up in a caucasian family.
I agree to this; based on my experience, Asian values being practiced also differs from family to family. I've been with a Malay/Muslim man for almost 8 years and married for 1 year but our principles and beliefs of Asian values and the execution of our responsibilities as a child for our own family differed in many ways. This is due to the differences in the way that we were brought up by our parents. Furthermore, education also aid in the development of one's thoughts and ability to make rational and wise life decisions. I would say the essential role to a healthy relationship here would be one's character.
taxico wrote:can a non-asian partner respect these norms well into old-age? in the states, the child traditionally moves out of the home at 18 or when they go to college. in UK, kids don't usually take care of their parents even when they're old and ill.
Truthfully, I personally wouldn't see the reason why would I prevent my son of 18 years old to move out if he can afford being independent. Provided, I as a parent have done my job well by educating and guiding him to my best in preparation for him to take care of himself. However, I would be hesitant to allow my 18 years old daughter to move out. According to Islamic teachings, females can live independently when she's married or when she becomes an orphanage. This is logical as woman naturally needs a man to protect and provide her a shelter even though she is financially independent as man and woman need each other physically and emotionally. On the latter, if she's an orphanage and doesn't have any relatives, she has to live independently with strength then. Islam also preaches to parents not to pin hopes to rely on their children especially when they grow up as they have their life to live on. Nevertheless, the moral value of filial piety from all religion comes in here. So, it's up to the children whether they have the humane call to provide for their parents. Most importantly, do it with sincerity as the feeling of satisfaction having to see your loved ones grow old being happy is definitely wonderful and fulfilling. Therefore, it concludes to one's compromisation and mutual understanding of culture differences that will result to a living that a couple wants to own eventually.
P/S: However, I have yet to bear children though. Above are my thoughts if I were to have children in future.
taxico wrote:most don't even visit except on special occasions/during the holidays once or twice a year. are asian values novel ideas that will wear off when the going gets tough?
Honestly, my parents are Muslim too and we ever had an open discussion on this matter before. My parents do not expect their children to support them as they are aware of the future needs and high living expectancy that we will be facing. They would feel glad enough to know that we are doing fine with our new formed nucleus family. This differs from many of my Malay/Muslim friends where their parents expect their children to support them fully for a few years before allowing my friends to settle down with a family. Even so, continue to support them after having their nucleus family. This is the reason why I'm so blessed and feel grateful having born with wonderful parents who even allowed me to be married off upon my graduation (where many Malay/Muslim families not all would do that after splurging so much of their savings on their children's education especially in Singapore where tertiary education here costs a bomb). Sadly, my past partner weren't mature yet to see all these blessings that he had missed. Well, our separation was mutual as things do not work out well as our thoughts vary quite a range.
taxico wrote:(i will be using asian females from here on) what about the expectation that a asian woman has? how will she feel about the norms of her partner to not pitch in when her parents need it? certain things can be explained and accepted (visiting during choosok/chinese new year), but other entrenched values ("allowance" and helping out when parents are sick) are harder to swallow by those who simply cannot understand why the way certain things are in asia.
I understand this point of view very much as I've discussed it many a times even with my past Asian partner. Honestly, I would love to have my parents pitch in with me as I've seen them suffered and have sacrificed so much to mould their family and led me to where I am today, living in comfort and attaining my dreams at the cost of their happiness when they were younger. It wasn't their choice but being responsible parents; they want to see their children being successful in their life. Having to see their sincerity building up dreams for their children to live in, being their daughter I don't see any reason why can't I give them the happiness that they've provided me all these while. Furthermore, they're aging and the afterlife abode awaits them in these short years to come. However, my parents have told me that if I were to have a new life partner in future, they do not want to live with me, they just want me to be happy and build a future of my own with a responsible man who can provide me happiness like what they've done for me. I was really touched as they are really understanding on this aspect. They told me that I have to live my life as they've done their best to have me being independent for now. Truthfully, due to this factor, after dating several gentlemen from different races, my thoughts seemed to connect more with some Caucasions instead of the local gentlemen as they seemed to be persistent having their parents to pitch in.
taxico wrote:and finally, my general rant about most well educated asian women. i won't go into details; expecting to take all the time and giving very little back WITHOUT recognizing it as such. how would this make her partner feel in the long run?
Pardon me for this. I don't mean to preach. I'm just quoting from the teachings I've learnt from Islam. Being a wife; be it she is way more successful or more educated from their husband, she has to reserve the rights of her husband. I understand this will rage many women rights organizations, but please pardon me. I see it from a rational point of view on this; when a well educated wife reserves the rights of her husband, he'll value her more and his love for her will surely grow which will result to a more enriching relationship in many years to come.
Oh yah, by the way Taxico, as mentioned above, I'm a Malay/Muslim lady in my mid twenties. I'm really thankful for having responses at your end and resulting to a healthy discussion. I hope others would chip in their thoughts too as this will surely allow me to have a better understanding from the expats' point of view and their expectations.
Teamwork ignites a dynamic relationship...
thank you,sms!
Below, I tagged some comments and query on the 'asian baggage' issue. I hope to hear your view on this soon. 
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