WISE AND HONEST ADVICE NEEDED

[Wind In My Hair]

Btw, hello Superglide, don't I know you?

Oh dear, do I know Superglide too? I'm getting a strong suspicion he may be gliding around on Dutch shoes...

[sundaymorningstaple]

I sorta figured that one out last week but couldn't confirm it. Now that he has confirmed it and finally got that bike lets hope his former namesake here stays very far away from him when he's riding.

[Superglide]

We don't wanna hijack this thread, now do we?

[Leslie]

We don't wanna hijack this thread, now do we?

maybe it is a way to help worldpartygirl to forget (a bit) of her misery

[PhantomX]

Thankyou again for all your replies. It just reinforces my actions.

I will be divorcing my husband because I think he will continue his ways for a long time yet!

I had wished at some earlier point that he would live with her experience normal life ie going to work, making tea feeling tired and doing mundane things togther but you know I do not think he wants that-he just wants to visit her in Asia have holidays staying in 5 star hotels and giving her money.

He wants the fantasy. Unfortunately he is not dealing with things here like going to his lawyer and drawing up a amicable divorce settlement. That means I will need to take him to court soon and the judge will decide the separation of finances..

He is burying his head in the sand-why maybe he thinks I will not divorce him and he Im sure never thinks about consequences...

Wise people all over the world exist....and shared thoughts and experiences make us all human!

I think nobody wins in a situation like this. He went looking because he had problems and felt that he was no longer needed like he used to. The sex part is just for gratification. Of course its the lure. But in the end its his need to be wanted. And he'd pay to be felt that way if it was required, which he has. So rationalise all you want any which way. What goes around comes around. In the end you will want to be needed and so will he. So its a question who will do it for you and for him. Strange isnt it? The irony of life!

[Worldpartygirl]

Thanks again for your reply and I understand what you are saying I think!

Perhaps you are right that he wanted to be needed but I remember at the time before I left Asia he was drinking a lot and that Xmas wanted not to socialise with people and was quite clingy..

At that point loved my husband and spent a lot of time togther and I in all my marriage period could feel in things that were not right and would ask him "whats the problem" Never got a reasoned reply. Trust me I worked at my marriage-still to this day he cannot tell me "why" it happened and to be honest thats why I am a little sad. He had problems drink, work pressure and its like he does not want responsibilities anyway, I think he was really tired at the time and probably had some sort of breakdown.

The whole point is after I found out I really tried to help him when he returned to this country,beleive more than any woman would do but his mental cruelty due to his obsession is unatural..

For example when he was drinking he would wake up and speak Chinese in a strange way...The way he behaved then was strange-as if he has been taken over by her...

Yes I will want to be needed probably real soon, I miss somebody to want me and me him! Ironic I never thought this would happen to me, I thought my husband and I would be holding hands along with our walking sticks...but hey I know I tried everything to save my marriage but the upshot is there can only be 2 in a marriage and my divorce is pending..

As he says there is millions of Chinese girls out there (only wants Chinese women) I only want; maybe one day a kind, decent loving man who can appreciate me.

So this is life-I will make the the most of it!!!

Take care

[Wind In My Hair]

Hi WPG,

I know you will do well for yourself from the sound of your post, though it's can't be easy for you. I'm reading a book called "I Love You But I'm Not In Love With You" that exactly describes situations like yours where one party still has affection but claims to have fallen out of love. Maybe you could consider seeing a counsellor if he's agreeable.

Anyway all the best. Things will work out, though at this point you're going on pure faith that they will.

[SunnyinDubai]

Living in Dubai you tend to see the same things that occur in Asia re old men trying to link up with young women to "boost their ego" and this is particularly common over the summer here when men are left on their own as their families go home for the summer. And these young women are not at fault too - they come looking for an easy target and a bit of fun with these men. I think that both the man (husband) and the mistress are at fault here - I am sure she know exactly what she is doing - she is breaking up a good marriage for her own selfish needs and yes he is letting her do that but she must take some responsiblity for what she is doing. It saddens me to think that women would do that to another woman - and also don't they realise that if he does it once, he can do it again with another woman.

