Jokes and some more.....

[dudevinod]

http://viral.lycos.co.uk/attachments/39 ... lator2.htm

[batliwala]

OMG..............itne jaldi... the female version was cool & everlasting one

[dudevinod]

A young Indian man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that
he is going to get married.

He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and
guess which one I'm going to marry."

The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them
down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay Ma, guess
which one I'm going to marry."

She immediately replies, "The one on the right." "That's amazing, Ma. You're
right. How did you Know?"





Scroll down for the answer...







.....Keep Scrolling...







The Indian mother replies, "I don't like her."

[dudevinod]

People in the airline industry aren't all serious...

1. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude And will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

2. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if You can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, alone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

10. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was Quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no,Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or Were we shot down?"

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on the horn, " Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we Hope you'll think of US Airways."

20. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude the Captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to flight number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD! Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I Scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

[dudevinod]

Rajiv and Mona are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly the Captain announces on the PA system,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing.
Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will
have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Rajiv turns to his wife and asks, "Mona, did we pay our Rs 5lakh deposit cheque yet to ICICI Bank?" "No dear," she responds. Rajiv, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Mona, did we pay our ICICI Bank Master card yet?" "Oh no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the cheque," she says. "One last thing, Mona. Did you remember to send cheques to ICICI for the auto loan this month?" he asks. "Oh, forgive me, Rajiv," begged Mona. "I didn't send that one, either."
Rajiv grabs her and gives her the biggest hug in 40 years. Mona pulls away and asks him, "What was that for..?"
Rajiv told her, " They'll find us!"

[dudevinod]

Thoda sa haans liya jaaye...J!!
>
>
> Santa asks: Who r u?
> Wife: How dare u forget ur wife?
> Santa: Nasha har gam ko bhula deta hai
> **********************************************************************
> ******
>
> Santa: Doctor, ye phulon ki mala kis ke liye?
> Doctor: Ye mera pehla operation hai, success hua to mere liye, nahi to

> tumhare liye.
> **********************************************************************
> ******
>
> Santa: Doc saab, mein Chashma laga ke pad to sakoonga?
> Doc: Haan, bilkul.
> Santa: To phir theek hai doc saab varna Anpad aadmi ki zindagi bhi koi

> zindagi hai.
> **********************************************************************
> ******
>
> Santa: Raat film main ek chudail kabhi mere aage, khabhi mere peechhe

> ghoom rahi thi...
> Jeeto: Koun si film thi ?
> Santa: Apni shaadi ki movie thi !
> **********************************************************************
> ******
>
> Santa joined NASA. After one month the Americans had to change the
> name from NASA to SATYANASA
> **********************************************************************
> ******
>
> Sadhu: Bachcha teri biwi ko chuddail chipak gayee hai. Upaaye karvaao.
> Banta: Upayaye? Baba, agar do behenein gale mil rahi hain to is mein
> harz hi kya hai ?
> **********************************************************************
> ******
>
> Santa was riding on a horse. He jumped the red light & a cop whistles.
> Santa lifts the tail of horse & says: 'Le Karle Number Note'
> **********************************************************************
> ******
>
> Santa: Itne kam marks? Do thappad marne chahiye.
> Pappu: Haan papa, chalo maine us saale master ka ghar bhi dekh rakha
hai.
> **********************************************************************
> ******
>
> Santa dials a number. A girl receives the call.
> Santa: Who r u? Girl: Seeta here.
> Santa: Maineto Chandigarhphone kiya tha, yeh to Ayodhya mil gaya
> **********************************************************************
> ******
>
> Santa went to battery shop n asked to change battery.
> The shopkeeper asked: Exide laga du?
> Santa: Dusri side tera baap lagayega kya?

[dudevinod]

This is very funny. All you computer dudes will love it!

http://www.markfiore.com/animation/messaging.html

[dudevinod]

Two Dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms.

The first Dwarf is unable to get an erection. His depression is compounded by the fact that from the next room he hears his little friend shouting out cries of, " Here I come again! One...two...three..uh!" all night long.

In the morning, the second Dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?"

