pls comment...

[confused_mind]

Hi all, I'm new and as my nick suggests... I'm confused now and in a dilemma...

I fell in love with a guy and i can feel he loves me so much too, i know u pple out there would be skeptical, so would i if i were u but i'm the one involved so i feel differently.. anyway, i converted to muslim just to be with him and we were planning to get married .. but so many things restricted us bcz of the place we're in (saudi arabia...) ... anyway, only today he told me he's MARRIED!!! back home where he's from... i know how he feels, that he got married bcz he was leaving home and he felt he'd get old and unmarried and didn't think he'd meet someone here (thats the reason/excuse he gave anyway...) thats why he picked someone he knew and was of good personality (religious and generally nice-- not bcz he loves her.. ) but bcz of religion, he cannot divorce her unless she requests when she knows about us (we intend to get married first before telling her...) however, i'm worried if she'd also accept to share him with me... but i felt that no woman can accept if her husband loves another woman.. besides, they didn't consummate their marriage yet, while we did it already (although we're not married yet ... ) hence, i felt like taking the chance to marry him and pray that she'd request for him to divorce her ... on the other hand, what if??? what if she accepts it???

so do u think i should take the gamble and hope she'd request for divorce and if she doesn't, then i'd divorce him?? or not to marry him at all?? i know it was his fault that he purposefully concealed it from me, but whats done cannot be undone and we fell in love already... i can feel it, that he loves me too... and that he'd not be happy if he stayed with her, he told me that himself too that he hopes she'd ask for a divorce, bcz he had to fulfil his promise to her and her family that he'd take care of her although he doesn't love her, it would be only out of respect and responsibility...

Pls advise bcz i'm thinking too much that i cannot concentrate on my work and i really do love him ... he's the person i've been looking for and it'd really be perfect if he didn't sign the contract to be married in Egypt..

[Plavt]

Your post is not very clear, not least because of your badly written English. However, you state you are not married to him but he is already married and has the right to more than one wife where he originates from. That means you can be one of two or more wives in his native country. Are you happy to accept this situation? You seem to be hoping he will divorce his current wife in favour of you alone. I personally doubt this is going to happen.

One sensible answer - Forget him! You are simply pursuing a relationship that is not going to work. Harsh words I know but that is the reality.

[confused_mind]

i know that its the reality ... but i know i'm not pursuing something thats impossible... do u not believe that people can fall in love after they've committed to someone??

i sincerely believe and feel that he loves me and i love him too... but bcz of restrictions from his religion, he cannot divorce just like that, bcz she didn't do any wrong.. but if she decides to request for a divorce then he can gladly oblige.. i know its hard to comprehend for people out of this religion..

but i've never loved like this before and i can feel the love that he gives me.. its not something that can be spoken by words...

i'm thinking of how i can make her say it .. to request for divorce..

[Plavt]

i'm thinking of how i can make her say it .. to request for divorce..

You want to control her mind? Suppose she does not, then what are you going to do? On the other hand suppose she does, your husband will still have the right to more than one wife. Once the novelty of your relationship wears off you might find yourself little more than a toy the man got tired of.

I really cannot see any logic in what you have so far posted; how many men are there in this world?

[confused_mind]

i know and fully understand what you're saying ... suppose she doesn't, then i'll divorce him... bcz i can't share him with her... but the reason why we want to marry first then tell her is bcz we want to prevent her from creating a scene to stop us...

suppose she does, and really he'd fall for someone else, i'd divorce him, bcz i can leave him if his heart is not with me.. but to know that he loves me and leave him, its a little difficult.. i don want to be stopped by the religion or someone he met before me... and he'd clearly stated that he'd only stay with her out of duty and to fulfil his promise to her and her family ...

the problem is i feel that he's sincere... and i feel that i want to take the chance to fight for my happiness... bcz i really feel that we're so in love when we're together ...

[Wind In My Hair]

Oh dear. While I agree with Plavt that it is very clear to anyone who is not confused-mind what the logical course of action is, it is also true that love, especially when experienced by us women, is often the farthest thing from logic. The most intelligent, rational and professional of us can go completely bonkers when it comes to affairs of the heart.

Confused-mind, I am not you, but if I were, I would try to get over him. Most of us have thought at some point we would never get over a man, but eventually did. But since it sounds like you aren't intending to leave this married person, then my second choice of action would be this:

Ask him to tell her that he has met someone he loves and wants to marry, suggest a divorce and see what she says. It is only decent that he informs her, and gives you a chance to marry him with no strings attached. Painful as this conversation would be, it is fair to everyone. You can then decide, based on her reaction, how likely the divorce is.

If he refuses to have this conversation with her, you should run, not walk, from this relationship. If he says he has spoken to her and she said yes, then wait for the divorce to be finalised (ask to see the papers). And if she said no, well you already said you aren't going to share your man.

I know it seems easy to an outsider who doesn't have to deal with the turmoil going on in your heart, but perhaps that's the value of a detached third party perspective.

Hold your head high, don't settle for second best, and know that whatever happens, the sun will come up tomorrow. Best of luck!

ps: One last piece of advice - when you're this confused, your best guide is actions (his), not feelings (yours).

