what would you do?

[lsac0902]

Hi! we are very disappointed by our helper. She's working for us for a year and a half now. My son loves her. She really takes good care of him since he's 3 months-old. Up to now, everything's was fine.

Here are the facts. We have a sofa in our living room and a chaise longue in my son's room that is used to put his soft toys. Both are the same colour. In my son's room, we put a sheet on it to protect the cover. The helper stains the sofa in the living and replace the cover by the one of the chaise longue. Of course, the size is not the same, but as it is bigger, she managed to wedge it well. So we cannot notice the difference until it was undone by my husband who laid on it last Sunday. I was wondering why the cover is in such a mess and discovered it's not the correct one. The day after, we ask our helper what happened to the cover as I cannot find it. The first thing she did was to lie saying that it's been like that since she works for us (meaning that the previous helper changed it). The bad thing for her is that I took a picture of the chaise longue not long time ago because I want to sell it and the cover was still on it! I told her that and ask her why she's lying. Instead of saying the truth, she kept on trying to say it's not her fault. Then, I let it go. I asked her again several hours later. Then, she told me the truth. She stained the sofa cover and could not remove the stain, making it even bigger. So she took it to the laundry shop. And why she didn't tell us? Because she was afraid we were angry (by the way, we are not bad employers). I told her that staining a sofa cover is not a big deal, but lying to us is a big deal. So what's next? What would you do? Maybe, we were too king to her. Then, why she was afraid to tell us the truth? We are really disappointed and sad that she did such a bad thing.

[akhild]

its a relation thing.
did u 'bring up' ur maid over the 18 months with mutual trust?
Why was she compelled to lie over such a small thing.

obviously she understands ur worth and also acknowledges that u r good employers. thats y she didnt want to disappoint u.

but is the culture with u such that she cannot disappoint u? not even sometimes with small matters?

[lsac0902]

well, I hope not. When she needed someting, we always said yes to her as it was always reasonable. We have a very good relationship with her and treats her as a part of the family as I don't want my kid to grow up thinking that there are people that are superior to others. She's eating with us, even watching TV with us. We try not to overload her with the work as I know it's already very demanding looking after a toddler. I'm at home most of the time and go out when my son have his nap. So I know that she's not bad to him and do her chores as much as she can when my son is not too much around her.

Maybe, she really didn't want to disappoint us. But what I don't understand is that she didn't tell the truth immediately as we discovered the whole thing. It's like she's thinking we are stupid!

The other thing to point out is that she likes to praise herself. She will say she does this and that well, etc... So, usually, I half trust her when she speaks like that. So, maybe, because of her own nature, she didn't want to do show that she did such a mistake. But then, can we still trust her? It's like something's been broken.

[akhild]

respect for u man! i know some families here who buy a different quality of rice for maids. need more good folks like u arnd.

back to the point:

1) nobody telling a lie out of fear would lie thinking you are stupid. its simply the best she could have done (in her opinion).

2) you could fire her for the 'broken' thing, but then that wont achieve anything. if i was you, i would tell her that my children also make mistakes and i forgive them. but when they lie to me i give them a good piece of my mind (or a slap ). so as u r a part of or family, pls do not lie to us. if you have done something wrong, admit it and then we'll search for answers to make sure it wont happen again.

3) her saying good thing abt herself sounds like self doubt or lack of self esteem. give her space to grow. Make it a rule in the house that when she says it again, she has to better her last performance by 5%.

oh yeah, and if it ever happens again, well...

happens once, the wrongdoer is a fool
happens twice, the wrongdoer is a bigger fool and needs to go
happens thrice, u r a fool

[lsac0902]

well, your number two point is what I did. I told her that staining the sofa is something that can happen. She doesn't need to hide it. Then, I believe, we may let her an other chance.

[Thaiclan]

Her intention was always good. When she swapped the covers it wasnt because she was thinking "yeah this is really gonna pi** then off when they find it out". She swapped the covers so she could hide her mistake. When the cover up unravelled all she could do was lie to save her face and not appear so stupid - my God people lie for far less than that!
She acted like a child and was caught redhanded doing something stupid (not wrong just stupid).
You love her enough to share your food,TV,familytime. You trust her enough to let her take care of the most important thing in your life.
Let this go. We all stuff up at our jobs, and it just so happens hers is working in your home. It really is no big deal, and it is easy to see if you just try and understand where she is coming from.

Also to everyone with helpers. We ALL say "oh they are part of the family, they eat with us, we give her this this and this"bla bla bla. The reality is there is a difference and the helper/maid is very aware of it, thus she will often try and cover up little things to stay under the trouble radar.

When my helper magically changes an item of clothing (size,shape,colour) or does/doesn't do something around the house that I find irritating I just laugh it off as I still cannot (after 3 years) get over the gratitude I feel from having someone to help with the washing, 2 kids, cleaning, cooking, shopping, 2 dogs, errands, floor mopping, spring cleaning, ironing. It is Bliss!

[pakjohn]

Her intention was always good. When she swapped the covers it wasnt because she was thinking "yeah this is really gonna pi** then off when they find it out". She swapped the covers so she could hide her mistake.

I agree, sounds like you're overall happy with her other than this episode. I don't think it reflects her true integrity; just imagine being morbidly embarrassed or ashamed, you might be tempted to cover it up as well.
Our helper has broken a couple of things over the past 2 years, when we ask she gets absolutely pale and says "I dunno". She is such a gem and it's easy to tell she's nearly crippled with embarrassment at having broken something. So, now we don't ask, we just fix it.