"It was embarrassing," the first replies. "I simply couldn't get a hard-on"

The second Dwarf shakes his head. " You think that's embarrassing?" he asks. "I couldn't even get up on the bed."

[dudevinod]

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000,
and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."
The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her telling you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no bike!"

[dudevinod]

Colin Powell was passing a portrait of George Washington in the White
House one day, when the portrait came alive and asked "Hey Nigger, get
me a horse!".

Powell quickly rushed to Condeleza Rice and told her what happened.
Laughing, she nevertheless accompanied Powell to the portrait.

As nothing happened for a few minutes, they were turning away from the
portrait, when the portrait came alive again and demanded "Hey,
Niggers, where is my horse?".

Both Rice and Powell rushed to George Bush, who, laughing, nevertheless accompanied them to the portrait.

When nothing happened for a few minutes, they were turning away from
the portrait, when Washington once again came alive, threw up his
hands and exclaimed "Typical Niggers, I ask for a horse and they bring
me a jackass!"

[dudevinod]

THE CRUISE:
DEAR DIARY . DAY ONE
I am all packed and ready to get on the cruise ship. I've packed all my pretty dresses and make-up. I'm really excited.
______________________________________________________
DEAR DIARY . DAY TWO
We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful and we saw some whales and dolphins. What a wonderful vacation this has started to be. I met the Captain today and he seems like a very nice man.
______________________________________________________
DEAR DIARY . DAY THREE
I spent some time in the pool today. I also did some shuffle boarding and hit some golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. I felt honored and we had a wonderful time. He is a very attractive and attentive gentleman.
______________________________________________________
DEAR DIARY . DAY FOUR
Went to the ship's casino . did OK ... won about $80. The Captain invited me to have dinner with him in his state room. We had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. I told him there was no way I could be unfaithful to my husband.
______________________________________________________
DEAR DIARY .. DAY FIVE
Went back to the pool today and got a little sunburned. I decided to go to the piano bar and spend the rest of the day inside. The Captain saw me and bought me a couple of drinks. He really is a charming gentleman He again asked me to visit him for the night and again I declined. He told me that if I didn't let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was appalled.
______________________________________________________
DEAR DIARY . DAY SIX
I saved 1600 lives today... Twice.

[dudevinod]

Why is a joke like pussy?








Neither is any good if you don't get it.

[dudevinod]

One day Pebbles Flintstone was in bed with Fred and Wilma. They were
both naked. Pebbles sees Fred's penis and says, "Daddy, what's that?"
Fred says "Th-that's...um...that's daddy's rock."A little while later
Pebbles looks down and sees Wilma's vagina. "What's that, mommy?" she
asks. "Oh..that..that's mommy's rock grinder." All of a sudden
Pebbles sits up and says, "I get it! Daddy puts his rock into mommy's
rock grinder and out comes pebbles!"

[dudevinod]

The Matchmaker goes to see Mr. Avery, a confirmed bachelor for many
years. "Mr. Avery, don't leave it too late.
I have exactly the one
you need. You only have to say the word and you'll meet and be
married in no time!" says the Matchmaker.

"Don't bother," replies Mr.
Avery, "I've two sisters at home who look after all my needs."

"That's all well and good, but all the sisters in the world cannot
fill the role of a wife."

"I said 'two sisters'. I didn't say they
were mine."

[dudevinod]

man came up with a new invention, a vibrating tampon. That way a
woman can be at her best when she is at her worst.

What is the difference between a girl in church and a girl in the bath ?
One has a soul full of hope.

The photographer brought his attractive assistant into the dark room
to see what would develop. (Harvey C. Gordon)

We just heard about the street cleaner who got fired because he
couldn't keep his mind in the gutter.

Why did the blonde pull her Dildo out before she came?
She wasn't on the pill.

What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a girl fat?
Almond Joy candy bar

OTHER HUMOR

There was a young man named Crockett
Whose balls got caught in a socket.
His wife was a bitch,
And she threw the switch,
And Crockett went off like a rocket

Head Start: Engaging in oral sex before intercourse

She was only a Optician''s daughter, but after a few of glasses she
made a spectacle of herself.