Need an advice to save my marriage

[irvine]

Why don't you try to get a job here in Singapore? Then you can have your own employment pass. And when you get to know more friends and colleagues, life will be better.

Try not to see your world only consist of him, bcoz as hard as it is to swallow, you may be only a small part in his world.

Also, have you visited your embassy? Can they help in any way? Or have you talked to a counselor?

Everybody has his/her past, this one he didn't have a clean cut and he married you. I don't know what he is thinking, but marriage is a big thing. So, either he change soon enough, or you leave.

Don't worry about this being a 2nd marriage. Shit happens, and a nice clean shower now is probably better than being continually soaked in shit. Sorry, a little crude.

What I want to say is, you can be a happy person again if you allow yourself to be.

[seetha_genuine]

ya, thats wat Iam trying nowadays. a job for myself. so as to be secure by al means.but since recession, job is also a problem.but trying hard. I do want to discuss him abt the topic, but previous discussion has created a lot of problems. so now again how wat and all?Iam not sure.Iam not feeling confident in that

[wnyw]

i hope you have managed to get some assistance by now or have some development in your talk with your husband.

If you still can't i think there are some counselling service available here (thought i read about this in some magazine or newspaper), but not sure if it's open to non Singaporean...

I agree, you should try getting a job and secure a residency in SG. i guess the pressure you get in India would be worse.

[ksl]

ya, thats wat Iam trying nowadays. a job for myself. so as to be secure by al means.but since recession, job is also a problem.but trying hard. I do want to discuss him abt the topic, but previous discussion has created a lot of problems. so now again how wat and all?Iam not sure.Iam not feeling confident in that

I understand your situation and feel for you. One good thing about this, is that i find it hard to believe you are in love with this guy, after such a short time together.

Being Indian is another difficulty you have to deal with, because of the strong cultural issues.

My personal advice to you, is to except what your husband is doing, by apologising to him, let him know that you care about him and that you feel he his letting everyone down and then tell him you will not mention it again.

You need to use your situation here, to improve your life, rather than destroy it, so go along with him, and let him do what he wants, although you must take precautions to protect yourself, pregnancy would be awful under the circumstance.

Love does take time to blossom in marriages like this, and it's more of a commitment in the beginning, so I do hope you can compose yourself and see, that the only way, is to secure your future, and deal with any divorce at a later date.

Make friends here and try to network for a job, try Mustafa place or any other place but keep focussed on your goal of remaining here, if you are going to suffer worse back in India.

Believe me, many men are the same, and lack the discipline and ethics to be a one woman man, and this problem is a world wide problem, although they are more discreet, women too, so just take the pain as experience of life and move on slowly and deliberate, to secure a good life for yourself. Best of Luck

I think you should seek professional advice from some of the charities or Singaporean Community welfare, maybe they can help you secure a job until you can stand on your own two feet.

[irvine]

KSL got a really good point.

Strategize.

[seetha_genuine]

Ya, I agree with u KSL. Though I had a recent talk with my husband abt the situation, and hoping to get things better. Iam trying for a job to make my stay in Singapore. Bcoz most of the times my thout is only abt the other lady.
And abt the charities that u mentioned , I didnt understud much, can u xplain.
And another weak point in this is that the other lady is alwayz trying to come in a way between our relation and I cant find a way to stop it.

[ksl]

Ya, I agree with u KSL. Though I had a recent talk with my husband abt the situation, and hoping to get things better. Iam trying for a job to make my stay in Singapore. Bcoz most of the times my thout is only abt the other lady.
And abt the charities that u mentioned , I didnt understud much, can u xplain.
And another weak point in this is that the other lady is alwayz trying to come in a way between our relation and I cant find a way to stop it.

I can understand your thoughts being on the other lady, although you must find strength to ignore these emotions, by all means make your point known to your husband, although if you only suspect an affair, without any proof at all...I would say, that your mind may well be the problem, they may well be just friends, that share some time together who knows....

I've been in the same situation so I know how difficult it is, if your emotions are difficult to control, but believe me, if you can conquer the devil in your heart, you will find peace and love, in a different dimension, be strong and think only about your survival, tell your husband, you love him, and that you only wish to see him happy, if you love him so much, let him go...let him see, he cannot make you jealous, because you are a person that loves all life.

You are riding a wave, with hurt in your heart, and each day, you will become stronger or weaker, you choose, because we have the evil inside, as well as good, which side do you want to choose?

Be positive that your life will change for the better and work just on securing your future, everything else will fall into place, be it divorce or a new life. Hopefully you haven't been with him long enough to feel the strong bonds of attachment, if so, all you can do is to occupy your mind, with other things but him, he is not your night in shining armour, but a thorn in your side.

Just remember that leopards never change their spots, and even though it gets smoothed out, it could happen again, learn by the experience and secure your own future, there are many people with the same issues you have, so do not feel you are alone.

Some of the charities I believe are the churches and other organisations that help women, that are having difficulties, with their husbands for one reason or another, ask the local community office if their are any free marriage councillors available in your community, I believe they are confidential and will not approach your husband, unless you authorise them, they are their to help listen and advise, some may help to find you work.
I'll see if i can locate the information for you!

[seetha_genuine]

Ya, angel and devil resides within us only. and as usual sometimes feel very much down and sometimes normal. And abt the relation, actually the relation with the other lady is not only a friendly relation . I have some months b4 had an open talk with my husband and I asked. He asked sorry and said he will leave it. Later as I had an ectopic pregnancy surgery, I was not with him. later when I returned, I finding the relationship with the other lady continuing. So it pained more and so I got confused as wat to do now. Even if I talk, may ask Sorry and will repeat. Its not that I dont trust him. I dont trust the other lady.
Now bcoz of the situation, atleast I want to be secure professionally. theres no option i can see.

