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how did moving affect your family?

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tanusa
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how did moving affect your family?

Post by tanusa » Sat, 18 Jul 2009 5:33 am

hi everyone,

Just wondering if anyone would care to share their experience living overseas in regards to your family. I'm asking because I just got off the phone with my mother, who has gone from being very supportive of our move to basically telling me we're doing the wrong thing and how could we even think of it. She won't get to see her grandchildren, etc. I know each family is different, and this is a bit of a personal issue. I guess I'm just wondering if living far away (really, really far away) from the rest of your family has been what you expected. Is it easier or more difficult? I've lived overseas before, but in England, which is not that far from the US (my home country) relatively speaking. I explained that the kids and I would spend summers at home, we could talk often on Skype, etc. She just tells me it's not the same. I know she's right.

Sigh... I was hoping my family would take this well...

Thanks for any words of wisdom. :)

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Zeenit
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Post by Zeenit » Sat, 18 Jul 2009 2:03 pm

My mother in law also did all the "its very far" its expensive to call etc etc.
They came to visit Jan 2009 and 8 weeks back in the Uk called and asked if they could come back for a month this time.

It is far and time diff to the UK is harder because due to 7-8 hour time diff. Not sure how many hours the USA is but that might be easier.
We also got a UK telephone number via skype and that works better as she can call when she wants for a chat. They not very skype friendly.

It took us a few months to settle but its an easy place to settle into and make friends.

So most families do thru the " its very far, how could you". look at it this way. How would you feel if she said " Ok, when you off and write often".

Dont worry and it will be ok.
Zeenit

tanusa
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Post by tanusa » Sat, 18 Jul 2009 8:42 pm

Thanks for your reply Zeenit. It's interesting to hear they wanted to come back for a longer visit. I'm hoping my family will start looking at the bright side of being able to do that too.

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Post by sundaymorningstaple » Sun, 19 Jul 2009 12:15 am

Zeenit wrote: It is far and time diff to the UK is harder because due to 7-8 hour time diff. Not sure how many hours the USA is but that might be easier.
We also got a UK telephone number via skype and that works better as she can call when she wants for a chat. They not very skype friendly.
Zeenit,

That is exactly what I did with my mom and dad (to different locations but in the same area) and the got a local to their area skype phone number. So they can pick up the phone and just dial a local number anytime they like. Neither of my parents are computer literate so buying them a PC at 82 & 83 is a waste of effort. The skype system at the equivalent of around 7 bucks a month SGD and a fair usage of 10,000 minutes/month has Mom calling up 2 or three times a week and talking for an hour or more about any and everything.

That coupled with a Ceiva Digital Photo Frame (the originators and still the best) is the cats whiskers!
SOME PEOPLE TRY TO TURN BACK THEIR ODOMETERS. NOT ME. I WANT PEOPLE TO KNOW WHY I LOOK THIS WAY. I'VE TRAVELED A LONG WAY, AND SOME OF THE ROADS WEREN'T PAVED. ~ Will Rogers

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Post by MamaCass » Sun, 19 Jul 2009 10:35 pm

Living overseas with my children has been the best experience for them. All three hands down will say it was the best time in their childhood. You are giving them a gift of a lifetime! As for extended family.......they can be difficult. When you go home in the summers for 6-8 weeks you can give them your full attention and spend quality time. Once we rented a beach house in OBX and invited all the extended family. Now we bought a 2nd home at the beach and they all come and visit while we are home.

With email, facebook, skype it will be easier then they think to stay in close contact. Plus they get a wonder place to come visit you! It's hard for family to understand our desire for adventure and new experiences.
Best of luck to you!

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Post by soniawh » Tue, 21 Jul 2009 3:54 am

Hi there,

We moved out here about 9 months ago and it was difficult for my husbands family as his father had passed away. But although it was hard on them they have coped wonderfully. My mother-in-law infact is coming over for a few months for the birth of my baby.

All familys have a hard time at first but they do come round especially if they come out for extended visits or you go back for longer periods.

You just have to do what is best for you and your family and hope that they can accept it. As we said when we moved, you can't stay just to keep family happy you have to live your own lives.

I'm sure they will come around but I know the guilt that is piled on can be hard to deal with so you have my sympathy.

Hope iit all goes well
Sonia

tanusa
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Post by tanusa » Tue, 21 Jul 2009 5:12 am

MamaCass wrote:Living overseas with my children has been the best experience for them. All three hands down will say it was the best time in their childhood. You are giving them a gift of a lifetime! As for extended family.......they can be difficult. When you go home in the summers for 6-8 weeks you can give them your full attention and spend quality time. Once we rented a beach house in OBX and invited all the extended family. Now we bought a 2nd home at the beach and they all come and visit while we are home.

With email, facebook, skype it will be easier then they think to stay in close contact. Plus they get a wonder place to come visit you! It's hard for family to understand our desire for adventure and new experiences.
Best of luck to you!
MamaCass, It's great to hear your children feel the way they do. My husband and I definitely see it as a gift for our kids. We also see it as a gift for ourselves, to be honest. I love the idea of having the chance to explore a completely different part of the world! Thanks for letting me know what you do during the summer. I love the beach home idea. Much easier to stay in one place, and have all the family come to you.

tanusa
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Post by tanusa » Tue, 21 Jul 2009 5:16 am

soniawh wrote:Hi there,

We moved out here about 9 months ago and it was difficult for my husbands family as his father had passed away. But although it was hard on them they have coped wonderfully. My mother-in-law infact is coming over for a few months for the birth of my baby.