[confused_mind]

Thanks for ur advice WIMH, i know i'm not settling for 2nd best because he has only me in his heart, this i am sure.. he spends any free time he has with me... but with the other woman... its plainly out of duty, like i said, to most of us, its impossible to comprehend how he cannot talk to her now... firstly, bcz it'd be decent to talk face-to-face and he can't leave now to go back there.. secondly, he doesn't want her create a ruckus involving families and all, and if she refuses him to marry me, then he's be guilty of hurting her (this is not allowed or not good in the religion although its not necessary for her to give permission...) and we're thinking if we do it then inform her, and see her reaction from there.. he promised me that if she'd ask him to choose, he'd choose me.. i'm not blindly believing him, trust me, i know he means it. but in this religion, we're afraid of punishment from God, but if she's the one to request for a divorce, then we're free...

he's thinking she'd ask for a divorce based on her views of having 2nd wives.. but then again, i was also dead against it... actually, things are a little complicated, they've signed a marriage "contract" but i do not know if that is legal marriage or a promised marriage (like engagement... ) bcz they didn't do the celebration nor did they consummate the marriage... but in anycase, he promised her and her family thats why he cannot simply go back and announce that he'd divorce her, it'd seem that he's heartless.. and believe me, i do understand how he feels, bcz i went thru this before.. i was with my ex for 4 yrs and i do not feel anything for him anymore, but i couldn't bring myself to say "break up" bcz he was really nice to me.. but one time i went out with a guy and his aunt saw us and we eventually broke up when he asked if i still loved him and i answered in past-tense ...
maybe this is my retribution??

in any case, if she really doesn't let go... i know that i would divorce him, i feel this is a gamble i'd take, with a marriage certificate at stake?? what do u think??

[ciaral]

Don't be confused my dear frenz....... if the man truely love you and appreciate you as his life long partner and lover; despited any situation whether it's stormy, thunder, cloudy, rainny or sunny, or even if your appearance is not attractive as time goes by, or even sometime the relationship or chemistry just seems to weary out

It is not for us to comment on your relationship. well u could ask opinion.... but in the end of the day problem need to be solve within the both parties that s involved.... cos outsider don't really know the whole storie that is happening and we audince only hearining from one side of the parties. However it could mislead of adviced begin given to the parties thats concernce.

You guys really need to sit down and really talk and take thing in to serious considerantion. Not just be cause you felt that you need to be sympathies for yourself.

nothing in this world is fair. everyone is begin selfish for themself, to make them happy, completed and whole.

so the answer is with yourself

[Wind In My Hair]

actually, things are a little complicated, they've signed a marriage "contract" but i do not know if that is legal marriage or a promised marriage (like engagement... ) bcz they didn't do the celebration nor did they consummate the marriage...

in any case, if she really doesn't let go... i know that i would divorce him, i feel this is a gamble i'd take, with a marriage certificate at stake?? what do u think??

I'm sure I don't understand the intricacies of a Muslim marriage (nor any marriage for that matter - I'm not married so take everything I say with a huge pinch of salt) but why not do the same for yourself? Sign a 'promise' or 'contract' with your man that is not exactly a legal marriage but enough for him to tell his wife that you two are 'married' and then if she refuses to leave him then you don't exactly have a divorce on your hands if you both agree to nullify the contract right? Best to consult a Muslim authority as it seems to me you're playing a legal game to get the other woman out of his life and would do well to know the rules.

Anyway, I'll say to you what others have said to me before, which used to drive me crazy but really is the only thing we can do: FOLLOW YOUR HEART. Oh, and most important of all, get lots of rest and drink lots of water. I'm serious - it's a lot easier to handle life that way. Take care!

[confused_mind]

Big thanks to all. .. i know the answer lies in me so is the action and i do agree its not easy for outsiders to see the full picture... how he's with me so on and so forth .. especially the feelings, for i'm the only person who's feeling it ... actually i've already decided what to do, i just needed some "green" light or some kind of approval to console myself that what i will do is not too foolish...

WIMH, u're really a very thoughtful and sincere person i feel, and ur advice is definitely very reasonable and sound. We'll get married here (in sha Allah - "God willing"... ) then we'll let her know. He promised me and swore to God (and I know he's very God-fearing, hence i know he's not lying...) that he'd try his best to divorce her... now the answer only lies in her, if she wants to set all of us free... my biggest headache now is the wait... i can't stand waiting for something to happen, bcz he can't go back now and he doesn't want to tell them (her and her family..) on the phone as it would come as a rude shock!! bcz it was his fault that he had wanted this contract before he came...

I'm really happy that u told me to go with my heart, bcz these were my words to him when we met initially, bcz i never loved anyone like this before, i was always suspicious and cannot trust pple, but i told him i decided to "go with my heart" this time for i think i've met the man i was looking for... so i think i should go all the way... and take this gamble. In any case if it really doesn't work out (God forbid..) and she insist to stay married, then i think i'd leave...

Now the problem is getting married, its not even up to us to get married here now as there's some problem with his work permit/ visa (we call it iqama here...) so maybe we'll just leave this matter to the hands of God, if we can marry, then we're meant to be, but i believe in fighting for my happiness.. bcz if i don try i feel i'd regret it later in my life...