[OogieBoogie]

go have a talk with the other lady

[wnyw]

Ya, I agree with u KSL. Though I had a recent talk with my husband abt the situation, and hoping to get things better. Iam trying for a job to make my stay in Singapore. Bcoz most of the times my thout is only abt the other lady.
And abt the charities that u mentioned , I didnt understud much, can u xplain.
And another weak point in this is that the other lady is alwayz trying to come in a way between our relation and I cant find a way to stop it.

Hi Seetha, I've a friend who helped to kick start a counselling program to support women who is going through marital problem and has no one to turn to...

The organisation is called New Rainbow, no: 6476-1481. Pls contact Anna or Geraldine and you may tell them that you are referred by Vivienne Yip's friend.

During this time, it's best to acknowledge your problem but do not dwell in it and lament about it as it won't help. U would need to move on.

Try contacting this organisation and see if you can get practical help from them too.

[seetha_genuine]

Talking to the other lady is of no use. Actually I tried thru email and it resulted in more complications. and Wats this New Rainbow Organisation up2? and where is it ?

[wnyw]

Talking to the other lady is of no use. Actually I tried thru email and it resulted in more complications. and Wats this New Rainbow Organisation up2? and where is it ?

No point. I experienced trying talking to the other lady before when I had same experience. And it's more painful as she was my best friend who seduced my husband (then we were not married).

Anyway, this is the info about this organisation:

NEW RAINBOW SUPPORT GROUP

Heal and Recover from Infidelity: To help people facing extra-marital affairs in their marriages to become more effective in coping with their crisis.
Organiser: Care Corner Family Service Centre (Queenstown)

Programme Details
Date: 6 weekly sessions
Time: 7.30 - 9.30pm
Venue: Care Corner Family Service Centre (Queenstown) Blk 88 Tanglin Halt Road #05-01
{above multi-storey carpark}
Language: English
Fees: $150
Facilitators: Anna Low (Senior Counsellor) or Geraldine Foo (Social Worker)

Registration and Enquiries
Tel: 6476 1481 Fax: 6476 1483
Email: [email protected]

Website: http://www.carecorner.org.sg/upcoming.htm#rainbow

If you are not ready to go for the paid counselling session, you can still talk to either Anna or Geraldine and share your situation with them. They will then help you from there, eg. one-to-one counselling, couple counselling or partner you with a mentor (someone who graduated from the New Rainbow Support Group, ie. a victim herself, but is now emotionally mature and trained to offer help to someone in such need), be invited for New Rainbow gatherings, etc. They will definitely be able to find a platform of support for you where you will feel comfortable in.

You may wish to give this a shot... I know this is tough but i believe that after you overcome this challenge of your life, you'll become a much stronger and successful woman.

[ksl]

There are other organisations that do not charge a penny, so do not be hoodwinked into paying a cent. These people provide a service for money, not compassion, keep well away from them. They can do nothing to solve your situation only listen to what you have to say, and give useless advice.

The local community centre is the best place to enquire for free advice, legal too. It may just be worth while to discuss with legal aid, if you can sue the woman for the malicious break up of your marriage, if the Singaporean law covers anything like this.

Just a warning letter from a lawyer may just do the trick or a court order, to stop her interfering in your marriage.

[seetha_genuine]

For counselling sessions and all Iam not intrested as I myself is a Psychologist, though not practicing. As Iam a Foreigner in Singapore and the other lady as PR in Singapore, the law suits more to them than me. And more over going after the law will make the situation complex. Is there any use in finding the husband of the other lady?

[ksl]

For counselling sessions and all Iam not intrested as I myself is a Psychologist, though not practicing. As Iam a Foreigner in Singapore and the other lady as PR in Singapore, the law suits more to them than me. And more over going after the law will make the situation complex. Is there any use in finding the husband of the other lady?

To be honest I would just get over it, use your survival skills to get what you can from this bad experience, it's just not worth it, it will probably happen again and again, so what's the point? There are plenty of good guys about, so move on!

Marriage must be right from the start in my opinion, I don't do second chances for anyone and it's not because of pride, it's because my old mum was right about people, they never change their spots.

You should actually know better yourself, being a psychologist, in fact you should know very well how to deal with this situation, if anything, but the fact why most people study psychology is also an indication that they also have an underlying problem themselves.

Yes I did do quite a bit of self study myself, for my own reasons too. But i learnt from it, to dump the baggage and start a new life, it just took 25 years, before i decided to marry again Although in your culture I can imagine it will be very hard for you in the beginning, you owe it to yourself, to make the best out of a disaster, so go for it.

I can assure you that you may believe you do not need the support, I can honestly say, that I was under a shrink for quite a while, and I discovered he needed me, more than i needed him I could predict his routine and also his pill popping, the simplest thing in the world is to manipulate a shrink with problems, I quite enjoyed going, because i could turn the table and end up interviewing him.

I also did my own self diagnosis over a period of time of reading case studies from ex military cases. I wasn't wrong, and I believe he was under estimating the seriousness of my problem, but i had control most of the time, it's the few times when one is not in control, that should be evaluated, the line everyone walks every day, is a very thin one, and it takes a very strong person in deed to win over the devil inside, especially for combat soldiers, and children from hardened backgrounds, then you have the total nutters to deal with many are also women, which make it even more difficult to understand.

Oh how i love psychology and the search for a meaning to life, the only meaning i could ever find was women and the urge to be the master and maker, on an equality basis of course!

That's were astrology is useful in understanding the opponents traits and making allowances to capture the moment, let them believe they are in charge for peace and quite.