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sundaymorningstaple
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Postby sundaymorningstaple » Wed, 25 Jul 2007 10:09 am

Wind In My Hair wrote:he is ............. an American.


OUCH! :P

leana_24 wrote:Hi sundaymorningstaple,

just curious... in your case, did your parents get involved?

lets say, if they did, what would you have done?


leana_24,

As I noted in my earlier posting, I've been married before. As a slightly different tangent (which I don't want this thread to go off on) My current wife is a Singapore Indian (Tamil). I was brought up in a different era in the US (before integration) in an all white neighbourhood and school, etc, etc. I thought my marrying a very dark indian would have caused ripples in my family as well. I pretty much pre-empted any dissent by telling them that "while I would hope you will accept her, it is my life and my decision. As I have not lived at home nor in my hometown for 40 years it shouldn't and doesn't matter. You told me that I have to make my bed in this life and I have to sleep in it."

You want to know something? Not only was she accepted, sometimes I think she is better liked than me! Of course, providing my Father with his only Grandson may have had something to do with it! :wink: (But that was 5 years after we were married). It is surprising how flexible parents can become one the child shows that they have grown up enough to live their own lives and bear the consequences of their actions.

Wind in my Hair's advice is very good. I am not so much out of tune with the Asian Mother-Daughter complex (and it is complex!) My Mother in Law, who lives with me, fights almost all the time with my wife - or should I say both are guilty. (My wife is also the eldest) But ask my MiL if she wants to move in with any of her other children and the answer is NO! So I do realize you also have a cultural clash there. My wife and I don't regret our decisions but that doesn't mean you won't. So I would say think very carefully. What worked for my wife and I isn't engraved in stone. Our cultural, racial and religious differences actually made us even stronger because we had to stand united against those who did not agree.

The only thing I disagree with is worrying about "what if it doesn't work out?" But I do understand where WIMH is coming from. I just think affairs of the heart will never blossom if we worry too much about the "what if's". Had I listened to the what if's there would have been no way I would have gotten married for the 3rd time. That means I wouldn't have had the gift (burden sometimes) of two fantastic children. That means next month I wouldn't be celebrating my 24th Anniversary!

sms

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Postby sundaymorningstaple » Wed, 25 Jul 2007 10:23 am

La grande boucle wrote:He should just listen to what Islam is all about and then decide.


I would have to agree with this statement.

After leaving the church in 1960 I went through the next 25 years being a bankrupt, divorcee, pilot in VN and countless other guises. All along I studied religions of the world but just not in any seminary. I've studied most of the major religions and quite a few of the minor ones. Ultimately none could sustain questioning with acceptable answers and I cannot accept the catch-all phrase "Blind Faith". Religion was created for the masses as the masses are generally not capable in believing in themselves. I don't think OP's BF should be judged because he is European therefore doesn't know any better. It may well be that his eyes are "really" open? Different perspective but just as valid don't you think? Not saying either is correct though.

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Postby La grande boucle » Wed, 25 Jul 2007 11:10 am

sundaymorningstaple wrote:I don't think OP's BF should be judged because he is European therefore doesn't know any better. It may well be that his eyes are "really" open? Different perspective but just as valid don't you think? Not saying either is correct though.


I agree sms, it may very well be that Leana's boyfriend knows what he objects to.

Interested to hear from Leana therefore.

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Postby leana_24 » Wed, 25 Jul 2007 3:54 pm

well, lets see... but i got to say that the idea of bringing him to Darul Arqam is great. let him hear what is Islam all about. and thereafter, let him decide.

It isn't easy especially coz we are on a LDR. he maybe coming this yr end, so we'll see.. maybe i'll bring him around.

thks guys! :)

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Postby La grande boucle » Wed, 25 Jul 2007 4:37 pm

You're welcome! :D

All the best and there is hope, Darul Arqam opened my eyes... :wink:

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Postby sundaymorningstaple » Wed, 25 Jul 2007 7:19 pm

Best of luck.

But remember one thing. Both of you must keep an open mind and heart. It cannot be a one sided thing...........

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Postby Wind In My Hair » Wed, 25 Jul 2007 8:08 pm

sundaymorningstaple wrote:
Wind In My Hair wrote:he is ............. an American.


