Love for the Over-40's

[earthfriendly]

No nagging or I am gone and yes it works both ways!

Poor wife. To me, nagging is an essential tool for keeping the marriage together.

[earthfriendly]

too deep ? no thanks.. not confronting neither thanks, but i don't have to explain my relation to the community to prove it to everyone i guess.

as im living with a malaysian chinese girl, im just terribly tired with those type of posts poisoned by the "i know everything syndrom", tired with people trying to find a reason -why is that girl with a white man-, meaning they think right from the start that something is wrong, tired with posts beginning by "There are two types of local girls who date expat guys."

oh yeah, of course its generalisation, just a quick post, then what, whatever you know or not that you are generalising doesnt change much afterall, you still saying what you are saying and what are saying most of the locals every time they talk about this subject (to generalise a bit).

i find this eternal statement a bit tiring, yeah.
not that i care too much about it tought, i just feel a bit sorry and confusing for lot of locals that seems to be very concerned in a weird way about caucasians. let go a bit...

singapore is not too poor, not every girl is a either a rich whore or a poor whore, either desesperate or fascinated by white, there is normal people around too who don't need a motive for a relation, for the sake of them, lets try to generalize just a bit less..

no offense to you but for the sake of the people in my situation, please give some room for the 'presomption of innoncence', i'd said.

i guess you see what i mean and i don't mean more than this.

Not everyone's like that lah. No worries mate. People around me don't have a problem when me and white hubby go back home to SG. Some are curious since they don't get to interact with whites closely and are generally fascinated with western culture. A kind of a childlike fascination. Reminds me a lot of myself as a kid reading about Gone with the Wind, watching dashing James Bond in the movie etc. Growing up, I don't see my other friends to be like me or not as severe. Perhaps it is due to my dreamy nature and ability to romanticise about things . And I start thinking are white people really like that? They like to ask what kind of food I cook at home, does hubby speak chinese, how do we meet, how many times we have sex (just kidding lah ). If I don't like it, just tell them to leave me alone as I need personal space and quiet time.

Actually, my white relatives had also asked me some of the same questions. Some people tend to be more curious than others.

[sundaymorningstaple]

too deep ? no thanks.. not confronting neither thanks, but i don't have to explain my relation to the community to prove it to everyone i guess.

as im living with a malaysian chinese girl, im just terribly tired with those type of posts poisoned by the "i know everything syndrom", tired with people trying to find a reason -why is that girl with a white man-, meaning they think right from the start that something is wrong, tired with posts beginning by "There are two types of local girls who date expat guys."

oh yeah, of course its generalisation, just a quick post, then what, whatever you know or not that you are generalising doesnt change much afterall, you still saying what you are saying and what are saying most of the locals every time they talk about this subject (to generalise a bit).

i find this eternal statement a bit tiring, yeah.
not that i care too much about it tought, i just feel a bit sorry and confusing for lot of locals that seems to be very concerned in a weird way about caucasians. let go a bit...

singapore is not too poor, not every girl is a either a rich whore or a poor whore, either desesperate or fascinated by white, there is normal people around too who don't need a motive for a relation, for the sake of them, lets try to generalize just a bit less..

no offense to you but for the sake of the people in my situation, please give some room for the 'presomption of innoncence', i'd said.

i guess you see what i mean and i don't mean more than this.

Your post 'almost' sounds like that of someone who has had a nerve touched wrong way in one of the posts. When you have been married to a local as long as I have - 24 years (especially a girl I met in a bar!) you no longer rail or tilt at those windmills but just taken 'em with a grain of salt. My wife does not fit the stereotypes either (the bar?) She was a professional singer for 15 years. To this day she doesn't smoke or drink (I did enough for both).

[FannyAdams]

Bah, expat-local relationships – what’s the big deal? They seemed to occur in every other country without anyone (except the more senior members of society) passing comment. Of course any relationship in which there’s a whopping great big age gap will raise a few eyebrows, but I feel the world has now become so small that it’s only the most unworldly of people who are suspicious of mixed relationships.

I know Singapore is small so the number of people who are over-40 and single is going to be depressingly tiny BUT there are bound to be people here who have developed an idea of what it is they like in a member of the opposite sex that has little to do with race/nationality. I’m just asking where to find them (well, particularly the men). I think if my friend were to limit herself to just expat men, she’d have zero hope

[guruvishwanath]

Dude sourisso, You are in a minority here. Meaning, you are amongst the few who are a bit above the pinkerton effect.

Let me explain (before holy hell breaks loose). I know a lot of people. Both men and women! Both local and non-local. A fair amount of non-locals are very clear on their choice. local girls! I am going to use WIMH definition of local girl as the one who has studied outside of singapore, discovered a bigger world, understood and embraced independence and feminism and returned back. They try and go out with people and discover that oh! most of the local guys are too narrow not because of anything but thier lack of exposure. No one is born with a liberal or worldly views in life. Your environment will groom you until you change or embrace a new attitude for life. So what do they do? They go for non locals. Why? In thier minds, the think that since the non locals come from the same place where they did their education, they would be able to click better.

For most part, it WORKS to a certain point! So its a small band of good blokes who look for love, companionship and proclaim their loyalty, get married, have a bunch of kids. And I know quite a few of this great guys who are married to great girls with downright cute, absolutely rotten naughty kids .

Then there is the other. I recall this dude I know who tells me "Guru, When I am back in my country, no one even looks at me once forget twice. I am just an ordinary person out there. Here, the women just fall over me! They want to sleep with me! And I have the pick of the lot". Honest to God, he said that. And for which he says he WILL never go back to his home country. I found it quite sad and distressing that someone has to choose such a reason to stay back because you have chicks ready to fulfil all your wildest fantasies.