[lsac0902]

It's not the fact that she hided the whole thing that annoys me. It's more the fact that she lied when we asked her what happened. Our first reaction was disappointment because we trusted her. If she lied for such a small thing, maybe she did it for more important thing as well. I just hope I don't have a wrong opinion of her and that I can still trust her as she's taking care of my child.

[Thaiclan]

Well now you are in a dilemma. How can you possibly leave your child with someone you may have a "small doubt" about. Either get over it and drop it, or get a new helper.
Sitting on a forum complaining, having a "small doubt" but still letting her take care of your child is just hypocritical. If you have a "small doubt" did you leave her alone with your child yesterday?
You posted on the forum asking for opinions. All posters have pretty ,much told you its no big deal. Maybe that's not what you wanted to hear, but its what the posters think.
However if you really really do think the trust has gone then of course you cannot entrust her with your kid. Stop posting here and start emailing agencies for a new helper.

[road.not.taken]

It's not the fact that she hided the whole thing that annoys me. It's more the fact that she lied when we asked her what happened. Our first reaction was disappointment because we trusted her. If she lied for such a small thing, maybe she did it for more important thing as well. I just hope I don't have a wrong opinion of her and that I can still trust her as she's taking care of my child.

Only you know whether you can trust her. Sometimes our maid sounds like a tattletale, because she makes sure I know who broke what ~ they are sooooo afraid of getting blamed and they all have friends and Aunties who have been fired for much less. I'd give her another chance and perhaps watch her a bit more closely, if there is indeed a pattern of lying then you have to really examine the trust issue. If you ask someone point blank, without anger ~ you should expect the truth. I'd give her another chance, explain that you need to be able to trust her so next time something breaks (and remind her that this happens to everyone and you won't get mad), when you ask her a question you expect a truthful answer.

[soniawh]

Hi there,

I agree with most of the replies. My sister gave me some great advice when we took our girl. She said before you get upset about breakages think is it something you could have done. I thought about it and when she came to us I told her if you damage or break anything please tell me so I can replace it, don't be scared to tell me as I would be more upset by the omission than the breakage. Since the start she has always told me if anything has happened and is so apologetic. I know she isn't reckless and it is only a cup or glass here and there, I broke much more myself when I was taking care of my house.

But alot of the posts are right, some girls are so scared of admitting that they damaged something that they will deny it strenuously. Especially if they think that the item is important to you, irrespective of whether or not you have a good relationship. I don't think this means she will be a danger to your child in any way. You have said yourself that she takes great care of your child.

I think aslong as you make it clear that your disappointment with her arises from the lie and not the act itself she will learn and not repeat the mistake. Everyone deserves a second chance, especially as I can't tell you how many times I lied to my boss when I was working (saying I was ill when I was hungover).

The only other thing I picked up on when you mentioned you treat her as part of the family. We have a great relationship with our helper and I know she feels very well treated but clearly there is some distance. You say that she eats with you and watches TV with you. This I wouldn't neccessarily think was a good idea. For one I know that our's loves to eat her dinner in her room watching TV. She would hate to eat with us, especially as she cooks whatever she likes for herself (normally a philippine dish). And after she has finished dinner for us she goes off to her room to watch her own TV alone and I know she prefers it. They get little time to themselves and in my experience most like to have that time alone. I think sometimes we muddle up what we think is nice for them versus what they themselves might want. Just a thought.

Good luck with the situation I hope it all goes well.

well, your number two point is what I did. I told her that staining the sofa is something that can happen. She doesn't need to hide it. Then, I believe, we may let her an other chance.

[lsac0902]

The only other thing I picked up on when you mentioned you treat her as part of the family. We have a great relationship with our helper and I know she feels very well treated but clearly there is some distance. You say that she eats with you and watches TV with you. This I wouldn't neccessarily think was a good idea. For one I know that our's loves to eat her dinner in her room watching TV. She would hate to eat with us, especially as she cooks whatever she likes for herself (normally a philippine dish). And after she has finished dinner for us she goes off to her room to watch her own TV alone and I know she prefers it. They get little time to themselves and in my experience most like to have that time alone. I think sometimes we muddle up what we think is nice for them versus what they themselves might want. Just a thought.

Well, we've always let her the choice. When she began to work for us, we asked her whether she prefers to eat with us or alone. And as for the TV, she doesn't have one in her room, so we just tell her to join whenever she wants.

Thanks for all the reply. It helped me to understand more why she acted like that. I never thought that people can tell lie because of fear even when they know that the other person discovered the truth.

[soniawh]

Oh okay it makes sense if she hasn't got her own tv. We hired the sister of my sisters helper so we provided same facilities i,e TV, DVD and cable.

I think most lies are out of fear unless someone is particularly devious. She clearly enjoys working for you and doesn't want to jeopardise her job and perhaps didn't think it through.

Hope all the posts help but you know her best and you just have to go with your gut feeling.



[/quote]


Well, we've always let her the choice. When she began to work for us, we asked her whether she prefers to eat with us or alone. And as for the TV, she doesn't have one in her room, so we just tell her to join whenever she wants.

Thanks for all the reply. It helped me to understand more why she acted like that. I never thought that people can tell lie because of fear even when they know that the other person discovered the truth.[/quote]