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by road.not.taken » Sat, 13 Sep 2008 9:55 am
wilsojer -
This is unvarnished, and just my opinion -- totally disregard it if you want, but you seem like a nice guy, so here it is:
How can you put a dollar amount on breaking up your young family? On missing out on their joys and successes? On being their shoulder to cry on? I have seen plenty of 'career expats' do what you are proposing. Family stays here, he goes off to Taipei or Korea for 18 months. But the locations aren't great for kids, assignments are short and so are the plane rides. What you're proposing is not right, and you asked so I'll tell you why:
It's too far (if you can't get home on the weekends, forget it)
You don't mention how long your posting in Singapore will be, but the original contract and the actual time spent almost never match up, there's no offer on the table yet -- it's just too open-ended
There is a reason companies send families (it is much more expensive but statistically the working spouse is much happier and much more productive, the situation more stable). It sounds like a potentially bad decision on the part of your company.
Your children are too young not to have their Dad around, they are at ages when they are growing like weeds and developmentally they are changing by leaps and bounds, you really want to miss that? School plays, math tests, dance recitals, bed time stories? Once it's over you know, you never get it back.
When you go, you are essentially making your wife a 'single parent'. You can talk on the phone and e-mail all you want -- but that's the reality. She'll take over a lot of your responsibilities at home and make them her own -- what do you think will happen when you come home and she's been running the show on her own for the last 4 months? In lots of ways you'll be a stranger in your own home. Consider the strain and the resentment and the alienation when she is forced to make decisions without you over and over again.
You're understandably worried about your own social adjustment, have you worried about their's?
Having and maintaining 2 households will be more expensive than you think.
Why would you want to experience the adventure of a lifetime that doesn't include your family? I'm not sure they're going to enjoy your photos from the golf holiday in Phuket while your wife was home taking care of kids with the barf bug.
You are in the 'golden age' of family time now when they are no longer babies and in school and crave parent time. Soon enough, your 7 year old will be in that awful pre-teen age when things can get very rough, very fast. What happens right now lays the ground work for the teen years.
You are asking all the right questions, and remember -- this is just my opinion. Whatever you do, try to think it through and don't let your company railroad you into making a decision in 24 hours, or something ridiculous like that. Sit down with your wife and talk, and talk some more. I know you know this: but this is a BIG decision. Good luck whatever you decide.