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Postby DimWit Kid » Fri, 18 Jul 2008 3:53 pm

familyof5 wrote:
Forks wrote:, and its companionship i want not marriage per se but companionship with the person who makes me walk on air and I get excited about seeing. When that feeling is gone you either have to get it back or get out, neither is easy but...


that's a big call though. and a lot of pressure! who has that feeling after 8 years and 3 children? not me. I admit, sometimes i do get excited when he walks in the door. But usually its because the kids make a beeline for him and i can get some peace.


I think, as a rule, once you pass 5 years of marriage, you need get the excitement from somebody other than your spouse. The trick is how to get to enjoy that yet not leaving your spouse and kids coz that's so uncool!

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Postby green_field » Fri, 18 Jul 2008 5:18 pm

Forks wrote:
Im a romantic at heart but divorced also so i know what its like to single married and then single again, and its companionship i want not marriage per se but companionship with the person who makes me walk on air and I get excited about seeing. When that feeling is gone you either have to get it back or get out, neither is easy but...


This might be the problem. How long exactly will it last in a relationship?? if I don't remember wrongly, according to some study/survey, maximum 2 years.

Anyway, agree with you on the companionship part. It is miserable to feel lonely when you are in a relationship or worse, marriage. Or we are all expecting too much.

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Postby ozchick » Fri, 18 Jul 2008 5:54 pm

Mm...have read all of these replies and it's nice to see that romance is still alive and kicking ! In some ways (especially bed-space), I miss my single life, but my rooster is too good to pass up I'm afraid. He's romantic and cultured, but physically strong and determined, understands me and despite a few issues related to my many years as a single, enjoys the challenges that come our way. He can't tolerate stupid women, is blessed to have 'finally found someone' who keeps him calm, and we have so much in common that we are both positive that the future is bright with us. We're both past the the 'having a family' thing and can focus on ourselves now, which sits very nicely with the 'long-term single' in me. I'm happy to dress up for him, even the cleavage and heels are a change that I would never have bothered with earlier. Mm...apparently I'm a real woman- whatever that is ! :wink:
Yep, reckon I'm hooked. He's hooked too. Maybe it's my Aussie accent that he just couldn't bear to be without ! :wink:
Mm...and next time he says stuff like "you're really missing your single life aren't you?" I'm gonna say, "Well Mr Superior Scandinavian-brain", find a solution to the problem". Oh yeah......another challenge.......... :)
'Are you trying to tempt me because I come from the land of plenty?'

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Postby Forks » Fri, 18 Jul 2008 6:34 pm

green_field wrote:
Forks wrote:
Im a romantic at heart but divorced also so i know what its like to single married and then single again, and its companionship i want not marriage per se but companionship with the person who makes me walk on air and I get excited about seeing. When that feeling is gone you either have to get it back or get out, neither is easy but...


This might be the problem. How long exactly will it last in a relationship?? if I don't remember wrongly, according to some study/survey, maximum 2 years.

Anyway, agree with you on the companionship part. It is miserable to feel lonely when you are in a relationship or worse, marriage. Or we are all expecting too much.


My marriage lasted 15 years and while it definitely had its ups and downs it was only in the last year that it went sour and I stopped being the person I was to my ex who she had met all that time before and vice versa.

I have seen love last forever and love last 5 weeks or even 5 days, and I have seen more often than that people get married for all the wrong reasons. We teach people so much in school and university but we leave education about love/sex/romance/ relationships up to movies, pop songs, our friends and people trying to sell you something. Ok I dont think we can have Love 101 in school but more discussion about relationships and how serious marriage, pregnancy and kids and the fact that you cant take it back, or go back in time and change it so you'd better have a good idea of what your getting into helps.

More now than ever I know that it takes two to tango and two to make it work and if there is only one trying or both are trying but in different ways it makes things hard if not impossible. Family too can help and kids are tough work so its good for mum and dad to get some me time by having someone step in and take over from time to time.

