how to get rid of professional conlady/conman

[mrswkn]

My dad is 71 yrs old and he met a conlady and conman around year 2000 to 2001.

[carolynW]

I am not sure if this is advice but I can tell you a similar story that happened in our family. My mom "believed" in true love and one must be with the love. When my parents divorced, she believed that would make her happy. So she attracted a con-man.

He made away with alot of her inheritance and her heart. This is almost 20 years ago, my brother and I were in college. When my brother came back home and stayed with them did he notice inconsistencies of which the con-man then had to bolt... My uncles confronted him, apparently beat him up. The next day with evidence they wanted to take to the police, my mom drove the car back to him and said she forgave him.

Then the classic symptoms of anger, feeling stupid, rage and discovering he had been cheating other women, I was angry too, if I had a gun and he was in front of me I prob would have pulled the trigger.

It was hard for us to watch my mom a grown person in sort of the "reverse" position, ie instead of consoling us of a broken heart and she was so childlike. She later turned to buddhism and is grateful for the experience (so she says) that it has taught her out of her "ideal love" illusion and has since avoided relationships like the plague. Personally I think that is not the middle path that one could and although she has mellowed, she could still have alot to grow from a relationship, but probably her heart can't take another crack.

So... how to deal with these guys? my uncles sent a PI to follow him, had evidence of this conman cheating another 5 women. We stood by her when he dealt with it and was so low, she was suicidal at times. And all things will come to pass. Not sure if its philosophical or to say, some lessons need to be learnt but she is grateful for the experience. It can happen to anyone when they are vulnerable (she has a PhD in the sciences), but she believed all the wierd things he spun!

I don't really have advice but so say there are others in this boat, you may have to spend money on a shrink or will go thru emotions you have never felt, maybe to step back and observe them and in the end, time will heal.

[SunWuKong]

You aren't your father's keeper. His choices are his own and any you try to make on his behalf will only humiliate and hurt him, ultimately stealing his autonomy and reducing his joy in life.

If you are offended by the use that your money is put to, then don't give him money, that is your choice. However if you go one step further to coordinate an effort to cut off every monetary source upon which your father now relies, you will have returned to the first scenario. Although I personally think that this would be the only way to remove the parasite, as she is unlikely to remain long at an empty well unless she is more sincere than you imply.

The other thing to consider is that perhaps your father knows exactly what he is doing, for better or for worse.

[ksl]

Only through experience of life will you be wise enough to see through the parasites, that surround us all, being street wise starts off at a young age....and this is why i personally came to the conclusion that life and relationships are quite illusive, there will always be the cause and effect scenario in relationships.

Once you look into your own self, you can then chose the path you take with more caution, imagine SMS's little nick and the fishing rod, for a prime example, it's harmless psychology and quite fun to understand peoples characters.

Being able to pick up the signals that people around us are emitting is quite fun and educational, many people love to make story's and listening to the stories, can be also entertaining, riveting, scary, or educational.

There are many con artists about, you can spot them a mile away, they are mostly ego central, over friendly and will go out of their way, to convince the prey they care about them.

The only way i see is background checks proof of testimonials from suffering parties. But yes stop his money until its all sorted out, if he wants food he knows you are there for him. It's a tough one if he has feelings for her, but you can see how some Singaporean men have been used by persistent beautiful women, to extract all the money from them, before doing a runner. Sex is very enticing, love is blind, and the money is quickly gone. One is lost broken hearted, probably never to remain the same person again.

My only advice is not to trust in anyone until you are confident of the other persons character, there are many wolves dressed up as lambs, to catch their prey! Remember they come in all shapes and sizes, and many occupations, he could be the helpful handy man, that you open the door too, only to find he left with all your hidden savings. Never trust anyone at any time, that way you will survive much longer, friends are very few and far between in real life!

[mrswkn]

thanks carolyn.

[ksl]

thanks carolyn. glad your mom did wake up. i did think of PI but wasn't sure how to go about it (do you have any pointers?). the problem is i acted too late. the conlady is now working long distance. she was constantly with my dad (from 2001 to 2008) until he gave away all the fixed deposit money we gave him. knowing the he has dried up all his cash in bank, she does not spend time with him anymore but she has worked her charm so well that dad will go to the bank and remit money to her as soon as he has any money either from his children or anyone that believes his story. he is actually telling people his children are being unfilial to get sympathy. he even asked money from my mother in law. he cried in front of her and managed to get a few hundred dollars from her. it is only then i realised the severity of the problem. i never knew he suffered so much as i have been giving him money and food. all his expenses are paid for ie utilities, insurance, etc. i gave him a car and paid all expenses for the car. he basically should have a care free worry free retirement life.

dear SunWuKong, yes i am not his keeper but i cant help feeling sad that my father is suffering. i really wish dad my dad can live better. he is already 71, he should eat well, sleep well, go for holidays etc. he is deteriorating faster than he should due to worrying about the conlady's welfare, going around telling lies to get money for the conlady, losing his dignity by begging for money from relatives. yeah old dog can learn new tricks. my dad was an honest man. only at the age of 69, he start to spin lies.

