Keeping in touch with the Ex

[Wind In My Hair]

Is this a good or bad idea?

My ex, and most men I've spoken to, want to keep the friendship. I, and many girlfriends I know, would gladly sever all contact forever. It's just neater that way - no risk of old feelings re-surfacing, no explaining to and re-assuring the current beau, no occasional reminders of past bad experiences... Obviously I'm talking about a situation with no children involved.

Yet part of me wants to do the 'mature' thing, to move on with our separate lives yet maintain civil contact and potentially one day all have dinner at the same table like one big happy human family, with goodwill all around.

So how many of you are in the 'My ex and I are the best of friends now' camp, and how many in the 'Never is too soon to see him/her again' camp?

[drusilla]

So how many of you are in the 'My ex and I are the best of friends now' camp,

we're not "best of friends", but friends.

[familyof5]

i haven't really had a nasty breakup. i think my exes are great guys and i wish them well.....as i'm sure they do me. if we bumped into eachother we'd probably be genuinely happy to see eachother/catch up. but as for regular contact? nope.

break-ups can be civil, but they are rarely mutual. one party will often still have feelings for t'other. nope. too messy. potentially. bad idea.

[QRM]

Depend on how the Ex became the Ex.

There is a reason why they are an Ex. and it will surface again, 9 out of 10 times it will end in tears.

There are plenty of fish in the ocean, to be worrying about an Ex.

[green_field]

Yet part of me wants to do the 'mature' thing, to move on with our separate lives yet maintain civil contact and potentially one day all have dinner at the same table like one big happy human family, with goodwill all around.

So how many of you are in the 'My ex and I are the best of friends now' camp, and how many in the 'Never is too soon to see him/her again' camp?

I think it is difficult to be friend again. Tried and proved it did not work. From my experience, either gf or nothing at all. How cruel.

[micknlea]

Agree with QRM, so much depends on how the relationship ended.
If it was just a growing away from each other and both realising that it wasn't what it should have been then I think it can work.

I have friends who are have done this and they have been apart but friends for over ten years now. It is not however the norm, and they are both very extraordinary people. What they did have trouble with was their next/current partners coming to terms with it all and it took a lot of reassuring etc from both sides.

I might add it also took a lot of getting used to for us friends who had to start thinking of them as not a couple any more etc etc. After a while it was all OK and seems to be working just fine.

[Forks]

Many variables but depends on how things went, some can but more seem to not to. from experience it can be done

[ksl]

i haven't really had a nasty breakup. i think my exes are great guys and i wish them well.....as i'm sure they do me. if we bumped into eachother we'd probably be genuinely happy to see eachother/catch up. but as for regular contact? nope.

break-ups can be civil, but they are rarely mutual. one party will often still have feelings for t'other. nope. too messy. potentially. bad idea.

Relationship breakups are hardly civil, Sex partners are something else, and can very often break off, in a human and friendly manner, but having sex because you like someone isn't the same as loving them, hence why you appear to be so confident of your feelings...women always enjoy being the dominant force with weak partners, and would crumble in tears, with a partner stronger than themselves, the mind works in mysterious way's, but one thing is for sure, "control" is an important factor for women, and sex is an important factor for men.

So I would bet, that most males, will sacrifice control for sex any day of the week providing it's worth it, if it isn't worth it, then the relationship is on face value only and a substitute female will come into play eventually. Anyone that thinks differently must have their head in the sand in my opinion.

I most certainly don't call my sexual encounters, with married woman, or even divorced women with children as relationships, but good friends yes, after all we all have needs, that need satisfying, and even friends to baby sit while the friends have a life too....So it's really not so strange, that some people can get along together has sexual partners, and are hot in bed, but don't meet the expectations in a role model hubby or wify..

