dating - text only

[Bafana]

Sometimes it's easier to text someone when you are having trouble communicating with them - I do this in business and social circumstances when I don't really want to have that conversation now but need too put something out there before things get to bad. Have not used this approach that much in dating but it has happened especially when my partner at the time initiated the text exchange.

Worst part of text exchanges in a relationship is when there is an argument and one side hammers the other but will not pick up your call when you try to resolve the matter rather than let the texting warfare escalate.

From personal experience this can cause more anxiety and stress than a flat out free for all as you have no way of knowing the other person is listening to your position and they are not allowing you any level of respect. Suppose it is much easier not to have empathy with your opponent when you cannot see them or need to talk to them.

[julinico]

Yes, the tone of a sexual nature exists in my posts only but do not miss my main point of texting as opposed to calling or talking to each other. All this tension building and releasing is only what it entails, not the main concern itself.

I think about sexual tension a lot, cos that seems to be the theme of my relationship with him at this point. And I'm enjoying it. And I'm not trying to prove any point at all... more like seeing the benefits and actually continuing it cos of the benefits we feel. How it will develop from my current 2-week absence pattern remains to be seen of course.

Obviously, this discussion started off with text dating and it went straight to the topic about the effects of living together, married or not. With sex sex sex thrown in a bit here and there by me. And SMS has just brought this 'sideline dalliance' possibly after I mentioned swinging. I used to have sex with these 2 friends with benefits, for slightly less than a year, right before I met my date/lover/shag puppet. We were careful; protection always and regular testing and all that, it's not even an issue for us, but of course, there's no guarantee, but the point here is joy and fun with protected sex is not impossible.

But the focus here is on my current relationship with this one guy and our texting mode of communication. Like I said, it's become a theme for me and him and we will definitely continue it.

Of course, I can't guarantee anything and yes it's good to be aware of the fallow periods after marriages/cohabitation, like I said, the usual outcomes or concerns. But that seems to be made on the assumption that one will indeed get bored or tempted by outside forces eventually. So, the solution? Think absence makes the heart fonder, lah. Besides, we shouldn't focus so much on the 'occassional heat of passion' or 'ONS' or 'fleeting'. I mean... occassional? Haha. Those words definitely don't characterize my relationship with him.

We are dating each other not in long-distance, we don't see each other everyday (which to me is healthy) and instead of calling, we text. The more we don't see each other, the more we want each other... as simple as that. The thing is, other couples can have the same lifestyle except they call instead of texting. For us, it's A LOT of texting, in fact, you could say, JUST texting. Right before we meet and pounce on each other and... you know.

From personal experience this can cause more anxiety and stress than a flat out free for all as you have no way of knowing the other person is listening to your position and they are not allowing you any level of respect. Suppose it is much easier not to have empathy with your opponent when you cannot see them or need to talk to them.

Yeah, like Bafana said, sometimes especially when we discuss something we don't see eye to eye on via text or email, I do feel as if he might not understand if I was being sarcastic or serious. But so far, I find that's easily solved by adding emoticons and emotions in parenthesis, like (just joking) or (i'm being wry here, ok, big smile). So for us, it just seems to work so well. And I wonder if there are others who practically text instead of talk.

Married 7 years and we found out we didn't know each other all that well. It was pretty touch & go for about 6 months or so.

Looks like I was too quick to assume the worse when you said that. Sorry... Congrats on your anniversary!
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[Wind In My Hair]

You made a comment that your absence cycle is only two weeks. That's fine, but can you guarantee that it will always be thus? 2 year from now? 5 years from now? What happens when the job you love bases you in a foreign country for a year or two? WIMH can you shed some practical light on the pros & cons here?

Eh? How do I come into this? I've never had to be based in a foreign country, and by the time my Ex had to be based elsewhere, he was already an Ex.

Anyway, my sage advice is to take one day at a time. Neither may ever be posted elsewhere soon, or they may have found other partners by that time. We cannot let a distant potentiality dictate our actions today, right? I may as well decide not to marry because it may lead to divorce. Oh wait, that's exactly what I have ended up doing, ha ha. And you the opposite. All this is getting a tad confusing.

"Perhaps one reason why these marriages seem to be working is that people really have to appreciate each other to tolerate a commuter marriage - and yet the special feeling of being together, something easily lost in one-house marriages, is constantly renewed. In addition, they afford a degree of space and privacy that conventional marriages don't have - and that space may just be the pressure valve that gives these marriages an equal or better chance of success, in a world where divorce is the norm."

WIMH, the above quote, while a valid statement in of itself, doesn't state is how many of these commuter marriages were initially commuter marriages from the start (commuter dating turned into marriage). Maybe the book clarifies, but I haven't read it so don't know. Space, like sexual tension can be a double edged sword. I'd be interested in statistical data on the 'actual' success ratio of commuter marriages but that probably can't be found unless a long term study were done. Probably the only reason it appear to work is that those they see obviously are ongoing. What reason would there be to stay in that kind of relationship if it wasn't working. How many no longer exist. And, as there aren't any 'legal' documents to support commuter dating there cannot be any statistics either.

You're right that this refers to already married couples who thereafter choose to live apart for practical reasons. No data on commuter dating, though my hunch is that it's more common than we realise.

Here's what the book did say though, which addresses some of the points you raised about long-distance relationships in general:

"Is commuting dangerous for the marriage? According to the Center for the Study of Long Distance Relationships (LDRs), commuters are not any more likely than geographically close couples to break up. Nor, says Dr Gregory Guldner, director of the center, are commuting couples likely to be less satisfied in their relationships, or to cheat more. Says Dr Guldner, so long as couples find a way to share in each other's day-to-day events, find ways to talk about the big issues, and yes, "learn the art of long-distance sex", commuting couples have as solid a shot as anyone."

[Plavt]

Eh? How do I come into this? I've never had to be based in a foreign country, and by the time my Ex had to be based elsewhere, he was already an Ex.

WIMH This is what sms is referring to;

But for my case, it's not as long as SMS. I still have about in total 2 weeks in Singapore and 2 weeks overseas.

[sundaymorningstaple]

Plavt, you're wrong. I was referring to WIMH's ex but I had forgotten that he was already an ex 'before' the shift to another country. It was my error.

[Plavt]

Plavt, you're wrong. I was referring to WIMH's ex but I had forgotten that he was already an ex 'before' the shift to another country. It was my error.

Acknowledged, to tell the truth I was in such a hurry to do something else I didn't get to read the post here properly, still no damage done.

[Wind In My Hair]

Plavt, you're wrong. I was referring to WIMH's ex but I had forgotten that he was already an ex 'before' the shift to another country. It was my error.

No worries. I myself have trouble keeping track of them all.

[sundaymorningstaple]

No worries. I myself have trouble keeping track of them all.

My errors?

[irvine]

Texting just to build up sexual tension... and that's about all in the relationship?

Correct me if I'm wrong, but that seems to be the general idea I get from Jules' question.

IMO, I think it's perfectly fine to continue enjoy the benefits of texting if sex is all you want from the relationship. If you want more than just sex eventually, i.e. a companionship friendship lifelong kind of marriage relationship, real conversations and face-to-face togetherness (activities and talking other than sex) is very important.

It really depends on what you want out of the relationship. Communication after all, can be done via various channels. The more channels you use, the more perspectives you get.