Then there are some local girls. They refuse to go out with anyone but non-local. And the whiter the better. Which I dont get! Once I had asked this girl out for a dinner and she rejected because I am not white (I am non local though)! Well, I found out why as her room mate called and told me not to feel bad since her friend only dates whites. Again, honest to God that this is not a wind up! I did not feel upset. Its a womans choice who she goes out with or not. Later, I felt sorry and it only showed the shallowness of the girl. And what did her "so called" conviction land her? Poor thing! A series of heartbreaks, messy breakups, discovery of affairs, two timings etc. It was as if everything that had to go wrong went wrong. Which made me even more sad. You dont choose your partner based on their origins or colour. And for a short term benefit, you are going to regret in the long term.

Folks, no where is perfect. On the flip side, when I went to Europe for a wedding, I was a novelty. It was bizzare. It was as if I was like a Bollywood star . And I would say the same thing. Girls back in India wont look at me once forget anymore than that. I could have stayed back in Europe, learnt some French, sport a dodgy french accent with an Indian twist (Think running around trees with a baguette).

So I do understand sourisso's ire! But then mate, you gotta understand what is also our experience. For the most part, the majority of the non locals are not long stayers. In my 12 years, I have known only 6 guys who have stayed back or went and returned back because they could not live without the love of their life. And a lots of good friends I made moved elsewhere as their career and jobs took them.

There is no moral to this story. In the end, you choose how you wish to lead and live a life.

[sprite]

Guru, your post is very well worded and heartfelt, but you, like most of the others on this board, and in life I suspect -- are hellbent on classifying people into categories. Who cares who dates who, and why. Or what color their damn skin is? Every couple is different, every circumstance unique. Lots of shallow, stupid people out there, restricting their field of viable dating material for stupid, shallow reasons. That sounds like Darwinism at its finest if you ask me.

[Arizona]

'Love on the Rocks' by Neil Diamond.

Makes a good listening while reading though this thread.

[Wind In My Hair]

Sourisso, I'm sorry if I touched a raw nerve. I certainly wasn't saying anything about your girlfriend. If she is comfortable with her choice, I would imagine she would find it easy to ignore my comment. After all, it's just the opinion of a stranger and doesn't mean much.

I hope you realise that if we don't generalise we can hardly talk about trends and patterns. Some people accept certain generalisations but understand that it doesn't apply to them. Some disagree with the generalisation and challenge it with statistics or observations. Both are fine with me.

It's interesting that my sentence was ambiguous and I guess we interpret it differently. You read it as "There are ONLY two types of local girls who date expat guys" whereas I had in mind more like "There are two types of girls who date ONLY expat guys".

[sourisso]

no problem

[Arizona]

It's Your Love and I Need You the duets by faith Hill and Tim McGraw.

Check it out folks and breathe.

And move on from there.

[cutiebutie]

It's interesting that my sentence was ambiguous and I guess we interpret it differently. You read it as "There are ONLY two types of local girls who date expat guys" whereas I had in mind more like "There are two types of girls who date ONLY expat guys".

Wind in my Hair is correct. Only dating a certain group out of principle is limiting your choices but no-one can be criticised for that.

I'm Eurasian mixed and would fit most anywhere, but I also have my preferences and don't need to defend them to anyone.

[Wind In My Hair]

Wind in my Hair is correct. Only dating a certain group out of principle is limiting your choices but no-one can be criticised for that.

Thanks for chipping in, cutiebutie. I would call you cutie for short except that it probably sounds too much like the guys hitting on you.

I guess my point is sometimes it's not based on principle, but on pragmatism. In my experience, and that of several of my single female friends in their 30s and 40s, there just aren't many available local men in our age group. You won't believe how many try to start a relationship with us, only for us to find out later they're already married. I wasn't kidding when I said that if you wait long enough, one day you look around and realise all the men are either married or gay. I know it only seems that way, and statistically there must be some available men around, but sometimes it sure doesn't feel that way. This would also explain why FannyAdams' friend has difficulty finding local men.

[Arizona]

Love is simple

people tend to complicate things.

[sundaymorningstaple]

WIMH,

One other thing you forget to bring up, which in the local context, is a very sad but very real problem for people like yourself (Sharp, traveled, and highly educated - Good thing I'm happily married, people might get the wrong idea! ) This is the fact that culturally speaking the local men here have been brought up with the attitude that the wife cannot be as educated or at an equal level as the man, forget the idea that a woman might be smarter, or heaven forbid, a higher degree, or make tons more money.

So, the tendency here is for the guys to marry down. This leaves to groups who are basically shafted. The lower educated males (who have a viable alternative in PRC/Vietnamese wifes) and the Highly educated Females who don't have anybody locally to fill the void. As you said, either married or gay! So...... They have to look elsewhere. If the Asian male generally only marries down the they have to look for someone who will not mind or will treat them as an equal. This usually (but not always) equates to Western Males.

[Wind In My Hair]

SMS, thanks for the compliment. I agree that the situation you describe generally holds. There are, however, some gems like my brother-in-law who earns less than my sister, and studied locally while she went to a renown university overseas.

While I agree that some expats treat us as equals, many don't. I mean, they open doors and do all the right things, but you can sense that some expect to be adored for the mere fact that they are expats. Among locals it is also well-known that expats 'use' women as playthings much more than locals do. Ask any woman who was wooed with sweet nothings and dumped after a one-night stand, and the guy is most likely an expat. This gives expats a bad rep, which is unfortunate.

One thing I have to say for local guys, again at risk of generalising. They are more tolerant of women's follies. Many local guys will engage when the girl is upset, and try to make up by buying gifts or doing something nice. Expats are more likely to avoid arguments by saying something like "this is ridiculous" and don't make the effort to take the first step to make up. Again, this is a generalisation but I've noticed it enough times to risk a generalisation.