But since we are often governed by our hormones, both men and women there is this totally random/rouge factor that will derail you often when you least need it and you get caught in bed with another person by your wife/husband and for what; a pair of nice breasts or a toned six pack.

Id like to spend the rest of my life with someone (and i might have found her) but nothing is set in stone so I dont regret my past relationships (good or bad) I just try to enjoy who they are and keep in mind the original reasosn why i liked them (be they physical, intellectual, both or something else as they do help determine what you and they are getting into). Trying to turn a one night stand or fling into a lifetime of commitment might not work but then they are fun if thats what both want, but if you want a wife/husband for your kids and all that jazz then you need to find someone who has the same plan or else its game over.

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Postby ksl » Sat, 19 Jul 2008 1:40 am

Congratulations Ozchick! Hope it works out for you, I'm sure he's a great guy, most of them are from Scandinavia, and I believe the men try harder than the women,in most cases. Just that feeling i get after 23 years in a wonderful place, and I hope I return one day.

Thank you all for some good reading! Although I was determined never to trust women again in marriage after my divorce, I could never live without them, being a young English guy in Scandinavia did have it's advantages, to meet the opposite sex, and actually get a first hand introduction into liberation, freedom, and inner growth.

The learning process to get over relationships is a difficult one, if in love, so the only way for me, was to get the experience of more love, and yes i loved them all, but not for the sexual experience, but for the help and understanding to manage feelings and spiritual growth, learning to love and let go...

So priority wasn't relationships anyway for me, but the more women I became acquainted with, was a very big help, in many ways than one, hence the growth relationship, with respect for each others privacy, and freedom to just live life.

It was great sharing holidays and being invited to all the parties, and not feeling any jealousy, but caring for others privacy and just having fun.

Love is certainly an illusion in my eyes, becuase i loved so many at one time, and this is one reason why I decided on finding a woman to marry, through the internet in a foreign land with different ethics and culture than my own.

Quite like an arranged marriage, but with understanding of what is required for the sustainability of a marriage, I had no wish to get married, if there was no real commitment to save a marriage, also because of kids, that are normally involved. So I guess it was more like a business partnership, than anything else, and once we agreed that was it.

Our main points.
1. Our own space and privacy, when needed
2. Respect & consideration
3. Keep our own friends be it male or female
4. Everything is 50/50 (unfortunately it's more 60 / 40 but I can live with that.)
5. Holidays alone if the other cannot make it.
6. Trust
7. The importance of daughter, and parents (mine passed on)
8. Try the goods before marriage is a must, otherwise it's a pointless future. (With one or the other being unfaithful if not compatible)
9. I being the male don't have to be financially taken for a ride, or expected to look after her financially. (Once bitten twice shy)

Some pretty stiff words from myself, but hey, I had been paying for 10 years after my first divorce, it wasn't going to happen again.

Once all that was sorted out, and we agreed, we still didn't love each other, but was enjoying each others company very much, I guess we was sure we could make it work after a month of being together so we decided to get married.

I guess love just blossomed over the 8 years now...And we are still committed to the business relationship of making it all work, although our education and occupations are also the same, and we are both the same star sign too. Although I have relented on the financial side now, and everything I have will go tomy wife and daughter...all I need is a suitcase and my freedom to explore when i need to.

One gets a feeling that being taken for granted does occur, and I am the first to point it out, I can never be changed if i don't want to change, although i can be considerate, so don't even think about trying to change me.
The more someone tells me not to do it, the more i will do it, that's me, would be my reply, of course we give and take, but the sarcasm is also a reminder of an agreement, which can also be mentioned in fun, it keeps us alive and reminds us both to be considerate and trusting with no questions asked, well only in a fun way!

I'm quite happy i decided to remarry and I have no regrets, only worries, that our child grows up and is mature enough to not follow any bad influences and that we have done enough to guard her against the evil, that is out there.

