How do I deal with my future mother-in-law?

[jitdp]

Hi All, I'd like to ask all housewife who stay or used to stay in mother-in-low’s house.

My background for your consideration:
I’m Thai and my b/f is Singaporean. He is 1st son from business family. I’m working under EP in IT field. I know my b/f whole family during past 2 CNY. I have a very good relationship with some of my b/f’s aunty but not his mom…

My question: - How to make mother-in-law satisfied and trust on daughter-in-law especially I’m Thai girl but not Thai bar girl.
- Since I am an office staff, I have not much time to help mother-in-low to do housework while she already retired and leave business to her husband and son to manage so she always free during weekday. What should I help her on housework in order have good relationship with her.
- Any culture that I need to know in order to avoid the problems of mother-in-law and daughter-in-law.

[batgirl_cdn]

Just be yourself and be kind to her. Over time she will see how great you are and she will see how happy you make her son. If she is cranky and never satisfied with what you and her son do to help her, then there isn't much you can do about that. Some older people get pretty miserable in old age, which is sad.

[durain]

are you staying in the same roof with the future mother in law?

your boyfriend really need to help out too as there will be fiction between you and the mother in law. he will always be in the middle, trying to please you and his mum.

[jitdp]

Currently I rent a room from boyfriend's aunty's house that's why I close to his aunty.

Right now i have a solution on this matter. Since I just got good news that my PR approved so we plan to buy our own house.

Thanks batgirl_cdn and durain for your comment.

[taxico]

(i'm not a housewife, but my wife's asian parents are crazy to get along with, and my parents weren't a piece of cake either)

do you share any common languages with your MIL? (english/mandarin/dialects)

i don't think you should purposely go out of your way to make her like you. you're not a house help, and you shouldn't have to do too much house work.

my old man told me; you're not getting married to a woman your mom likes, you're marrying a woman YOU like. don't care what your mom thinks and just do what YOU think.

mother-in-laws are real fussy. but buying her some of her favorite fruits, snacks or food items when you visit may help, and if you want to help, help her out during festive periods (eg, lunar new year eve dinner's gonna be a busy day).

it helps if your husband doesn't get too stressed out, coz moms can tell and they invariably blame the wife for not doing enough to take care of him.

there's added stress of being married to the eldest male, and do you know if your in laws want babies? it will help if you get along with your husband's sisters/siblings too. : )

what about pocket money? are you two giving her enough spending money?

it's not common for wives to be pally with their in-laws, so don't sweat it too much. as long as you and your husband get along fine, that's the most important!

[taxico]

oh wait. i just realized you're not married yet.

do the fruits/snack/food items.

help out during festive periods.

keep your bf happy. moms can tell.

get along with his siblings and aunts (keep it up).

i don't think your bf helps out with housework too much, and unless his mom's doing everything AND you're free, i wouldn't help too much.

old housewives have a way of running their household and you may ruin her system and get blamed behind your back.

don't get involved with family disputes, and if you do, don't take sides. if it's a traditional chinese family, you may have to yield to certain chores and responsibilities your bf has.

[jitdp]

Thanks taxico.
Seems like life is not easy at all...

I completely forget about pocket money part. How much I suppose to give his parent? Normally I give money to my mother by leave money in the bank and give her ATM card so that she can withdraw anytime she wants. Should I do like that with my future husband's mother?

[summerluv]

Why do you have to help her with housework? She is retired, shouldn't she have more time to do housework herself or is she handicapped? (That is a serious question by the way). In which case she should be getting professional assistance and hire someone who can take care of her!

You should be more concerned about pleasing your boyfriend and yourself, God did not put you on this earth to please your husband-to-be's mother. If she has made you feel that way then that is ridiculous, but if this is something you're just worried about then I suggest to just let it go because she will not like you for helping her, she will like "YOU HELPING HER'', which is completely different. You can't make someone like you by doing what you think they will like, not like that, anytime you go out of your way to do something that you don't even want to do then it's not sincere.

And second, why do you have to give his mother pocket money or unlimited bank access? I'm not sure if I read it right, but you said to give his mother unlimited access to your accounts. You are not even married yet, don't you have to worry about getting your own house first? Saving up for future plans? Kids? if you are not married and you want to give your own mother money then that's on you, and if he wants to give his mom money then he can do that because it's 'his' money. But you are not responsible for 'his mother' like he's not responsible for yours. When you get married you can discuss the details and come up with a solution for how much money goes out of the account to both your parents if that's what the plan is going to be, if not then focus on your own needs first.

I think it's good to give both of your parents some money when they need it or from time to time out of generosity and love, but to make it a 'must' isn't realistic unless you are RICH and can afford to do that.Besides, doesn't her husband and son have a business that supports her well already?

It does not sound to me like you are ready for marriage as you seem to have things to figure out and come to terms with. You should re-evaluate and figure out where you want to be and where your place, and where your mother-in-law will fit in the picture.

[taxico]

You should be more concerned about pleasing your boyfriend and yourself

You can't make someone like you by doing what you think they will like, not like that, anytime you go out of your way to do something that you don't even want to do then it's not sincere.

I'm not sure if I read it right, but you said to give his mother unlimited access to your accounts.

as above, i don't think u should give your bf's mother any access to any of your accounts nor do you need to give her pocket money UNTIL you're married, and this is usually a "joint" amount (with the future husband).

as to how much; you'll have to work it out with your future husband. for now, just take it easy and keep the bf happy.

the food, snacks, fruits and being friendly with his family will help, but is not the most important part of your relationship.

don't worry too much right now and just enjoy being in love! you'll have plenty of time after marriage.

[SGgal]

Hi All, I'd like to ask all housewife who stay or used to stay in mother-in-low’s house.

My background for your consideration:
I’m Thai and my b/f is Singaporean. He is 1st son from business family. I’m working under EP in IT field. I know my b/f whole family during past 2 CNY. I have a very good relationship with some of my b/f’s aunty but not his mom…

My question: - How to make mother-in-law satisfied and trust on daughter-in-law especially I’m Thai girl but not Thai bar girl.
- Since I am an office staff, I have not much time to help mother-in-low to do housework while she already retired and leave business to her husband and son to manage so she always free during weekday. What should I help her on housework in order have good relationship with her.
- Any culture that I need to know in order to avoid the problems of mother-in-law and daughter-in-law.

Hi,
Does your bf comes from a very traditional Chinese family? Daughter-in-laws of very traditional Chinese families are expected to help out around to house, and usually they prefer that you do it their way. If you are not staying with your MIL, I guess the problem is not too big. Just try to help out with the cooking and dishes when you visits.

As for pocket money, you don't have to give her any, even if you and bf are married. Usually, contributions are given as a family rather than husband and wife giving separately.