Golf Jokes

[Immortal]

Arnold Palmer, Jack Nicklaus and Tiger Woods are standing at the throne of heaven. God looks at them and says, "Before granting you a place at my side, I must ask you what you have learned, what you believe in."

God asks Arnie first: "What do you believe?" Arnie thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, "I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my fans."

God can't help but see the essential goodness of Palmer, and offers him a seat to his left. Then God turns to Nicklaus and says, "What do you believe?"

Jack says, "I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the fundamentals of life.

Like Arnold, I believe in hard work. I, too, have been lucky, but win or lose, I've always tried to be a true sportsman, both on and off the playing fields."

God is greatly moved by Jack's high-pitched eloquence, and he offers him a seat to his right.

Finally, God turns to Woods: "And you, Tiger, what do you believe?"

Tiger replies, "I believe you're in my seat."

[Immortal]

Rules of Bedroom Golf

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play.
2. Play must be permitted by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is completed. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well-formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Angry course owners have been known to damage players' equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.
10. Players should ensure that the match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.
11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.
12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of alignment with, and approach to the hole.
13. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine.
14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request.
15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

[Asdracles]

Sorry for possible mistakes in translation

Conversation Husband-Wife

W: What would you do if I die?
H: I will be in mouring, sure

W: How much time?
H: Lot of time!!!

W: Why?
H: (Seriously). Because I love you, and I would miss you too much.


W: (Smiling) Nice. Would you marry again?
H: No

W: (angry) Why not? Dont you like to be married?
H: Yes! I like it

W: So, would you marry again?
H: (Doubting). I think that after mourning you time enough, and giving sense again to my life, I would marry, yes.

W: Would you sleep with her in our bed too?
H: I think it would be logical, wouldnt it?

W: Would you replace my picture by hers in the night table?
H: I would put the two pictures together

W: Would you have sex with her? In our bed?
H: Mmm, surely

W: Would you play golf with her too?
H: Yes, you know I love golf

W: Would you give her my golf clubs?
H: No, shes left-handed.... oh! shit!

[Asdracles]

A couple were on their honeymoon, lying in bed, ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, “I have a confession to make, I’m not a virgin.”

[Asdracles]

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

"Ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." [dramatic pause]

"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment.

The pastor said, "That's so sad I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

[Immortal]

18 Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex

* You don't have to sneak your golf magazines into the house.
* If you are having trouble with golf, it is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to show you how to improve your technique
* The Ten Commandments do not say anything about golf.
* If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you golfing, you don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet, then you become famous
* Your golf partner won't keep asking questions about other partners you've golfed with
* It's perfectly respectable to golf with a total stranger
* When you see a really good golfer, you don't have to feel guilty about imagining the two of you golfing together.
* If your regular golf partner isn't available, he/she won't object if you golf with someone else.
* Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you golf by yourself.
* When dealing with a golf pro, you never have to wonder if they are really an undercover cop.
* You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to buy golf stuff.
* You can have a golf calendar on your wall at the office, tell golf jokes and invite co-workers to golf with you without getting sued for harassment
* There is no such thing as a golf transmitted disease
* If you want to watch golf on television, you don't have to subscribe to a premium cable channel.
* Nobody expects you to promise to golf with just one partner for the rest of your life.
* Nobody expects you to give up golfing if your partner loses interest in the game.
* You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily for the enjoyment of golf.
* Your golf partner will never say, "What? We just golfed last week! Is that all you ever think about?"

[Immortal]

How Golf is like Urinating in a Public Restroom

10. Keep your back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
9. Form a loose grip.
8. Keep your head down.
7. Avoid a quick backswing.
6. Stay out of the water.
5. Try not to hit anybody.
4. If you are taking too long, you should let others go ahead of you.
3. You shouldn't stand directly in front of others.
2. Be quiet while others are about to go.
1. Keep strokes to a minimum.

[Immortal]

Top Ten New Additions to the Rules of Golf

* It’s OK to test the green’s surface before putting. Fondle it, nuzzle it, have a relationship with it...we don’t care.
* If Tiger Woods is leading the tournament after 3 days, you must put down your clubs and leave quietly.
* If you accidentally nudge your ball off the tee, Trembling Tommy, it counts. Better snort some Valium
* The yuppie in the designer togs and expensive graphite clubs shall incur no penalty, but shall spend the after life in polyester from Target and drive a used Pinto.
* If you bore everyone with a shot-by-shot account of your round, you will be hanged at the 19th hole with a sock in your mouth.
* Stadler-Lewinsky Rule: wearing kneepads shall not be considered building a stance.
* Alzheimer’s Rule: if you cannot find your ball within 5 minutes, check the ballwasher.
* You may not make any stroke with the aid of artificial devices, except for voluptuous implants.
* A ball that breaks into pieces counts as one stroke. Next time, play a ball that isn’t so cheap, Mr. K-Mart close-out special.
* Dung in a bunker is a natural object and may not be moved, unless it’s your own

[sundaymorningstaple]

How Golf is like Urinating in a Public Restroom

10. Keep your back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
9. Form a loose grip.
8. Keep your head down.
7. Avoid a quick backswing.
6. Stay out of the water.
5. Try not to hit anybody.
4. If you are taking too long, you should let others go ahead of you.
3. You shouldn't stand directly in front of others.
2. Be quiet while others are about to go.
1. Keep strokes to a minimum.

Obviously it isn't meant for ALL golfers is it. Have YOU tried to play while sitting/squatting?

Glad to see your nick is working okay now.

[Immortal]

Yes SMS it's working.

[IanRats]

Rules of Bedroom Golf

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play.
2. Play must be permitted by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is completed. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well-formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Angry course owners have been known to damage players' equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.
10. Players should ensure that the match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.
11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.
12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of alignment with, and approach to the hole.
13. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine.
14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request.
15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

16. Public courses may be played after paying the appropriate green fee.

[Strong Eagle]

Last summer my friend Bob met a woman while on vacation and fell head over heels in love with her. On the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how they would continue the relationship.

"It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut," Bob said to his lady friend. "I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that's a problem, you'd better say so now."

"Well, if we're being honest with each other, here goes," she replied, "I'm a hooker."

"I see." Bob replied, and was quiet for a moment.

Then he added, "You know, it's probably because -- you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off."