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How to keep occupied to get over a dwindling relationship

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Taos
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How to keep occupied to get over a dwindling relationship

Postby Taos » Thu, 12 Oct 2006 3:47 pm

I think its unrequited because i call him more than he does me, i try to plan more things together than he does, and a whole lot of other 'stuff' that points to the fact that he is bored and cant tell me he wants out.
We live in close proximity so i cant help but see him everyday and ache. I cant talk to him about it because he will say "here we go again".

I need to get out A LOT.. i need to socialise, get out, meet other people and keep myself occupied 24 hours. I cant go and sign up for a dozen classes so i'll settle for one- that will help.. and i really need to meet more people and keep myself occupied...(hmm im repeating myself arent i?) not into pubbing and clubbing all the time,, once in a while is ok. but not all the time.....

He's taken me for granted and i need to stop doing things for him. I need to stop trying to fix his life!!! I'm hoping that if he notices that ive been busy and not 'waiting' for him to ask to see me,, he will somehow miss me.

Im actually feeling very very sad and distressed. There must be so many things i could do.... but im so bloody stuck on this person i cant imagine seeing someone else,,, but i know i must... or it will hit me harder than i can imagine.

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ksl
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Re: How to keep occupied to get over a dwindling relationshi

Postby ksl » Thu, 12 Oct 2006 5:10 pm

Taos wrote:I think its unrequited because i call him more than he does me, i try to plan more things together than he does, and a whole lot of other 'stuff' that points to the fact that he is bored and cant tell me he wants out.
We live in close proximity so i cant help but see him everyday and ache. I cant talk to him about it because he will say "here we go again".

I need to get out A LOT.. i need to socialise, get out, meet other people and keep myself occupied 24 hours. I cant go and sign up for a dozen classes so i'll settle for one- that will help.. and i really need to meet more people and keep myself occupied...(hmm im repeating myself arent i?) not into pubbing and clubbing all the time,, once in a while is ok. but not all the time.....

He's taken me for granted and i need to stop doing things for him. I need to stop trying to fix his life!!! I'm hoping that if he notices that ive been busy and not 'waiting' for him to ask to see me,, he will somehow miss me.

Im actually feeling very very sad and distressed. There must be so many things i could do.... but im so bloody stuck on this person i cant imagine seeing someone else,,, but i know i must... or it will hit me harder than i can imagine.
I know the feeling! Taking one for granted is normal, especially if you have a woman spoil you! Some men like it others don't.

However there could be more behind the facade and if you don't ask, you will never know. Nagging is not the way!

May be he is not bored, may be he dislikes his job, worried about bad debt, or other things he doesn't wish you to know about.

Everyone needs space, to be left alone to think things out, so give him some space, but reassure him you are there for him if he needs you, but you are worried about him.

It is natural for you to worry, this you must try to over come and get on with your own life, providing you have made him aware, that you do care, and if he wants to discuss any problem, you are their to listen.

Don't give him the idea, that you are going to fall to bits, if he senses your insecurities, or jealousy, you may well be turning him off, and he could be thinking of dropping you.

Face the reality of life, no matter what happens, you have had good times as well as bad times, leave it at that and stay focussed on living your life, rather than worrying, that you are the one to blame, or it's your fault.

Just leave him alone, don't even bother to phone him, if he rings, fine, play hard to get, show him that you care, but you think he needs the time to be alone, ask him to stop ringing, until he finds out, what he wants.

Some people just like to make others suffer emotionally, to have the power over the other, it's a kind of cat & mouse game, walk away from it, and maintain your pride, tell him straight, that you care about him, but you have had enough of his self pity, and drop him.

Until he can find out what he wants out of life! I don't see why you should torture yourself, over his moody ways.

OK you may love him more than anything, but like all things in life, you must learn to let go, you have no control over his loving you, so back off, give your ego a talking too and say " You have no control over others, or destiny" but you will wait a while and see what happens, before jumping out of the frying pan into the fire, by that I mean, before you have another relationship. learn to control your ego, wants and emotional needs.
Many loved ones pass away every single minute of the day, you can see the pain and suffering, yet you know, it will happen, so learn to live with parting from each other.

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Re: How to keep occupied to get over a dwindling relationshi

Postby jpatokal » Thu, 12 Oct 2006 8:31 pm

Taos wrote:I think its unrequited because i call him more than he does me, i try to plan more things together than he does, and a whole lot of other 'stuff' that points to the fact that he is bored and cant tell me he wants out. We live in close proximity so i cant help but see him everyday and ache. I cant talk to him about it because he will say "here we go again".

Here's a radical possibility for you to consider: he's actually happy with the way things are. You're imagining this stuff about "can't tell me he wants out", and being super-clingy to prevent it, you're actually making your fear come true and destroying the relationship.

Im actually feeling very very sad and distressed. There must be so many things i could do.... but im so bloody stuck on this person i cant imagine seeing someone else,,, but i know i must... or it will hit me harder than i can imagine.

But obviously you're not happy, so your choices are to suck up and learn to live with it, or DTMFA.
Vaguely heretical thoughts on travel technology at Gyrovague

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Postby Wind In My Hair » Thu, 12 Oct 2006 9:33 pm

Gosh, haven't we all been there. I know exactly how you feel. And though it's hard you already know what to do. Just let go and be your own person, be less needy. Even if you live happily ever after, you should be able to have your own life. You'll never be happy this way, with or without him.

How about calling a girlfriend instead each time you feel like calling him? Confide in a close girlfriend what you're doing and if she's really a friend she'll be happy to take your calls and yak, anything, so you won't call him.

