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Bafana
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No money, no honey, no more

Postby Bafana » Wed, 11 Aug 2004 1:48 pm

Neil Humphreys writes a humour column for Weekend Today every Saturday - Extracted from the Today Paper 9/8/2004


No money, no honey, no more

It's time to say goodbye to the ang moh con artists

THERE have now been several changes in leadership. Some were considered benign: Others more costly, with the man on the street feeling the pinch.
.
But no one really cares who calls the shots as long as life continues with little disruption.
.
I'm referring, of course, to the high turnover of bars in Boat Quay.
.
For many of my ang moh brethren here, little else matters. As long as there is cheap beer and fast women, or preferably, fast beer and cheap women, why should they care who rules the roost in the Istana?
.
Yes, I'm still about as popular with the Padang party people as Nick Leeson is around the banking authorities.
.
But as we move from one Prime Minister to another, there remains a sizable group of expats who are stuck in a previous era – the Stamford Raffles era where the gins were cool, the sideburns were long and the wives were oblivious.
.
Of course, the governing powers want foreign talent and that kind of ang moh breeds local resentment.
.
So, Singaporeans must endure those patronising "expatriate features" in major newspapers now and again.
.
Smiling expats are churned out, and in their best kindergarten voices, say: "I love Singapore because it is clean. And it is green. And it is safe. And it has nice food. And its people are nice. And its government is nice."
.
For some, this can be translated into: "I'm here because the economy in my country is crap and/or I'm crap at my job. But, I have a degree in bullshit and I'm an A1 conman. I'll be a loyal employee until my own country or China offers more money.
.
"Now, where can I find the seven floors of whores?"
.
Not every expat can be described in this fashion. That would be irresponsible stereotyping.
.
In eight years, I must have met at least four ang mohs who didn't fall into this category.
.
An exaggeration? Last month, I was in Portugal for Euro 2004 and a well-known British TV producer boasted: "I worked in Singapore back in the 90s.
.
"Slept with more women in three months than I have in my entire life."
.
He then described his sexual conquests in graphic detail, which was entertaining because he was a major contender for the ugliest man on the planet.
.
Built like a stick insect, with nostrils that could catch small birds, he had a face like a smacked arse.
.
Which was rather apt because he spent most of his time talking out of it.
.
Sceptics could argue that he was a by-product of the early 90's — a time of expat packages and condos with an SPG in every room.
.
But post-Sars, expats have been super downsized. Employed on local terms, they are more socially aware now, right?
.
Not quite.
.
In Malaysia recently, I encountered an ang moh who was a major contender for the stupidest man on the planet.
.
Standing among Sabah's orangutans, it was difficult to pick him out from the crowd.
.
One ape made funny noises and scratched his anatomy. The other was the orangutan.
.
But this sweaty sotong was no ambassador for foreign talent.
.
After a tiring day of trekking, he said: "Maybe we should get a local to do the walking for us, ha! South-east Asians are so cheap, you can get them to do anything for peanuts."
.
The peanuts reference was interesting because one suspects that, along with bananas, they made up most of his diet.
.
And it's questionable what these folks actually offer to Singaporean society.
.
The network of bored expat housewives seems to be expanding and you have to wonder if Singapore Immigration might not have granted green cards to something more productive.
.
Like a tortoise.
.
A British expat wife once stopped me and said: "I liked what you wrote about maid abuse. It's terrible how many hours they're forced to work."
.
She was right, of course, but she then conceded she employed a maid, even though she had neither a job nor children. And she also required the services of a personal trainer.
.
I was desperate to shout: "What do you need a maid for? Ditch the expensive trainer, mop your own bloody floor and watch those extra pounds on your bum just fall off. It's a revolutionary new diet. It's called housework.
.
"And yes, your bum does look big in those leggings."
.
As we move into the Lee Hsien Loong era, I'm not suggesting western expats give up their maids, condos and trips to Orchard Towers.
.
But certain ang mohs could integrate more into the society that pays for that lifestyle.
.
Undoubtedly, many do appreciate that Singaporeans are not paying them peanuts.
.
But there remains a blur minority whose actions suggest we should be throwing them peanuts.
.
Neil Humphreys writes a humour column for Weekend Today every Saturday
It's time to say goodbye to the ang moh con artists