total cut off of monetary source is not a solution because the conlady work with a conman. they are lovers. the conman goes to dad's house once in a while to check on dad and get free lunch. even if we cut off dad's allowance, we will eventually give him money. the conman and conlady will spring back into action.

there is no way the conlady is sincere. i dont mind my dad getting a life partner. i will be happy. i dont mind providing sustenance to a sincere life partner. this conlady has a lover and they are working together to cheat dad. how can dad be so blind? beats me.

hi ksl, thanks. reminds me of the person i am before and after coming to singapore. perhaps life is simpler in smaller towns in malaysia. i am a bit more street smart having lived in singapore but i definately miss the old me that has no guard on. it was so much easier to laugh and giggle then.
your description of a con artist is spot on.

I'm sorry to hear the difficulties, how old is the woman? Your father may have been truly sucked in, by her lies and deceit. I can only suggest getting to the bottom of it, this lady may have something on your father, that holds him in her grip, she could even be blackmailing him and you wouldn't know. A man of 69 is still very young at heart, and believe me I'm 59 and have a mind of a 40 year old.

One needs to get to the bottom of it somehow, it appears very suspicious to me, that they haven't had a great deal of contact, but he's still sending money, makes me think the worse, try to sit with him and talk it out, could be the lady seduced him and he's ashamed, depending on the age of the woman, she may even claim, all sorts of sexual harassment to get what she wants.

If you can locate her, maybe you can infiltrate her comfort zone, using a private eye, to get to the bottom of it, these kind of people like to show off and talk big most of the time, they have psychopathic tendencies of lying and cheating to survive. Good Luck!

[SunWuKong]

Your story is very sad. The situation is no doubt too complex for an armchair observer to really understand, however I don't think I'm going too far out on a limb by saying that your father is probably very lonely.

Perhaps the best course of action would be to dangle the proverbial carrot in front of the asses nose, so to speak. If you can drag your father along to some socializing functions for the elderly, dancing, bingo, trivia; you may be able to inspire some romance in his life. I think that you will be pleasantly surprised, for a change, at just how mercurial a man's attentions can be.

[macaroonie]

I am really sorry to hear of your plight and so far you seem to be very strong and handling it relatively well! keep your chin up and your strength up.

There is something called compassion with wisdom. Stubborn people need to learn the lesson by experiencing the hardship, the pain, the humiliation, the suffering, i know as a bystander that is hard to stomach but sometimes this is the only way they learn.

On the other hand i agree cutting money to your dad is not a solution because by giving still you know at least that he is getting some proper nutrition for himself even if some of it does go to these con people.

Your dad will realise one day that he has put all of his family, who sincerely care about him, through all of this shit...until that day his eyes open to reality stand by him and support him as much as you can. What goes around comes around.. every dog has it's day, these con people will not get off so lightly.

Be strong, i wish you all the best..

[littlegreenman]

I am very sorry to hear about your situation.

Frankly speaking in my opinion the only way you can get your dad out of this situation is by cutting of all funds. You provide him with everything he needs and more, food, housing, car... your idea of arranging with the restaurant for him to eat there was brilliant. But you have to keep in mind that your father currently is not in the right state of mind and if he decides to not take up this offer of free food then he is doing it simply for one reason: to make you resume to funding so he can pass on the money to the conlady. You can love your father to bits and exactly for that reason you should not continue giving him money as he will give 100% away and you do not help him solve the problem he is in. It would just go on and on and I am VERY sure he would still eat the same if he got the money from you because he would still give everything away. So in effect, any money you give him will go 100% to the conlady and he will still go to the market and buy only the bread crust to eat.

[carolynW]

Just becareful he doesn't head to the moneylenders as that is what we found out thru the police... ie the con people will persuade them to get money from any source.

[mrswkn]

Conlady is 60 yrs old.

[littlegreenman]

...Ok actually we did cut off funds a few months in 2008. It is not a solution as the conlady and conman is forever waiting. They are younger than Dad, they work long term. What the conman does is visit Dad once in a while to assess Dad's condition. We can't let Dad suffer forever. In fact I tried to reduce cash and give food, etc. Naturally I buy things in the biggest packaging. They seem to disappear quite fast. What Dad did was he trade the things I bought for him for cash, remit money to conlady and eat bread skin. Amazing....

Again, in my opinion you are not letting your dad suffer for ever. If you provide him with everything he needs (ie. he can go to the restaurant to eat etc) then it is himself who causes his suffering, NOT YOUR FAULT. The only mistake you can make is keep it going on by giving him money. Yes, the conlady will wait. But not forever. And resuming funding to your dead, ie. them does not help make the situation better as he will still give all the money away and eat bread skin only. So everything is still the same just that all the money you gave him went to the conlady.

[mrswkn]

Thanks everyone for your thoughts and time.