Funnies for the weekend

[parag]

Hard work never killed anyone,
But why chance it?

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.
I don't like to interrupt her.

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life.
(unless I buy something)

I spent most of my money on
whisky, women and cigarettes.
The rest I just wasted.

The faulty interface lies between
the chair and the keyboard.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

When you get old and your kids ask
where all the money went, show
them the vacation videos.

Confession is good for the soul,
but bad for your career.

Always give 100% at work:
12% Monday
23% Tuesday
40% Wednesday
20% Thursday
5% Friday

Question:
Which is worse, Ignorance or Apathy?
Answer:
I don't know and I don't care.

How come we have to choose
from just 2 persons for president,
and 50 for Miss America?

PATRONS ARE REQUESTED TO REFRAIN FROM DISPOSING OF THEIR CIGARETTE BUTTS IN THE URINAL AS THEY BECOME SOGGY AND DIFFICULT TO LIGHT.

I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE
Sometimes I even put it in the food.

If at first you don't succeed,
destroy all evidence that you even tried.

I need someone really bad.
Are you really bad?

If you think there is good in everybody,
you haven't met everybody.

It's a small world so you
have to use your elbows a lot.

I want to die while asleep like my grandfather,
not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

Stop the Slaughter!
Boycott Baby Oil!

I can't rememberer whether
I'm the good twin or the evil twin.

People who say you can't buy happiness
just don't know where to shop.

Join the army
Travel the world,
Meet interesting people
And kill them.

I was only looking at
your nametag, honest!

What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?

ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS NO
MATCH FOR NATURAL STUPIDITY.

Statistically speaking, Married people are more prone to have Kids.