THERE have now been several changes in leadership. Some were considered benign: Others more costly, with the man on the street feeling the pinch.
.
But no one really cares who calls the shots as long as life continues with little disruption.
.
I'm referring, of course, to the high turnover of bars in Boat Quay.
.
For many of my ang moh brethren here, little else matters. As long as there is cheap beer and fast women, or preferably, fast beer and cheap women, why should they care who rules the roost in the Istana?
.
Yes, I'm still about as popular with the Padang party people as Nick Leeson is around the banking authorities.
.
But as we move from one Prime Minister to another, there remains a sizable group of expats who are stuck in a previous era – the Stamford Raffles era where the gins were cool, the sideburns were long and the wives were oblivious.
.
Of course, the governing powers want foreign talent and that kind of ang moh breeds local resentment.
.
So, Singaporeans must endure those patronising "expatriate features" in major newspapers now and again.
.
Smiling expats are churned out, and in their best kindergarten voices, say: "I love Singapore because it is clean. And it is green. And it is safe. And it has nice food. And its people are nice. And its government is nice."
.
For some, this can be translated into: "I'm here because the economy in my country is crap and/or I'm crap at my job. But, I have a degree in bullshit and I'm an A1 conman. I'll be a loyal employee until my own country or China offers more money.
.
"Now, where can I find the seven floors of whores?"
.
Not every expat can be described in this fashion. That would be irresponsible stereotyping.
.
In eight years, I must have met at least four ang mohs who didn't fall into this category.
.
An exaggeration? Last month, I was in Portugal for Euro 2004 and a well-known British TV producer boasted: "I worked in Singapore back in the 90s.
.
"Slept with more women in three months than I have in my entire life."
.
He then described his sexual conquests in graphic detail, which was entertaining because he was a major contender for the ugliest man on the planet.
.
Built like a stick insect, with nostrils that could catch small birds, he had a face like a smacked arse.
.
Which was rather apt because he spent most of his time talking out of it.
.
Sceptics could argue that he was a by-product of the early 90's — a time of expat packages and condos with an SPG in every room.
.
But post-Sars, expats have been super downsized. Employed on local terms, they are more socially aware now, right?
.
Not quite.
.
In Malaysia recently, I encountered an ang moh who was a major contender for the stupidest man on the planet.
.
Standing among Sabah's orangutans, it was difficult to pick him out from the crowd.
.
One ape made funny noises and scratched his anatomy. The other was the orangutan.
.
But this sweaty sotong was no ambassador for foreign talent.
.
After a tiring day of trekking, he said: "Maybe we should get a local to do the walking for us, ha! South-east Asians are so cheap, you can get them to do anything for peanuts."
.
The peanuts reference was interesting because one suspects that, along with bananas, they made up most of his diet.
.
And it's questionable what these folks actually offer to Singaporean society.
.
The network of bored expat housewives seems to be expanding and you have to wonder if Singapore Immigration might not have granted green cards to something more productive.
.
Like a tortoise.
.
A British expat wife once stopped me and said: "I liked what you wrote about maid abuse. It's terrible how many hours they're forced to work."
.
She was right, of course, but she then conceded she employed a maid, even though she had neither a job nor children. And she also required the services of a personal trainer.
.
I was desperate to shout: "What do you need a maid for? Ditch the expensive trainer, mop your own bloody floor and watch those extra pounds on your bum just fall off. It's a revolutionary new diet. It's called housework.
.
"And yes, your bum does look big in those leggings."
.
As we move into the Lee Hsien Loong era, I'm not suggesting western expats give up their maids, condos and trips to Orchard Towers.
.
But certain ang mohs could integrate more into the society that pays for that lifestyle.
.
Undoubtedly, many do appreciate that Singaporeans are not paying them peanuts.
.
But there remains a blur minority whose actions suggest we should be throwing them peanuts.
.
Neil Humphreys writes a humour column for Weekend Today every Saturday It's time to say goodbye to the ang moh con artists