It's so sad to read of others misfortune and it pains me, to see kids lose their parents to divorce, hence my strong belief in marriage is for life, even if one doesn't feel the love, one does have a responsibility to understand, that we all go through hormone changes with age, and nothing can be done about it, if one loses their libido, and it happens more with women, than men, which is only a natural progression of life.

This is where most problems start, because sex is also fundamental to the relationship, and this changes quite rapidly after 3 to 5 years of marriage and again when going through the change of life.

So our perception of love and marriage is a very complicated task, for some, that don't understand committment, yet they take the vows of marriage. I found self realisation to be very worth while for myself, and now feel in harmony with all people, which I never had before, I do love all women, and that is also an illusion too, which i enjoy.

I'm very grateful for the experiences of other cultures and appreaciate them very much too and even though I had been approached for marriage by other cultures than my own in the past, I was quite honoured that the people from this culture found me worthy enough to ask.

It is not for me to judge, but to learn from others if it can enhances my life on this earth, this is one reason why I make an effort to mix with all races and have high respect for their cultures.

I'm sure Ozchick will learn a great deal from her Scandinavian companion, and be happy with the inner knowledge he passes on, my own impression is also that Scandinavia is a lot more cultivated than the UK, it's very noticable when in Scandinavia. and the UK don't have (hygge) It's a kind of a romantic cosiness in the home!

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Postby familyof5 » Sat, 19 Jul 2008 12:23 pm

[quote="ksl"]9. I being the male don't have to be financially taken for a ride, or expected to look after her financially. (Once bitten twice shy)

i guess since i havent had paid work since i had my first child i'm being "looked after financially".....? I don't suppose the kids are going to raise themselves...

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Postby sierra2469alpha » Sat, 19 Jul 2008 12:32 pm

Gee KSL - a touching post - you're a brave person. Good luck to you :)

P & C

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Postby ksl » Sat, 19 Jul 2008 2:29 pm

familyof5 wrote:
ksl wrote:9. I being the male don't have to be financially taken for a ride, or expected to look after her financially. (Once bitten twice shy)


i guess since i haven't had paid work since i had my first child i'm being "looked after financially".....? I don't suppose the kids are going to raise themselves...


Your dead right there, kids do not raise, themselves and most women that get alimony don't spend it on the kids either! Not to mention wife support, for being unfaithful and breaking up the marriage! And you think the husband maybe can't do your job, just as good, That was a typical answer from a houswife, that believe she is alone in the raising of her children, and would mostly go for every penny her husband has in the bank, scary feeling I would say.
So how much do you think you are worth?

Most men that have suffered the fate, will know what i mean, although I have no qualms at all, with paying child alimony, and I am not saying all mothers are painted with the same brush, what I am saying is that I will not fall pray to it again....Although I never married again, I did have a live in relationship with a another, who worked in a beauty salon, that was also a costly mistake....having to pay 50/50 and then be tricked into redecorating the home, before being kicked out, because she had met someone on holiday...and had the nerve to invite him home.

Having bumped into them a day after I left the property in the town, I did make a remark, to them both, that she couldn't wait for the bed to get cold, personally I believe most women are just out for security the best way they can achieve it, I don't blame them, although it does sink to very low ethics, of which i have no respect for, and no one on this board can honestly tell me, they know the actions of their partner, when it comes time to break up, but one thing is for sure, that a woman will get as much as possible, it's inherent, called survival. Cost me an arm and a leg on two occassions, and the live in guy, doesn't have a leg to stand on, no matter how long you contribute to the costs of the common law household, if the contract is in her name....Normally turns out, it was a business relationship, and she rented you a place, even though you paid 50% of everything, when it gets to the legal. MEN TAKE HEED!

So all I am saying, is that I will not be caught out again, financially, I am quite happy to except that life is unpredictable, but i have control of my own destiny, through lessons learnt, and will do everything possible to secure my own future, the older we get, the more wise we become, only the sooner the better is favourable.

And lets face it, even though I was married in Europe and living in Asia, what chance has a foreigner got of equality.