All familys have a hard time at first but they do come round especially if they come out for extended visits or you go back for longer periods.

You just have to do what is best for you and your family and hope that they can accept it. As we said when we moved, you can't stay just to keep family happy you have to live your own lives.

I'm sure they will come around but I know the guilt that is piled on can be hard to deal with so you have my sympathy.

Hope iit all goes well
Sonia
Thanks Sonia, I agree we have to do what's right for our own families. But, yes, the guilt it tough! Last time I talked to my mom, she was really angry. It completely caught me off guard. I guess it's a process she has to go through.

Good luck with the birth of your baby! How nice it will be to have additional family support.

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moving back

Post by IreSg » Wed, 22 Jul 2009 12:02 am

hi Taunsa

i can see your concerns and understand where you are coming from, but at the end of the day its your own family which comes first. I am moving back to Singapore in November and it is also hard for me, i currently live in Ireland and my wife is Singaporean we have two young kids, so for a family singapore is a good place to be,,, i do also worry about my family once i move my parents are in their 70's and my dad has not been in the best of health of late... but you just need to weigh up the options and look at the bigger picture as to which is best for your immediate family, the family will come around eventually.

when are you moving back? hope things work out

Emmet

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Post by ksl » Wed, 22 Jul 2009 3:21 am

Being an ex squaddie at 60 and only married the last 9 years, I get to see it from my child point of view! She being only 8 and me taking more due care and attention about my daughters needs, rather than my life. However my wife also comes into the equation and I vowed to sacrifice my life for marriage.

My daughter was born in Taiwan, and is automatically a british citizen, although i have more respect for a foreign culture than my own, that is sad, but true. I have grown up watching society destroy itself, and gone are the days, of open doors and the sense of belonging to a community.

My daughter misses Taiwan very much, she misses her grandparents, I believe the education is also better, although that is not a problem, because my daughter is adequately more advanced at a cost. My belief is that she may well be endowed with an understanding of culture, and the differences in culture, I find that more rewarding than anything else.

In these days, its easy with internet, video cameras and voip, no such luck in our old day, when we didn't have a choice, The US citizens being forced away from their home life, for vietnam, many never to be returned, just like today in the Middle East...do you think these kids have a choice? They do not! In most civvy worlds, these kids are never even given a thought, and yet the same questions repeat themselves every year.

Of course harm is done, but do parents care, about the thoughts of children, parents or inlaws, when life is about making money, or adventure and not defending the Country, let others do that. I think to be away from the people you love is a traumatic effect, it can never be replaced, adults handle it the best way they can, children too, although i think children never have the same feelings again ever, for their missed ones, because they cannot relate to the experience, because of memory and growing. It is sad, but travel and experience may also have it's benefits.
I think the importance is in the closeness of the family and the need to make the move a positive experience of learning, and to be involved with the children growth, rather than the adult experience of partying, I know both can happen because i have also seen the neglect. My wife's parents used to come every year, until last year, then all hell lets loose, because death is calling us all, how do we handle it?

Not easy I can tell you that, death is a slow and very expensive process if you cannot afford it, a lot of crying is done, children miss their grandparents, and work must also carry on, even worse if two parents fall ill and a husband too, it happened to me after my heart attack, and i pondered over my wife's situation for many months, putting the inlaws first before my own life.

I found it quite amazing that one could be less than a few days away from death, riddled from cancer, old age late 80's and 3 months in intensive care, could ever be discharged. I cancelled my heart op 3 times because of my wife not being able to cope and many said i was an idiot.

Maybe maybe not, my faith was only in god, and I'm not a religious person, but i have no other to pray too when i am feeling close to death, not even my wife could help. The sadness i feel that I may miss my child growing up, the sadness i feel that my in laws are so ill, and the sadness I feel that my wife is suffering every day, and must continue her work, or lose everything, is nothing new, in Asia.

Although I do prioritise life and family before myself, the rest is in the hands of god, whoever he, she or it may be. Singapore brings me closer to the worlds people than any other Country and I'm happy for that, and i know my child and wife is also happy with that experience, even though we do not like Singapore as a Country so much, we are here for a reason and it appears, its to help those that need it, and to be close to the wife's family too with Taiwan being only 4.5 hrs a way.

I count myself lucky, when I have to look at all the less fortunate people, riding in the back of trucks, who cares about them, I wonder!

We must follow the path, that our destiny, plans for us and deal with the problems on the way, for those that are very happy because they have not yet experienced the problems of life, I can only say, get prepared, nobody escapes fate, death or destruction unless they are born lucky. How many lottery ticket winners are there out of the worlds population?

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Post by jpatokal » Wed, 22 Jul 2009 12:28 pm

MamaCass wrote:Living overseas with my children has been the best experience for them. All three hands down will say it was the best time in their childhood.
Good for you and your kids, but having spent my own childhood moving around every couple of years and seeing lots of other kids in the same situation, I'd have to say that this is far from universal. The younger the kids, the less the pain of adjusting, but teenagers already have a tough enough time without getting uprooted from their friends and first loves and getting plunked into an alien school and culture.
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