In general any relationship break up hurt's at least one partner, the one that is still in love..... I recall a daughter asking me, why I couldn't let her mother go, when in fact it was the other way around, I had already moved out into my own apartment, yet her mum, always kept coming around at the weekend, because she knew I found it difficult to resist her..
She would often stay the night...I could never really understand this woman, after 5 years, in the end I decided that the fish swimming in two directions, is the problem!

Love and let go is always the best, not easy, but if they make the first inclination of a beak up, then I open the door, or would be the first to make a decision, plenty more fish in the sea, and I have sailed these waters often. Inherent weaknesses need working on Although some people are just sick emotionally. and will never change, that's life in a nutshell.

A word of warning to all, that have never tied the knot... An ex after marriage nine times out of ten, will remain a thorn, for the rest of your life, especially if children are involved, and you don't even have to see them, the problems arise all by themselves, and yes one can ignore them, but my point is, you can never get rid of them until they have finally passed away, why because they are only concerned with their own lives, which normally includes, their first love, not their second, third or even forth hubby, unless they have more money than you have, and even then you will hear from them, because money matters, and if the tight buggar, isn't giving her enough, she will need to complain to someone, that someone is almost always the first hubby. Women

It is not however the norm, and they are both very extraordinary people. What they did have trouble with was their next/current partners coming to terms with it all and it took a lot of reassuring etc from both sides.

Tell me about it, my mate who married one of my flings, not a relationship really, just a sexual partner, who i became infatuated with, when she was 23, but married, anyway we had an affair, and i signed the divorce papers, has the guilty partner involved.

Although I was well aware that i would never even move in with this beauty, never mind marry her, because I knew she would do the same to me...Anyway my mate married her, after i warned him to stay well away, I knew he couldn't handle her, she could be very manipulative, but he didn't care...being a small town, everyone believed I was still having an affair with her, because she did love me, and couldn't have me.

It was really a difficult period of my life, because every time I was visiting them, we would party and her husband was told to drive me home, it was very embarrassing and difficult, but life got easy for me, and more difficult for my mate..

If they went out in Town, they would end up splitting up, because she was kind of anti social, with a strong independance to do what she wanted, and turn up at my apartment which was in the town...he would come looking and she would be fast asleep at my place.

The long hard truth was, that we was just good friends, she confided in me, and so did he, but I couldn't help feeling sorry for him, becasue he really was hen pecked, he obviously enjoyed it, for the 12 years they remained together, and even after the divorce, she wouldn't let go. he married again, and she was on the telephone every day, to ask him to run errands or come over and help her. It only stopped when she found a new.

Although he tells me she still rings after he's been married 2 years now, but he just ignores her. She tells me she's happy he found someone, but very sad, that she cheated on him, but he never gave her any resistance in the marriage, just wanted to please her all the time, she called him a wimp, which I thought was a little offensive, when she does have such a strong personality and needs putting in her place.

I guess we take on relationships, for many different reasons in general, and call it love. But where and with who are the faults at the end of the day its all about tolerence as well as caring and yes, I would call love caring about the happiness of the partner, rather than being self indulgent, although I feel it's not been easy, to reduce my own ego.

After marriage no ex's for me...Although sexual partners I am still on good terms with many, but don't have constant contact, but would meet up at parties and such. although a Town of 40.000 is a very small place, one can hardly avoid eachother!

[Wind In My Hair]

Thanks for all your replies. I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one who thinks it wise to put some distance between the ex and me. For a while I was starting to think I was being horribly unfriendly.

What is it with men anyway? (Ok here's a bit of a rant coming on.) When we're together they take the "I'm not sure this will work out" line. When we finally come to our senses, after oceans of tears, and agree that it won't, we have the good sense to walk away. Then they suddenly come running back with the sweet nothings, the "can we talk?"s and all that jazz.

Hunter instinct in overdrive? It's fun to chase what you don't have? When you've caught the fish, throw it back in the water? What do they call it in fishing - 'catch and release' I think. Darn stupid game.