I have a friend who just retired, because of a bad back, he's enough money in the bank, for two life times, although he now realises, that if he dies, early, that he will not get to enjoy the fortune, but his wife might, with the company of another man ha!

I would say to any guy, to think twice, about there fortunes and plan ahead, instead of being blinded by love....One only as to read the paper here in Singapore to see, how many people get suckered for all their hard earned cash, believing the woman loves them.

You cannot buy love, so why try, I don't go out to impress women and never have, I'm dead straight with them, this is how it is, like it or lump it, I have no need to beg or plead, for anything, just say the word, and I'm gone, knowing that my emotional hurt, will be over as soon as I get a replacement.

So the sooner the better, one can still give 100%, of feelings of love, the problem comes in managing the emotions, it's as simple as that, and the more times one breaks up, the experience is enhanced, and i must have broken up with well over 20 women, in my 23 years of single life. What matters is ethics and honesty, and I have both.

Of course I have given it great thought, before joining in union for the last time, and I'm sure that my present wife, knows, that I may put on a hard face, but she also knows I have a soft heart too, and what i do, I do for their future, not for my own.

I don't regret getting married again, although looking back, I wish I hadn't, being alone for all those years, had many perks, like travelling alone, and just thinking of myself, of which I did for 4 months of the year year, now I only get 6 to 8 weeks and I have to combine business with pleasure and also look after my daughter.

The sacrifice for freedom is income, I only need what I use, and I am not motivated by money, but my own interest for hobbies and doing what i like to do, So I guess I am luckier than most.

Of course I do also get put under pressure, with having two grown up children too, a father is always expected to be there for all kids, and mostly it's money, otherwise there is not much contact.

So I don't give them, because I want them to appreciate money and respect it, what i loan them, I expect to be repaid, and they will inherit whatever I leave.

Society is such that most in Europe do not wish to work, because of the welfare system, in UK it's not good, unless you can beat the system and that becomes an education in itself, of which the majority have learnt, it's appalling how many fraudsters their have been in UK, and most certainly brought the country to it's knees, making everyone that has worked hard all their lives suffer.

So my principles in life have been set, I have no time for wasters or negativity and I can get scolded from my wife, for knowing everything, she hates, that I am right most of the time....although knowledge is gained through life's trials, errors and wisemen, not through theoretic literature.

These are of course my opinions that practise makes makes perfect, rather than compete against a woman, I would rather pacify her, for peace of mind, let them believe they are in charge is very important, if that is what they want.

Role play is very important in the relationship and UK is a prime example, I believe it to be a male chauvanistic culture, where by men believe they rule the nest, however, it's quite the opposite, the woman rules the nest, the reasons are simple....NO SEX.. manipulation we live with every day of the week, some realise it many don't, it depends how one fine tunes the skills, using the tools that are out there, education and practise including sex and understanding what a womans needs are, and satisfying them...and you are right, they (women) change like the weather and are unpredictable :lol: but we love em all the same.

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Postby Wind In My Hair » Sat, 19 Jul 2008 6:38 pm

ozchick wrote:He's romantic and cultured, but physically strong and determined, understands me and despite a few issues related to my many years as a single, enjoys the challenges that come our way. He can't tolerate stupid women, is blessed to have 'finally found someone' who keeps him calm, and we have so much in common that we are both positive that the future is bright with us. We're both past the the 'having a family' thing and can focus on ourselves now, which sits very nicely with the 'long-term single' in me. I'm happy to dress up for him, even the cleavage and heels are a change that I would never have bothered with earlier. Mm...apparently I'm a real woman- whatever that is ! :wink:

And obviously a woman in love. Happy for you dear! :D

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Postby familyof5 » Sat, 19 Jul 2008 10:08 pm

ksl wrote:
So how much do you think you are worth?



a freakin' fortune. :D

have you thought of seeing someone....you know...for your issues?

