WISE AND HONEST ADVICE NEEDED

[Worldpartygirl]

HI WISE PEOPLE OF SINGAPORE

I have been to Singapore many times and thought God! what a place but it has some bittersweet memories for me..

I would like some advice though some of you might find this a little bit strange but I know some of you out there will know what I mean!

Where to start..mmm...say this is the scenario

Older successful man meets beautiful Chinese escort girl, was happily married but is now completely obsessed with her. Tells wife she leaves him but tries to help him. His employer is fed up with his emotional state and sends him back to UK. He continues to return to Singapore staying in the best of hotels, takes 5 star holidays in Asia, buys exspensive gifts for Chinese girlfriend and after each trip pays her £6000.

Wife now ready for divorce, husband used to be a loving family man but now has changed and seems to be different..

All the wife needs to know do you think this woman loves him and what I cannot understand is why he gives her so much money and gifts....sorry to be so nieve but perhaps people in Singapore can enlighten me..for example is this common..please be blunt. I just need to know, somebody tells me this happens a lot in Asia. By the way I lived with my husband in Asia and returned home to sell the family home in UK and 4 days after I left she seduced him and that was the start..

Sorry folks...I am well now but still trying to understand thats what life is all about...Gosh his reply-it just happened!!

[ScoobyDoes]

All the wife needs to know do you think this woman loves him and what I cannot understand is why he gives her so much money and gifts....sorry to be so nieve but perhaps people in Singapore can enlighten me..for example is this common..please be blunt. I just need to know, somebody tells me this happens a lot in Asia. By the way I lived with my husband in Asia and returned home to sell the family home in UK and 4 days after I left she seduced him and that was the start..

It's not an uncommon scenario, but it is unfair to blame the new woman.

[Worldpartygirl]

I did have a good marriage but my husband liked to drink. When he was in Asia drank large amounts of whisky and had a drink problem...

There was a few pressures on him like work...and a bit from the UK.

I have asked him many many times "what was wrong with the marriage" but he cannot give a reasoned reply.....

To be honest it seems to be the young thing-she is 25 and he 52 and to be honest I would not mind if they had things in common, ie age, culture and speaking the language-she can only speak a small amount of English, so what is it? Why does he give her money-she is not from Singapore but from Nanging in China and seems to go back there every two months..

Perhaps he was'nt happy with me but you know he never said..

I did have a loving and very close marriage, 2 strong healthy sons and a beautiful grandaughter, lots of friends in Asia but somehow he only liked the Chinese culture rather than mix with the expats..

Thats the strange thing..Its like the Chinese culture has taken him over..which even though I admire their culture, I stand back..

Any clues..

[ozgirl]

I would say that the most attractive thing about your husband is his big fat wallet. That is all.

Why does he give her so much money....obviously knows that if he doesn't it would by bye bye from escort girl. So basically he is buying her love if that is what you would like to call it.

Obviously he is going through a midlife crisis and thinks she actually finds him attractive for who he is not what he buys her and the money he gives her, why wouldn't she hang around for the amount he leaves her with.

You see alot of overweight and very very average looking expat men here with good looking SPG's. I always wonder what they see in him...

[Wind In My Hair]

Worldpartygirl, I'm sorry you're going through this. Don't blame yourself. Whatever happens you need to believe in yourself so that you can either salvage the marriage or move on with your children. Women tend to be more in tune than men on the state of relationships and if something was going wrong you would probably have known it sooner than him. So maybe he's right and these things just happen. His urges got the better of him, and it's no fault of yours. Men, wonderful creatures as they are, are just built that way. Brains in the penis and all that...

Anyway, I may be wrong but from what you have written, here's what I think is happening: The woman is a paid escort from the PRC who enters Singapore on a social visit pass, hits on as many customers as she can, then has to leave when her visa expires, to attempt another entry later. That would explain why she is paid so much each time. She's found a moneyed customer who likes her and is milking him for all he's worth.

Some of these women also hope for a Pretty Woman happy ending, looking for the Richard Gere-type who will end their need to work the streets. They may settle for being mistresses, just to enjoy a comfortable lifestyle, all paid for by the besotted man.

Of course, there's a possibility that she loves him. I doubt it though, but who am I to say.