[ksl]

Thanks for all your replies. I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one who thinks it wise to put some distance between the ex and me. For a while I was starting to think I was being horribly unfriendly.

What is it with men anyway? (Ok here's a bit of a rant coming on.) When we're together they take the "I'm not sure this will work out" line. When we finally come to our senses, after oceans of tears, and agree that it won't, we have the good sense to walk away. Then they suddenly come running back with the sweet nothings, the "can we talk?"s and all that jazz.

Hunter instinct in overdrive? It's fun to chase what you don't have? When you've caught the fish, throw it back in the water? What do they call it in fishing - 'catch and release' I think. Darn stupid game.

Hunter instinct in overdrive? It's fun to chase what you don't have? When you've caught the fish, throw it back in the water? What do they call it in fishing - 'catch and release' I think. Darn stupid game.

Hunters are ego trippers, on the verge of being psychopathic in many cases, they will spin tales of grandeur or anything to impress, the main function is to score sex, to boost their silly egos.

They will lie and cheat all they can, so that they always have a bed to sleep in, many extrovert disc jockeys come into this category and end up competing between themselves, keeping score of how many encounters they have and compare notes. Darn stupid game, isn't the problem, it's mainly a personality disorder. and groupies also suffer the same problem, they cannot see straight, but get off on collecting guy's that stand out in the crowd.

It's kind of like a hang up, never really understood it, because I cannot identify myself of ever being addicted to anything like pop music, groups or fashion. You have to be careful out there, and at least get something out of the encounters which are positive, even if it's just a better understanding.

[phil30k]

Hello Wimh,
People are born with a program inside their head. To understand and be able to get what they need from their environment. This manifests itself in breakups in a special way.

If you are the person who learned something about yourself from the breakup and why it wasn't giving you what you needed, you usually walk away from the relationship quite easily. On the other hand, if you still expected that you had something to continue gaining from the relationship when it ended, you will cling to it.
The secret is not about letting go, it's about self discovery. Not so much about what mistakes you made but understanding what both parties needs were and why the two of you did not form a unit that satisfied both parties needs. Take this knowledge with you into your next relationship.

It's fine to stay friends as long as you do so to gain an understanding but it's pretty destructive if you do so hoping you'll both get together again.

[Vaucluse]

Drop the connection . . . especially if you are in a relationship. No-one feels comfortable knowing that the guy sitting opposite has bonked your girlfriend/lover/wife on this couch, her car or generally done the nasty everywhere you look, etc . . .


Honestly, when it is over it is over . . . unless it is not really over in your heart.

[road.not.taken]

Drop the connection . . . especially if you are in a relationship. No-one feels comfortable knowing that the guy sitting opposite has bonked your girlfriend/lover/wife on this couch, her car or generally done the nasty everywhere you look, etc . . .


Honestly, when it is over it is over . . . unless it is not really over in your heart.

Just sent my high school boyfriend birthday greetings. We broke up... let's see... 25 years ago. It just depends on the situation. It's so over, but we have remained buddies. My husband says: just think if you had married him you'd be living in a split level in ____________ (can't say the town, that would be mean). And I reply, no I wouldn't, I'd be right here -- I have no idea where you would be. Men can be so simple.

[Vaucluse]

You may be the exception, but possibly your hubby's response shows a bit of discomfort with the situation? Of course I don't know him so I am probably totally wrong.

Mrs 'Cluse had planned to invite her ex-fiance to our wedding . . . she decided against it and only told me after we were married . . . the reason being that she put herself in the reverse situation and would not have felt comfortable.

To each their own . . . but I'd like some more, please!

[hibri2]

well, as much as i can i like to keep all my ex's near to me.

at least part of them, a finger, an ear or if possible some internal organs...

otherwise, we cant generalize one answer for all situations people!... this type of questions as well as "do you prefer short or long hair styles" are so much "case by case" situations that are sort of pointless.

i will also add, that expecting empathy or advise in an pool of anonymous strangers is creepy to say the least.