THERE have now been several changes in leadership. Some were considered benign: Others more costly, with the man on the street feeling the pinch.
.
But no one really cares who calls the shots as long as life continues with little disruption.
.
I'm referring, of course, to the high turnover of bars in Boat Quay.
.
For many of my ang moh brethren here, little else matters. As long as there is cheap beer and fast women, or preferably, fast beer and cheap women, why should they care who rules the roost in the Istana?
.
Yes, I'm still about as popular with the Padang party people as Nick Leeson is around the banking authorities.
.
But as we move from one Prime Minister to another, there remains a sizable group of expats who are stuck in a previous era – the Stamford Raffles era where the gins were cool, the sideburns were long and the wives were oblivious.
.
Of course, the governing powers want foreign talent and that kind of ang moh breeds local resentment.
.
So, Singaporeans must endure those patronising "expatriate features" in major newspapers now and again.
.
Smiling expats are churned out, and in their best kindergarten voices, say: "I love Singapore because it is clean. And it is green. And it is safe. And it has nice food. And its people are nice. And its government is nice."
.
For some, this can be translated into: "I'm here because the economy in my country is crap and/or I'm crap at my job. But, I have a degree in bullshit and I'm an A1 conman. I'll be a loyal employee until my own country or China offers more money.
.
"Now, where can I find the seven floors of whores?"
.
Not every expat can be described in this fashion. That would be irresponsible stereotyping.
.
In eight years, I must have met at least four ang mohs who didn't fall into this category.
.
An exaggeration? Last month, I was in Portugal for Euro 2004 and a well-known British TV producer boasted: "I worked in Singapore back in the 90s.
.
"Slept with more women in three months than I have in my entire life."
.
He then described his sexual conquests in graphic detail, which was entertaining because he was a major contender for the ugliest man on the planet.
.
Built like a stick insect, with nostrils that could catch small birds, he had a face like a smacked arse.
.
Which was rather apt because he spent most of his time talking out of it.
.
Sceptics could argue that he was a by-product of the early 90's — a time of expat packages and condos with an SPG in every room.
.
But post-Sars, expats have been super downsized. Employed on local terms, they are more socially aware now, right?
.
Not quite.
.
In Malaysia recently, I encountered an ang moh who was a major contender for the stupidest man on the planet.
.
Standing among Sabah's orangutans, it was difficult to pick him out from the crowd.
.
One ape made funny noises and scratched his anatomy. The other was the orangutan.
.
But this sweaty sotong was no ambassador for foreign talent.
.
After a tiring day of trekking, he said: "Maybe we should get a local to do the walking for us, ha! South-east Asians are so cheap, you can get them to do anything for peanuts."
.
The peanuts reference was interesting because one suspects that, along with bananas, they made up most of his diet.
.
And it's questionable what these folks actually offer to Singaporean society.
.
The network of bored expat housewives seems to be expanding and you have to wonder if Singapore Immigration might not have granted green cards to something more productive.
.
Like a tortoise.
.
A British expat wife once stopped me and said: "I liked what you wrote about maid abuse. It's terrible how many hours they're forced to work."
.
She was right, of course, but she then conceded she employed a maid, even though she had neither a job nor children. And she also required the services of a personal trainer.
.
I was desperate to shout: "What do you need a maid for? Ditch the expensive trainer, mop your own bloody floor and watch those extra pounds on your bum just fall off. It's a revolutionary new diet. It's called housework.
.
"And yes, your bum does look big in those leggings."
.
As we move into the Lee Hsien Loong era, I'm not suggesting western expats give up their maids, condos and trips to Orchard Towers.
.
But certain ang mohs could integrate more into the society that pays for that lifestyle.
.
Undoubtedly, many do appreciate that Singaporeans are not paying them peanuts.
.
But there remains a blur minority whose actions suggest we should be throwing them peanuts.
.
Neil Humphreys writes a humour column for Weekend Today every Saturday It's time to say goodbye to the ang moh con artists