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Postby Wind In My Hair » Sat, 19 Jul 2008 10:15 pm

familyof5 wrote:a freakin' fortune. :D

have you thought of seeing someone....you know...for your issues?

That'll cost him a freakin' fortune indeed! If he speaks anywhere close to the way he writes, therapy will involve hours and hours and hours... :wink:

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Postby ozchick » Sun, 20 Jul 2008 10:07 am

Wind In My Hair wrote:
ozchick wrote:He's romantic and cultured, but physically strong and determined, understands me and despite a few issues related to my many years as a single, enjoys the challenges that come our way. He can't tolerate stupid women, is blessed to have 'finally found someone' who keeps him calm, and we have so much in common that we are both positive that the future is bright with us. We're both past the the 'having a family' thing and can focus on ourselves now, which sits very nicely with the 'long-term single' in me. I'm happy to dress up for him, even the cleavage and heels are a change that I would never have bothered with earlier. Mm...apparently I'm a real woman- whatever that is ! :wink:

And obviously a woman in love. Happy for you dear! :D


Aw shucks WIMH, think you've found me out ! :oops: :)
'Are you trying to tempt me because I come from the land of plenty?'

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Postby ozchick » Sun, 20 Jul 2008 10:42 am

ksl wrote:Congratulations Ozchick! Hope it works out for you, I'm sure he's a great guy, most of them are from Scandinavia, and I believe the men try harder than the women,in most cases. Just that feeling i get after 23 years in a wonderful place, and I hope I return one day.


It's so sad to read of others misfortune and it pains me, to see kids lose their parents to divorce, hence my strong belief in marriage is for life


The rooster and I were discussing this very matter the other day, i.e the difficulty of 'making the relationship last forever'. He has come from a 20 year marriage that just gradually disintegrated. After that a few failed relationships over another 10 years. He believes greatly in partnership. He has nothing bad at all to say about his ex-wife. They simply had nothing to say to each other any more. My own marriage many years ago was for 4 short years only. Four years of hell when I think about it. Talk about incompatible- oh yeah that was us ! Mm and I wasn't going back for a second dose of THAT any time soon ! Is 21 years later too soon d'ya reckon? :wink:
The rooster and l feel that it's a big ask for 2 humans to stay together forever, no matter how great the initial desire or pledge...mm...we both reckon that the changes that occur in each party is inevitable, and if those changes are not 'similar' in type, then even the most determined person will struggle. A bit of a cynical view? Maybe...
.....Also the type of personality has much bearing on this. Easy-going, less-passionate types are going to cope better with their partner's changes than others can. These are inherent traits that are in all of us to a greater or much lesser extent.
As for kids, well yeah, that's why I got out of my marriage before it got unbearable. My daughter wasn't even 2 yrs old. Kids are resilient. But very careful handling of the situation is obviously needed.
'Are you trying to tempt me because I come from the land of plenty?'

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Postby ksl » Tue, 22 Jul 2008 6:09 pm

Wind In My Hair wrote:
familyof5 wrote:a freakin' fortune. :D

have you thought of seeing someone....you know...for your issues?

That'll cost him a freakin' fortune indeed! If he speaks anywhere close to the way he writes, therapy will involve hours and hours and hours... :wink:
Who tempted who in the garden of Eden?
Do i see typical woman issues popping up here :P let's be realistic here and admit, that your issues may not have materialised yet, but guaranteed they will... :-| make a note of that one. :P

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Postby Wind In My Hair » Tue, 22 Jul 2008 6:21 pm

ksl wrote:Who tempted who in the garden of Eden?
Do i see typical woman issues popping up here :P let's be realistic here and admit, that your issues may not have materialised yet, but guaranteed they will... :-| make a note of that one. :P

Oh I have lots of issues, and more to come. I've learnt to relax about it all. I'm also learning to let the other person have issues in peace without my trying to change them.

You, on the other hand... daring to take on two women at once... that's either heroic bravery, or you have huge issues. :lol:


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