WPG - whilst it is not the same, I know of a couple who were married for a long time and there was a lot of abuse in that relationship. They did the whole separation thing but always landed back together because deep down they loved each other and to be fair to you - 32 years is a long time to be married to someone - of course it is natural to still feel that connection with him - esp when you can see clearly what he is doing to himself (sadly he cannot at the moment). The bond is there - just like a parent and a child - no matter how old I am, my mum always helps me out - even though I am capable of looking after myself. At the moment, you need to go through the pain of a divorce for you - no one else as you should not have to suffer financially for his stupidity - get a good lawyer and get yourself sorted out. As hard as it is, put the emotional side away and deal with things with your head (easier said than done but you need to as this longing to help him will always be there). Once you have got things sorted for yourself, you will then have a solid base to worh through the emotional part of what you are going through. I am a newbie here but have lurked before and on the whole, the people here are very supportive and am sure if you post a venting post, they will support you through it - as will your real friends (mind you cyber friends tend to be better venting partners as they do not know the real you - nor you them and it helps - trust me ).

Good luck with what you do and I do wish you all the best. I am not sure how true this is but I understand that Pavarotti said just before he died that one cannot just wave 32 years of being together just like that. This was said just before he died as he apparently was getting closer to his 1st wife and was having problems with his 2nd wife. Took him a divorce, about 4 years of being married to someone else and a major illness to realise that he had made a mistake.

[PhantomX]

Thanks again for your reply and I understand what you are saying I think!

Perhaps you are right that he wanted to be needed but I remember at the time before I left Asia he was drinking a lot and that Xmas wanted not to socialise with people and was quite clingy..

At that point loved my husband and spent a lot of time togther and I in all my marriage period could feel in things that were not right and would ask him "whats the problem" Never got a reasoned reply. Trust me I worked at my marriage-still to this day he cannot tell me "why" it happened and to be honest thats why I am a little sad. He had problems drink, work pressure and its like he does not want responsibilities anyway, I think he was really tired at the time and probably had some sort of breakdown.

The whole point is after I found out I really tried to help him when he returned to this country,beleive more than any woman would do but his mental cruelty due to his obsession is unatural..

For example when he was drinking he would wake up and speak Chinese in a strange way...The way he behaved then was strange-as if he has been taken over by her...

Yes I will want to be needed probably real soon, I miss somebody to want me and me him! Ironic I never thought this would happen to me, I thought my husband and I would be holding hands along with our walking sticks...but hey I know I tried everything to save my marriage but the upshot is there can only be 2 in a marriage and my divorce is pending..

As he says there is millions of Chinese girls out there (only wants Chinese women) I only want; maybe one day a kind, decent loving man who can appreciate me.

So this is life-I will make the the most of it!!!

Take care

I think we are missing the plot here somewhat.
No person is always the same person throughout the course of a lifetime.
We evolve with time. We go through peaks and troughs. And usually the peaks are brief and yes you guessed it right... the troughs are long....sometimes very long. And we must be prepared for them unless we are open to someone else settling in and massaging our other half through them. And yes novelty indeed has its appeal. But as they say it all wears off in good time and we come back to the tried and familiar. So its a question of whether you are prepared to work through the cycles or work it out with someone else new and novel and start another variation of the same theme.

[sundaymorningstaple]

So its a question of whether you are prepared to work through the cycles or work it out with someone else new and novel and start another variation of the same theme.

I'm inclined to start another variation..... but at the same time I'm not discounting yours either as it does have it's own merits as well. But not for me.

Frankly, to me, there's not much sense in flogging a dead horse. Better yet, ask yourself if you would put up with your wife doing the same thing. I ask myself and the answer is a resounding NO. Regardless of how many kids I have I'll not have them losing respect for me as well for putting up with it. They would already have lost respect for my spouse.

It took me three marriages to find a keeper. 1st 7 yrs, 2nd 7 yrs and next week I'll be celebrating my 24th Anniversary with my 3rd. (although I've been married 38 years total). Figured I'd keep trying until I got it right!