Dead End

[pongtch]

I don't know if it would sound weird to write here but I'm kind of lost. My husband & I had been married for 2 years plus and we already stop having sex. He is doing his part-time degree course and is working in a very taxing enviornment. I know that these make him very tired and stress up.
Not just love making, even when I talk a little bit > is means nagging to him and he would start shouting at me. When I ask him out, he would chase me home to play online game. In fact, the time he spends on online game is much more than talking to me. If I stop him or so, he would not be happy and would even quarrel with me.
I really feel that I got myself into an dead end relationship. Sometimes, I even have the thought of leaving him but I am too soft-hearted.
Can someone advice me what to do?

[road.not.taken]

Get yourselves in couples counseling as soon as possible. This problem is too big for you to tackle on your own. If he's addicted to gaming you need professional help. Try a community center, your church, or a recommendation from a Doctor. Don't put it off, make an appointment and go. Good luck to you.

[magm100]

Hi Pong,

I am married with a wife and a beautiful 2 year old. For about a year or so i spent a lot of time playing online games. Some days i spent as much as 5 hours behind the computer.

For me it was an escape, I had many personal problems which I could not share with my wife as i didn’t want to burden her unnecessarily. However, and I think could be the case with your hubby too, I never stopped loving my wife. Even during those long hours of game play.

So i suggest you talk to him, and make sure he knows the strain his life style is having on you. Ask him if he has any problems or issues that he is going through...Etc.

I hope it gets better and good luck. Don’t give up just yet, it is just a phase.

[Wind In My Hair]

Hey Pong,

Sorry to hear this is happening. Counselling is a good idea, just that in my experience guys seldom seem to think they need counselling and you may have difficulty convincing him to go. You could still go yourself as some help is better than no help. I recommend the Family Life Society - they are professional yet compassionate and very affordable compared to other professional counsellors as they do it as a ministry of service.

I've been mildly addicted to gaming and understand how that is something your husband prefers doing above spending time with you, as hurtful as that may be to you. Maybe it's a form of escape as Mag pointed out, or maybe that's the only area of his life he feels he has some degree of control. Whatever it is, don't take it personally as that will only make you resentful and demanding and drive him even further from you during this seemingly stressful period in his life.

Just keep your own sanity instead of letting your life revolve around his gaming too. Be there for him but don't keep nagging him. I'm not male but I have some male tendencies and I can tell you that if a person hates being nagged at, then nagging is a sure way to ensure that he keeps on doing the thing you're nagging him not to do. Some kind of rebellious instinct - not sure how to explain.

As long as his actions are not harmful to your health or safety, try to be patient and see if this phase passes. Just be thankful that he's home at the computer rather than out gambling, drinking or womanising with you alone at home tearing your hair out wondering where he is and what he's up to. At least this way you're still in the loop. Hope that is some consolation.

[QRM]

I been banned from playing games!! Find out what hes playing and see if you can beat him?

[road.not.taken]

It's important to understand that according to the experts there is no such thing as a mild addiction. Pongtch, take this quiz:

Has he ever promised he will spend less time gaming, only to not follow through?

Does he get mad when you ask about how much time he spends on the computer?

Has his gaming caused problems at home?

Has gaming replaced any of his primary relationships?

Does he lie about how much time he spends gaming?

Does he often lose sleep in order to play?

Will he travel without a computer?

Does his job suffer as a result of the time he spends on-line?

Does he value on-line friends over real friends?

If you answer yes to 3 of these, then he has an addiction. He needs help and you need help. Ask him to go with you, if he refuses then get some help for yourself. You deserve to be happy and may have to work extra hard at taking care of yourself.

[QRM]

Its all starting to get like the States, the moment you decide you want to wear blue socks instead of the usual black ones, someone suggest you need to go to a shrink. Its funny when we relocated to an American employer the first document they sent us was the company shrink details.

Maybe you are not giving him his space at home, and he is resorting to games to get a breather.

Everyone needs a bit of "leakage" like WIMH says of all things, he being at home playing games probably makes him your ideal husband, you can go off and do your own thing, spa, golf, baking bread, without worrying he is down at Orchard towers or at some illegal gambling den loosing all your family cash.

Gaming is very addictive thats the whole point of it, you can get totally engrossed in it, bit like a good book or movie, so its a bit annoying getting nagged half way through.

The more you nag the more covert or irritated he will become, wife was so fed up (we had the PlayStation in the bedroom!) She bought me a really nice pair of wireless Dolby surround headphones so she can sleep

Leave him to it for a while, hopefully he will get over it, statistically when you hit 40 you tend to start loosing interest in games. Take it as an opportunity to do your own thing, go out with some of your girlie chums

[road.not.taken]

QRM, I don't think what color socks you wear is really an appropriate analogy, do you? I know you're trying to make a point but from the little we know, this guy sounds like he might be in over his head. Again there is no such thing as a mild addiction. Sounds to me like the gaming slice of their pie chart is too big. The time spent disengaged from his spouse is a symptom, not the problem itself.