You seem like a very tolerant woman, though I'm sure you're all torn up inside. It's easy for strangers to say, but maybe you should just stay out of his affairs (literally) and make a great life for yourself and your kids. If he doesn't come back to you, then you haven't lost any time moving on. And if he does, well, even more so there's no point ruining your sleep, health etc now. Really, he's a grown man and needs to make his own decisions / mistakes in something like this. Don't try to 'help' him thinking you are being magnanimous. Just stay out of it. Don't dignify his actions by getting involved. You also have to show your kids that there are boundaries and you won't stand for some things. Otherwise they may grow up allowing their partners to do the same to them.

Anyway, I usually have problems following my own advice, ha ha. So that's just my view and take it with a pinch of salt.

Take care of yourself, girl. I've realised that when something like this happens, the best thing we can do is drink lots of water, get lots of sleep, and exercise regularly. I'm serious. Everything else will eventually fall into place.

[sapphire]

No third person can tell you what went wrong with your marriage. However, like Scooby said, here in Singapore, it's like being in a candy store. The girls are pretty and easily available. This could be one of the reasons but you would know best. No point blaming the woman, your husband could've always resisted the temptation...

[sapphire]

But WIMH, sleep is what becomes elusive in such a situation! Inner strength is what one needs and I hope the OP can find some.

[Wind In My Hair]

But WIMH, sleep is what becomes elusive in such a situation! Inner strength is what one needs and I hope the OP can find some.

Right as usual, Sapphire. It's always easier said than done. But what I've found is inner strength comes from drinking lots of water, getting lots of rest, exercise etc. It's a virtuous cycle and you can start anywhere on that cycle and work from there.

Here's what works for me: praying, crying my eyes out, falling asleep exhausted from crying, waking up rested and with more inner strength.

[sapphire]

Here's what works for me: praying, crying my eyes out, falling asleep exhausted from crying, waking up rested and with more inner strength.

That works, yes. Or you can become a lesbian.

Sorry worldpartygirl, not trivialising your pain but sometimes it also helps to be around happy people. People will sympathise with you for only so long, you have to be strong and start each day with a smile. No one likes to hang around gloomy doomy people. That's the way the cookie crumbles. Just be strong and this too shall pass...

[Global Citizen]

WPG, the sceanario described by WIMH sounds pretty accurate to me and from the sound of it, she's milking him for all she can get but understand that's what she does for a living and he is a willing player.

Betrayal is a horrible thing and you could say its the nature of the beast (your man in this case) and some men just seem more susceptible to temptation and have very little resistance especially if he's also in the throes of a mid age crisis and needs to wear his libido on his sleeve to prove that he's hot shit. It may or may not have anything to even do with you as a partner in the marriage especially if he's unable to come up with a reasonable explanation for his actions but as pointed out already by others, you would be the best person to answer that.

Good luck, try to keep your dignity intact and I hope you'll be able to find some inner strength and peace whatever the eventual outcome. BTW, are there kids involved and are you now separated?

[Superglide]

HI WISE PEOPLE OF SINGAPORE

All the wife needs to know do you think this woman loves him and what I cannot understand is why he gives her so much money and gifts....sorry to be so nieve but perhaps people in Singapore can enlighten me..for example is this common..please be blunt. I just need to know, somebody tells me this happens a lot in Asia. By the way I lived with my husband in Asia and returned home to sell the family home in UK and 4 days after I left she seduced him and that was the start..

Sorry folks...I am well now but still trying to understand thats what life is all about...Gosh his reply-it just happened!!

To answer your question,

No, she doesnot love him.

She loves the fact he falls for her and gives her all the money and the gifts.

Wait until he realises and stops doing so.

That's when you see her real identity.

If you wanna save this marriage, you have to be patient and more than altruistic, you will have to be forgiving and wait for the man to realize his insanity and stupidity and come back to you, begging on his knees for the lfie he once had together with you and both your family.

Like Sapphire said, it is the pitfall of Asia for most men. They are Gods here, or so they wish to believe from all the admiration they get.

Until the day they wake up and face reality.

I know for sure, a 100% sure: He will want to come back to you.

Start thinking whether you want this man back.

That Chinese woman?

Don't even bother thinking about her, she's just another slut.

Take care, good care of your family in the meantime.

[sundaymorningstaple]

All the wife needs to know do you think this woman loves him and what I cannot understand is why he gives her so much money and gifts....sorry to be so nieve but perhaps people in Singapore can enlighten me..for example is this common..please be blunt. I just need to know, somebody tells me this happens a lot in Asia. By the way I lived with my husband in Asia and returned home to sell the family home in UK and 4 days after I left she seduced him and that was the start..