Or go for a jog whenever you find yourself thinking about him. This will not only help you emotionally but physically as well. Hey, with that great figure coming right up, lots of other guys may ask you out. Now that would be an interesting way to keep yourself occupied!

All the best.

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Thanks

Postby Taos » Fri, 13 Oct 2006 11:56 am

Thank you all who replied. My problem has always been 'premature' bonding to one person. We have only been together for two months.. he has told me long term and permanence are not his forte.. Ok so i know you will all be asking .. "good god woman are you a masochist?"

He is really very adorable.. funny, affectionate and has so many sweet qualities.

Anyway.. all the advice given is good,, and i will really not just think about it but IMPLEMENT them!! I think my loneliness and self imposed 'exile' makes me clingy and desperate... so i signed up for some exercise (yes WIMH.. my figure does need some trimming right now!). I am actuallysomeone who is very sociable and vibrant.. but there's a part of me inside that has some 'issues' with being 'noticed' by men. (long story!)

Ive also told all the people i meet that i would like to socialise more and have asked them to invite me for any parties they plan to have. Told all my male friends to introduce me to single men.

And most of all .. i have to work on my own mindset and attitude, my self worth etc....and . give him space and freedom.

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Postby erosenin » Fri, 13 Oct 2006 12:16 pm

Hmm...
Taos..
Yes... Sign up for some gym thingy / yoga / aerobics classes.
Just get your mind off him... Ok.. Let me start the ball rolling for you...
Do you have MSN? Maybe you can start by adding me. We can have some decent intellecture conversation. More friends coming your way!...

Msn me at guywithatittude@hotmail.com
Please copy and paste e email above.
Thanks...

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Postby cataluna » Fri, 13 Oct 2006 5:31 pm

Hi Taos

a friend of mine asked me to read "He is just not into you" book :)
but reading and put into practice will be a totally different thing to do and it won't be easy for that i can guarantee :D

1st thing to do is, to decide whether you think he is worth to waiting for, because if you plan to wait for him to get around his way of thinking it might be a long wait. And maybe by the end you will get hurt more than now.

I'm in that shoe before, The thing is while i keeping my space and giving him his space but both of us still going out together (due to we have mutual friends) it will be hellish thing to do because by the end i still think that we can make it. I think that maybe he can change his mind and will care for me because i'm always there for him but now, to be frank, everything is over and i'm trying to picking up mylife without him in the picture. Guess that i'm to use to have him by my side and i'm working out my way to still be his best friend without my heart involves. Maybe someday i can do it but for now its still hurt like hell :)

The last thing i can say is i have no regret in loving someone so deeply eventhough not end with a happy ending. Its a decision that i made to keep trying to make it happen but if it not meant to be then be it. i want to express my gratitude to all of my friends that keep supporting me during this down time.

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Postby EPL » Fri, 13 Oct 2006 6:55 pm

orh the book !!!!!!!!

I jotted it down to share with a dear friend of mine too..

It says :
He will always be able to play the "friend" card with you.
He only has to be responsible for the expectation of a friend, rather than the far greater expectation of a boyfriend.
Afterall being a "pal", you wouldn't want to put him through anymore emotional turmoil while he's going through his very traumatic breakup.

He's got the ultimate situation:
A good friend with all the benefits of a girlfriend, whom he can or not see whenever he wants to..


Well as you said, is easy saying it than done - well sometime you got to accept the fact that he is just not into you !!! so move on..


cataluna wrote:a friend of mine asked me to read "He is just not into you" book :)
but reading and put into practice will be a totally different thing to do and it won't be easy for that i can guarantee :D
Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live the questions now... Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live... into the answer ~Rainer Maria Rilke~

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Postby cataluna » Fri, 13 Oct 2006 10:00 pm

Ha...thats the exactly what my friend quoted for me :)

yeah, as i said i got no regret and when the time comes then be it :) moving on is part of newyear resolution in year 2006 :p

hmmmm its remind me about another quote from that particular friend of mine 'Don't make him as your priority while you are his option' sounds familiar , ya? :wink:

naruto no erosenin ka.

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Re: Thanks

Postby fefe » Sun, 15 Oct 2006 1:37 am

Taos wrote:Thank you all who replied. My problem has always been 'premature' bonding to one person. We have only been together for two months.. he has told me long term and permanence are not his forte.. Ok so i know you will all be asking .. "good god woman are you a masochist?"

He is really very adorable.. funny, affectionate and has so many sweet qualities.

Anyway.. all the advice given is good,, and i will really not just think about it but IMPLEMENT them!! I think my loneliness and self imposed 'exile' makes me clingy and desperate... so i signed up for some exercise (yes WIMH.. my figure does need some trimming right now!). I am actuallysomeone who is very sociable and vibrant.. but there's a part of me inside that has some 'issues' with being 'noticed' by men. (long story!)

Ive also told all the people i meet that i would like to socialise more and have asked them to invite me for any parties they plan to have. Told all my male friends to introduce me to single men.

And most of all .. i have to work on my own mindset and attitude, my self worth etc....and . give him space and freedom.


Good to know that you have sort of seen some light now. It is clearly true that in order for other people to love you, you must love yourself first. Be nice to yourself, open up your options, look further ahead. Five years down the road, your dilemma today may seem insignificant, and this man may be someone inconsequential, whoever he is. You may look back and have a good laugh at yourself. Whatever will be, will be... look at Prince Charles and Camilla. They are together now after all... :)


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