OUCH! :P


Oh, I thought being a man was the greater evil actually. :P

sundaymorningstaple wrote:The only thing I disagree with is worrying about "what if it doesn't work out?" But I do understand where WIMH is coming from. I just think affairs of the heart will never blossom if we worry too much about the "what if's". Had I listened to the what if's there would have been no way I would have gotten married for the 3rd time. That means I wouldn't have had the gift (burden sometimes) of two fantastic children. That means next month I wouldn't be celebrating my 24th Anniversary!


Yes I realised after posting that perhaps I shouldn't have said that as it might encourage negative thinking. But I still think that it's prudent to ask yourself ONCE whether you can stomach the worst case scenario, and if the answer is yes then you can march forward confidently and never entertain thoughts of failure again.

There is also a difference between (a) considering all sides of an issue in trying to come to a decision, versus (b) giving it all you've got once a decision has been made. I agree with you on (b), but I think you know that where I was coming from was (a).

ps: And yes, you will never fully understand the mother-eldest daughter love-hate bond. Even we don't, until we're rather advanced in life. I'm now best friends with my mum but that happened only after many stormy younger years. Amy Tan's Joy Luck Club came closest to explaining it in a way someone who is not an eldest daughter can understand.

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believe in yourself

Postby mayamomi » Sun, 29 Jul 2007 5:18 pm

Look at this way, although we are asians and we believe and desire for our parents' blessings... we need to be selfish at times too... believe me, its very very difficult to ask someone to convert to something they do not believe in... i myself am going through this process of converting to islam... i have my reservations about but we shall not discuss it here...

anyway, back to ur mom ... u're getting married not her ... its ur happiness... if u really love this man and u feel he really loves u too, why let religion get in the way ... why let anything silly (i'm not referring to religion pardon me.. i mean any other unimportant issues that might arise..) get in the way... although love is not everything and marriage is not only between 2 pple, we should eliminate other factors that might break a beautiful relationship.. bcz true love is difficult to find these days.. if u let this go now, u don know when u'll get another chance ... but for ur mom, she's always ur mom no matter what and once it blows over, everything will be forgiven and forgotten (at least thats what i hope and pray for my case cos i guess my dad will kick my butt for converting !! haha.. )

go for it girl!!
To you, he's a dog...
To me, he's everything...

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Postby lithium » Wed, 01 Aug 2007 1:19 am

touchy issue, but here goes... why do u need him to convert? when you fell in love with him u knew his beliefs i guess and he knew yours. has he asked u to convert? i am guessing not from all the discussion in the previous posts... so why do u hv to get him to convert and follow and change himself... isn't loving abt accepting the person for who they are? if he does so shud you... there is a saying in urdu, "jaab miya biwi raazi to kya karega kaazi", which is a slightly humourous idiom, but means that if the husband and wife are willing, what can the priest do, kaazi being the presider of marriage ceremonies in islam.

i mean its just a religion, even if he was to convert, will he have the same beliefs are you do, its just gonna b a rubber stamp no?

i think it wud b best if everyone just looks above such i daresay petty and trivial things such as a rubber stamp of affiliation to an organisation to identify ourselves... and look at each others are fellow human beings defined as human beings by the actions we do, by the sympathy and empathy we exude and not by which book we read.

we are members of a global society, as can b seen in your case, european marrying an asian or vice versa i guess in this case... so act like a global citizen... if u hv decided to broaden your mind and accept someone outside your sect as your love, well go through with it, why shy away when the real test comes up? these old notions of only mixing with your class and religion and colour etc. are outdated and should b thrown away as we did with the stone age tools... it breeds hostility and war (as can be seen in the history of civilisation), acceptance builds bridges and breaks down walls... so... hmm... anyway i may hv digressed a little but you get the drift... i hope.

good luck to you and your loved one!

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Postby sundaymorningstaple » Wed, 01 Aug 2007 12:54 pm

lithium,

Battery ran flat? You didn't read the whole thread from the beginning as I said primarily the same thing on the first page. (maybe you need to switch to Energizer batteries). :wink:


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