[sundaymorningstaple]

I'd be curious to know how old the both of them are. If the guy is working in a stressful environment AND also doing a degree part time then the guy is probably suffering from overload and is using the games as an escape from reality. Whether or not it an addiction or escape from his current overload is a question. I spend more time on the computer than I do with my wife as well. Although I never play games (well other than those on this site that is). But in my case my wife has her own necessity to escape to her comfort bringing environment (grand neices and nephews) and church. We find that we still enjoy time with each other but we also know that we are two different people with different techniques of relaxation.

The OP may well be too demanding or the guy may well be addicted (although at close reading I'm still not quite sure). Slight addiction? Interesting turn of phrase I would have to agree. Slightly pregnant? How about having a predilection towards online gaming? Better sounding until it becomes an addiction.

I will agree though, they need to seek counseling as soon as possible to rule out any addiction as such.

[QRM]

RNT you make it sound like its wrong to be addicted something, some would use the word "passionate" rather than slightly addicted.

All the Olympic athletes are in many ways a totally addicted to their sports, but theres no need to seek counseling.

Who know the guy might be the next singapore gamer of the year. Apparently it pays good money these days.

Funny how when a guy goes off in his own world, just daydreaming or thinking of nothing really ( guys are good at that) they will inevitably get the dreaded question, "Don't you love me anymore?"

All I am saying so long as he is not sitting there with pee dribbling down his legs, she should cut him some slack.

[road.not.taken]

RNT you make it sound like its wrong to be addicted something, some would use the word "passionate" rather than slightly addicted.

Yes QRM addiction is wrong, defined as "the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming." Some might use the word 'passionate' and 'addiction' interchangeably but they too would be wrong, these words are not synonyms.

[QRM]

RNT

While your "slight" addiction to dissecting the English language make for interesting and thought provoking reading, it still does not get away from the fact that I think the OP should give the guy some slack.

We only hear things from one side, who knows she might be one of those painful weepy insecure women, with white 100% cotton granma pants, that needs constant attention.

Next time hes on the game she should just peck him on the head and say have fun, I will be back later going to play golf, badminton, swimming, shopping, climb Everest etc. see how he reacts.

[road.not.taken]

Well QRM, I don't think it really is just a matter of semantics. If the guy truly is addicted -- then without some help they're doomed. There can not be a couple when one partner is addicted to _________________(doesn't matter could be pills/booze/gambling/gaming/sex/food/shopping). The only couple in a situation like that is the addicted person, and the object of their addiction. The spouse of an addict is either in the picture as enabler or as support to end the addiction. If -- as you say -- it's more of a passion, then that is another story all together. Nothing wrong with being passionate, blowing off steam, chilling out, enjoying well-deserved down time -- nothing at all. I hope for her sake he's not an addict, because overcoming that will be close to impossible. If she looks at the questions, and answers them honestly, she'll know what the next step should be.

In a forum such as this, when we only have the written word and a few emoticons to help set the tone, I prefer to be careful with my words. Not an addiction, not even a passion.

[Wind In My Hair]

I just re-read the OP and she does not mention addiction at all. She just mentions that he games more than he talks to her, and it doesn't sound like they talk very much at the moment anyway. It does sound like he has a stressful job on top of which he is taking a degree. Enough to throw any normal sane person off balance, without having to blame an addiction. So the preliminary online diagnosis that addiction is the problem is a mildly bad assumption. Oh, sorry I forget we admit no shades of grey here, which means it's just a bad assumption.

We have no idea if the gaming is causing the marital rift, or the marital rift driving one party to gaming. We don't even know if there is a marital rift. We women are forever reading too much into men's words and actions. If he's not whispering sweet nothings or wrapping his arms around us or wanting to spend all his spare time with us, we assume he doesn't love us. We forget that men have big life stuff that they have to deal with. We also forget that men like their toys and have every right to goof off and relax when they want to. Sometimes the best we can do is give them space.

Pong, I hope you take this the right way but it is a possibility that there's nothing wrong with your husband and that you may be expecting too much of him at this stressful point in his life when he needs your support most. I know it's easy for me to say, but focus on what you can do instead of trying to change him. Of course it's also possible that he's addicted. And it's also possible that after two years of marriage he needs some personal space for a while.

You are the only one here who knows him and in your heart you probably know the truth of what's happening. Get opinions here if you want, or vent if it makes you feel better. But don't latch on to the answer that appeals to you just because it lets you off the hook and makes the other person the problem. Usually the answer that we want to hear is not the truthful answer.

[road.not.taken]

So the preliminary online diagnosis that addiction is the problem is a mildly bad assumption. Oh, sorry I forget we admit no shades of grey here, which means it's just a bad assumption.

No diagnosis, no assumption, just bringing it up as a possibility because the consequences are so dire. Let's hope it's nothing and it'll all blow over.