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WISE AND HONEST ADVICE NEEDED

Discuss about the latest news & interesting topics, real life experience or other out of topic discussions with locals & expatriates in Singapore.

jockney
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Postby jockney » Mon, 03 Sep 2007 7:38 am

I presume by you having grandkids, you are not a teenager and hence the fact your husband has a young woman on his arm(at whatever the price), will be good for his ego and self esteem??
seen too much of it out here i am afraid and have had to live in apartment and watch it happen and the guys thought I was the odd one out for staying faithful to my wife!!!
The buisness i am in I have seen the majority of men indulge in the use of these women and the unhappier men get hooked on them!
It will be sore for you, but he is and must be incredibly unhappy and moreover very selfish to affect the people he is affecting.
one thing for sure is you are not alone in this scenario.
As far as the girl goes, she is just making the best of any opportunity that comes her way?
No-one can tell you how you will feel as it is your pain, but if he can do it once....
Good luck and I hope your husband finds real happiness soon

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Worldpartygirl
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A strange thing!

Postby Worldpartygirl » Mon, 03 Sep 2007 12:43 pm

When my husband was in the UK I saw the texts from her and him and they both refer to each other as man and wife, she calling him her husband and he his wife.

Is this a common thing for Chinese woman to refer to this term when in actual fact she is just his mistress!

I remember the strange part she was taking him to Buddist temples in Singapore and they had some ceremony to bless them or something...

Is it possible he could have married her? though obviously not legal here.

His obsession with her goes beyond sanity itself..

He has clinical depression, a marked tremor probably due to his drinking and I notice he goes to the toilet all the time..

So sad for a man who had the world at his feet!
WORLDPARTYGIRL

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Superglide
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Postby Superglide » Mon, 03 Sep 2007 1:10 pm

It surely sounds like she talked him into a "marriage for Buddha" or alike.

It would be speculation, but do know that "spells" are not uncommon here in Asia.

I have seen examples close up, in which perfectly fine people turned into people showing completely different behaviour.

jockney
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Postby jockney » Mon, 03 Sep 2007 1:26 pm

are you in scotland now?
we are from scotland also!
I worked with and lived with many of these type of guys when I first came down here and strange thing is; they can see no wrong in what they are doing.
Drink plays a big part,lack of real happiness plays a big part,ego boosting young girls throwing themselves at you plays a big part.
I really feel for you and hope you are not as unhappy as your man.
If he has a drink problem, then AA is the place to be and thats not an advert, thats from experience.
I am now happy and sober and have no need to look outwards for happiness, or for things I think might make me happy.
I wish you all the best and you can PM me if you like.
All the best

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muratkorman
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Postby muratkorman » Mon, 03 Sep 2007 1:38 pm

With my limited experience in life, compared to some forum members who have posted here, I see this situation as a mid-life crisis. I will be using straight forward words and I apologize for the inconvinience.

Just for a while forget about love, affection, family values, etc. Imagine a man who misses sex and who feels that he is running out of time to enjoy it. He has money and money can get him everything he needs. Do you think he really cares about that girl? He just feeds his ego with having a young chick and enjoying his life. He knows that the girl is using him, but he uses her too. However, people who really love and respect him are so upset with this. They can't imagine this guy who is a loving husband, father, uncle or successful colleague, close friend, etc can behave so.

I have seen such an example with a person that I know well. I respected him a lot and after I watched a similar story in front of my eyes, I couldn't feel the same about him anymore. However, he was also having this mid-life crisis. He also had a happy marriage with sons, daughters and grandchildren (he still has). I was just asking at that time, but why doesn't he hide this? He could do that if he wanted and nobody would know. I realized that he wanted to prove himself and boost his ego to show that he could get young girls with his money. A silly way according to me, but this was what he chose.

It is not an issue to generalize as it all depends on the character of the person, but the bare truth can be described as the needs and frustrations of a middle-aged man who is on the verge of his jubilation to sex-life. Something which ladies won't understand just like men can't understand many female behaviours. Men are sex driven and this story is just an extreme outcome of it.

I would be very sad if your children would be young and they needed a father, but it seems everybody lives his own life with his/her own family so it is better to accept it and live on.
With my kind regards

Murat Korman

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ScoobyDoes
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Postby ScoobyDoes » Mon, 03 Sep 2007 2:02 pm

I've seen this type of thing in Hong Kong from when i first arrived to the day i moved to KL. I've seen it in KL from the time i arrived to the time i moved to SG and i've already seen it here. I've seen it in the Philippines, Thailand and in China too so do not make the mistake it is related directly and only to Singapore, but rather Asia.

I've seen it with friends that have even come out here on holiday, for just a couple of weeks. One friend on holiday to the Philippines ended up getting a divorce and moving his girlfriend back to the UK. He had three young boys at the time, all younger than 12 or 15 , i forget.

Asia still has the affect.

For me, i moved from Scotland when i was single and 24 and nearly 13-yrs later i'm now neither 24 nor single ;)

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Asian_Geekette
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Postby Asian_Geekette » Mon, 03 Sep 2007 2:22 pm

ScoobyDoes wrote:I've seen this type of thing in Hong Kong from when i first arrived to the day i moved to KL. I've seen it in KL from the time i arrived to the time i moved to SG and i've already seen it here. I've seen it in the Philippines, Thailand and in China too so do not make the mistake it is related directly and only to Singapore, but rather Asia.