THERE have now been several changes in leadership. Some were considered benign: Others more costly, with the man on the street feeling the pinch.
.
But no one really cares who calls the shots as long as life continues with little disruption.
.
I'm referring, of course, to the high turnover of bars in Boat Quay.
.
For many of my ang moh brethren here, little else matters. As long as there is cheap beer and fast women, or preferably, fast beer and cheap women, why should they care who rules the roost in the Istana?
.
Yes, I'm still about as popular with the Padang party people as Nick Leeson is around the banking authorities.
.
But as we move from one Prime Minister to another, there remains a sizable group of expats who are stuck in a previous era – the Stamford Raffles era where the gins were cool, the sideburns were long and the wives were oblivious.
.
Of course, the governing powers want foreign talent and that kind of ang moh breeds local resentment.
.
So, Singaporeans must endure those patronising "expatriate features" in major newspapers now and again.
.
Smiling expats are churned out, and in their best kindergarten voices, say: "I love Singapore because it is clean. And it is green. And it is safe. And it has nice food. And its people are nice. And its government is nice."
.
For some, this can be translated into: "I'm here because the economy in my country is crap and/or I'm crap at my job. But, I have a degree in bullshit and I'm an A1 conman. I'll be a loyal employee until my own country or China offers more money.
.
"Now, where can I find the seven floors of whores?"
.
Not every expat can be described in this fashion. That would be irresponsible stereotyping.
.
In eight years, I must have met at least four ang mohs who didn't fall into this category.
.
An exaggeration? Last month, I was in Portugal for Euro 2004 and a well-known British TV producer boasted: "I worked in Singapore back in the 90s.
.
"Slept with more women in three months than I have in my entire life."
.
He then described his sexual conquests in graphic detail, which was entertaining because he was a major contender for the ugliest man on the planet.
.
Built like a stick insect, with nostrils that could catch small birds, he had a face like a smacked arse.
.
Which was rather apt because he spent most of his time talking out of it.
.
Sceptics could argue that he was a by-product of the early 90's — a time of expat packages and condos with an SPG in every room.
.
But post-Sars, expats have been super downsized. Employed on local terms, they are more socially aware now, right?
.
Not quite.
.
In Malaysia recently, I encountered an ang moh who was a major contender for the stupidest man on the planet.
.
Standing among Sabah's orangutans, it was difficult to pick him out from the crowd.
.
One ape made funny noises and scratched his anatomy. The other was the orangutan.
.
But this sweaty sotong was no ambassador for foreign talent.
.
After a tiring day of trekking, he said: "Maybe we should get a local to do the walking for us, ha! South-east Asians are so cheap, you can get them to do anything for peanuts."
.
The peanuts reference was interesting because one suspects that, along with bananas, they made up most of his diet.
.
And it's questionable what these folks actually offer to Singaporean society.
.
The network of bored expat housewives seems to be expanding and you have to wonder if Singapore Immigration might not have granted green cards to something more productive.
.
Like a tortoise.
.
A British expat wife once stopped me and said: "I liked what you wrote about maid abuse. It's terrible how many hours they're forced to work."
.
She was right, of course, but she then conceded she employed a maid, even though she had neither a job nor children. And she also required the services of a personal trainer.
.
I was desperate to shout: "What do you need a maid for? Ditch the expensive trainer, mop your own bloody floor and watch those extra pounds on your bum just fall off. It's a revolutionary new diet. It's called housework.
.
"And yes, your bum does look big in those leggings."
.
As we move into the Lee Hsien Loong era, I'm not suggesting western expats give up their maids, condos and trips to Orchard Towers.
.
But certain ang mohs could integrate more into the society that pays for that lifestyle.
.
Undoubtedly, many do appreciate that Singaporeans are not paying them peanuts.
.
But there remains a blur minority whose actions suggest we should be throwing them peanuts.
.

User avatar
Bafana
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 1393
Joined: Sun, 11 Apr 2004
Location: Singapore

Postby Bafana » Wed, 11 Aug 2004 1:51 pm

I have got to say this is the same sort of xenophobic cat trap regurgitated by half witted Singaporean racists given creedance only because it was an Ang Mo turning on his own... :shock:

Well done - I though the article took the piss out of certain Singaporean rhetoric nicely :wink:

User avatar
PhantomX
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Posts: 187
Joined: Tue, 09 Sep 2003

Xenophobia in reverse?

Postby PhantomX » Wed, 11 Aug 2004 4:31 pm

Ang moh turning on his own?
Xenophobia in reverse.
That's an interesting one :!:

Bubbles

Neil Humphries article

Postby Bubbles » Wed, 11 Aug 2004 5:18 pm

I read Mr Humphrey's article with some interest. I say some, but not much. Talk about cheap asides and hackneyed descriptions and rather dated word pictures of expat workers and their partners.....Mr Humphreys seems to think 'partner' in this context consists soley of 'wife.' Does he not move in circles where both partners work? Strange. The article, as far as I can tell, consists of what the gentleman obviously thinks are tittilating naughtinesses to grab the more staid readers' attentions. (e.g. Seven floors of whores, face like a smacked arse and your bum does look big in those leggings) Oh yawn, yawn!!

It does no favours to his own kind, and paints the majority of expats, who yes, do enjoy life here, but are also socially aware. Not all of us are club going, maid harrassing, empty headed bimbos Mr Humphreys. Go research the percentage of educational qualifications of these 'wives' you so vilify. And maybe the amount of charity work the same 'ladies' work at.

Stop slagging your own kind off, for God's sake.


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