It's not an uncommon scenario, but it is unfair to blame the new woman.

Scooby,

I have to apologize. I must have hit the edit button instead of the quote button when I posted a reply earlier to you post. It ended up editing your post and looked like it was in your response as well. I have corrected the error but my post now is a bit out of sync with the thread. Anyway....
As I originally said....

Would have to agree.

I've seen it happen to the best of them. Sometimes, it's the man's fault other times it's the mans fault. It's always the man's fault. Before someone jumps down my throat though remember a man can always say no.

Sure, it could be the wife who, for whatever reason, either knowingly or unknowingly gives the man reason to look and put himself in positions where this could conceivably happen. This could be frigidity after the birth of the last child? Gaining a inordinate amount of weight or otherwise letting oneself go to pot. No longer willing to go that extra little bit to look attractive when he gets home. Doesn't seem like much but makes a bit difference in you are here in Asia where the women up to their 50's tend to look like they are in their 30's and tend to cater to the male due to the fact that they are brought up in a patriarchal society. Almost like being in a candy store. Could be that the marriage wasn't too stable before arriving in Asia. If it wasn't it couldn't stand up here that's for sure as the temptation is too great as are the opportunities. I know a number of former couples who came here thinking getting away from the home environment might be a way to salvage the marriage. It's a sure way to end it even faster.

My 2¢ worth.

[micknlea]

It is a two way street, the girl out to get all she can, sees a willing "victim" and the man often mid-life, in now living in a place where this situation is laid out in front of him quite regularly. It does happen a lot in Asia, have seen it happen to quite a few people here and other places not too far away. Perhaps not this exact scenario, but certainly the break up of the marriage, spouse returns home, and other either remains in Asia or travels there often after. Most cases the situation goes on for a few years, not often does it end up with a serious relationship on the other side. Quite often the wife is left wondering what on earth hit her and her supposedly happy marriage she had before.

You need to pick yourself up and get on with life, it's hard but you have to do it.

[Jason_0035071]

WPG,

It is a sad situation. No, the girl doesn't love him... at least not by the Western definition of love. She loves that he can take care of all her wants and needs. If and when that stops she will look for a better sponsor. Until then she will give every indication that she belongs to him heart and soul. The experience the guy is having is like being hooked on drugs. He can't help himself. Unfortunately, like a drug addict, he will need to hit bottom and lose everything before he can come back to being the person he once was.

You need to take care of yourself right now. First, go get yourself tested for STD's. Then figure out how you can keep him from spending your life savings on this girl. Seek out a good lawyer. You may need to divorce or at least separate until this is over one way or another. Seek some emotional support from trusted friends. Do not blame yourself for this situation. I doubt that there was anything you could have done to prevent it. Nearly every guy who goes to Singapore will stray at some point. There is just too much temptation everywhere. But the guy needs to realize that it is a fantasy that he is paying for.

I hope everything works out for you.

[Worldpartygirl]

Thankyou all very much for all your advice-it kind of reinforces some thoughts and feelings that I have...

I am now at the stage of divorce because even though he is ignoring it my actions; every time he travels to Singapore, cashs in his savings, takes loans out and spends a lot of money for his holiday with her-in actual fact the last time he was in Singapore just there in July he was leaving on his pay-day he took nearly all his pay and gave it to her-he said for "English lessons" at some school or something. He came home with no money and has lots of committments here-his behaviours and spending are manic.. All the money we worked so hard for over the years will be soon gone unless I divorce..

I have been legally separated since last November and he has been seeing her since January 2006 though not living a real life but a fantasy one....He said to me its like a drug..

The saddest thing is he has a beautiful family, two grown up sons, healthy clever and handsome a beautiful grandaughter and grandson.
Unfortunately they do not respect him now not because of her but when at the beginning he went on benders because he could not bear to be without her and was torn and confused.

I saw him the other day for the first time in 6 weeks and his face has changed, his face has gone into his neck and he had no moustache.

I must admit nearly all my feelings for him have gone but I must admit still feel sorry for him, I suppose 32 years knowing him is a long time.

I am well and I am looking after myself, slimmer now in years and everybody says I look younger perhaps this fate is meant to be..

The Chinese have 3 fates I wonder which one intervened for me..

Take care all you kind people, I am lucky I have been to Singapore and have seen the world.....