Mid-life crisis and infidelity does not choose any location. It happens anywhere. It only seems easier here in Asia to get a young chick because some girls find it easier to capitalize on their youth and so-called exotic good looks to snare a richer guy, instead of using their brains and talents to earn a decent living.

WPG,
Walking away, after 32 years of sharing your life with the man who just threw everything away seems shattering. But you need to protect yourself -- both emotionally and financially. I hope you find the inner strength during these tough times. And get a good lawyer. Don't let a single cent of the money you worked hard for fall into the other woman's hands!
My business is not to remake myself, but make the absolute best out of what God made. -Robert Browning

jockney
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Postby jockney » Mon, 03 Sep 2007 2:58 pm

for me the big one is.....there are no excuses! :wink:

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sundaymorningstaple
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Postby sundaymorningstaple » Mon, 03 Sep 2007 3:19 pm

ScoobyDoes wrote:IFor me, i moved from Scotland when i was single and 24 and nearly 13-yrs later i'm now neither 24 nor single ;)


jockney wrote:for me the big one is.....there are no excuses! :wink:


Scooby, I hear you loud and clear (I was single and 36 when I moved here and 25 years later I'm neither either).

Agreed jockney. 100%

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ScoobyDoes
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Postby ScoobyDoes » Mon, 03 Sep 2007 4:10 pm

Asian_Geekette wrote:
ScoobyDoes wrote:I've seen this type of thing in Hong Kong from when i first arrived to the day i moved to KL. I've seen it in KL from the time i arrived to the time i moved to SG and i've already seen it here. I've seen it in the Philippines, Thailand and in China too so do not make the mistake it is related directly and only to Singapore, but rather Asia.


Mid-life crisis and infidelity does not choose any location. It happens anywhere. It only seems easier here in Asia to get a young chick because some girls find it easier to capitalize on their youth and so-called exotic good looks to snare a richer guy, instead of using their brains and talents to earn a decent living.


It was the ease of which it happens that i was referring too, re the paragraph you didn't quote.

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Postby sprite » Mon, 03 Sep 2007 8:26 pm

WPG,

Give yourself five minutes and try to clear your head.

Strip away what he did,
forget about the other 'woman',
try not to prioritse the children, who are now grown.

Put yourself first and let everything else fall away.

Now, look into the mirror.

Keep looking.

And look some more.

What do you see there?

A victim?

An opportunist?

A survivor?

His actions don't define you, the degradation he has brought upon your marriage is not who you are. You can use this as an opportunity to say:

F*CK NO!

Not to me, not now, not ever.

Show those kids how grown-ups deal with situations like this. They meet it head on and make real, difficult, adult decisions, They don't sneak around trying to find their lost youth with a piece of paid snatch. They boot his sorry ass back to the timbuktu.

Time to move on and work on you. You have spent pleanty of time wonder why? When? who? how? Exactly NONE of that matters. And who knows, after a bit of healing and some serious soul-serching and AIDS testing on his part, maybe a dialogue can be started. But you don't need him in this latest reincarnation. He's nothing but poison.

Pull yourself up by your bootstraps and say:

I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it any longer.

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Postby Jason_0035071 » Mon, 03 Sep 2007 11:08 pm

WPG,

You are right to feel sad for your husband. This relationship with the Chinese girl will end very badly for him. He is spending too much money to afford this relationship long term and from the sounds of things he may be on the verge of losing his job. The money will run out and then so will the Chinese girl. You need to get control of the assets to protect yourself and maybe speed this relationship to its conclusion. Be tough now and save your compassion for later when you will be in a better position to offer it and he will need it most.

For the board member who said that this can happen anywhere... I disagree. Guys who would never cheat on their gf or spouse at home will do it here. There is just too much temptation and opportunity. Most guys, fortunately do not lose the plot over these girls.

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Postby sapphire » Tue, 04 Sep 2007 10:02 am

Superglide wrote:It surely sounds like she talked him into a "marriage for Buddha" or alike.

It would be speculation, but do know that "spells" are not uncommon here in Asia.

I have seen examples close up, in which perfectly fine people turned into people showing completely different behaviour.

Spells??????? Now that's hard to believe!

Btw, hello Superglide, don't I know you? :P
It's not getting any smarter out there. You have to come to terms with stupidity, and make it work for you.

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Superglide
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Postby Superglide » Tue, 04 Sep 2007 10:35 am

You better know me! 8-)

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Worldpartygirl
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Wise people do exist...

Postby Worldpartygirl » Tue, 04 Sep 2007 12:04 pm

Thankyou again for all your replies. It just reinforces my actions.

I will be divorcing my husband because I think he will continue his ways for a long time yet!

I had wished at some earlier point that he would live with her experience normal life ie going to work, making tea feeling tired and doing mundane things togther but you know I do not think he wants that-he just wants to visit her in Asia have holidays staying in 5 star hotels and giving her money.

He wants the fantasy. Unfortunately he is not dealing with things here like going to his lawyer and drawing up a amicable divorce settlement. That means I will need to take him to court soon and the judge will decide the separation of finances..

He is burying his head in the sand-why maybe he thinks I will not divorce him and he Im sure never thinks about consequences...

Wise people all over the world exist....and shared thoughts and experiences make us all human! :)
WORLDPARTYGIRL


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