Jokes and some more.....

[batliwala]

[batliwala]

Check this out guys.....
This one was raped by own brother. No idea where this world is heading for!!!!!! No wonder they say it is "Kaliyug". Don't disgusting things are happening in this world every day. If you are a weak minded person, please do not see the attachment.
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Hehehehe.... Hillarious, isn't it??? :-


ha ha it should be a Fellatio than a Rape

[dudevinod]

A guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of house:
"Talking Dog For Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting
There. "You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I
Was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA
About my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to
Country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one
Figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most
Valuable spies for eight years running."
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting
Any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the
Airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious
Characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and
Was awarded a batch of medals."
"I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed.

He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling
Him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit."

[dudevinod]

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class
section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently
wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
Thinking nothing of it, the man went back to his reading. A few minutes
later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then
shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a
cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more
minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a
tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and
said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped
your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you okay?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you. I have a very rare medical condition;
whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have
never heard of that condition before," he said. "Are you taking
anything for it?"

The woman nodded. "Pepper."

[dudevinod]

A woman sends her clothing out to the Chinese laundry. When it came
back there were still stains in her panties.
The next week she encloses a note to the Chinese laundryman that
says, "Use more soap on panties."
This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note to
the laundry.
"Use more soap on panties." Finally fed up, the Chinese man
Responded with his own note that said,










-"Use more paper on ass."

[dudevinod]

There was a couple going at it for the first time, and after a while, the guy asks the woman to open her legs a little wider.
She does and they continue.

A few minutes go by and he tells her again, "Open your legs a little wider."

She does, then he says again, "A little wider, hon."

The woman starts getting pissed off but she does it.

This continues until he asks again, "Can you open them just a little wider?"

So she finally yells, "What are you trying to do; get your balls in too?"



He says "No, I'm trying to get them out."

[dudevinod]

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.



"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"



"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."



The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."



"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."



The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."



The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.



Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"



"1955, ma'am."



"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!" She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.



Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"



The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."



(Don't ya love military time!)

[dudevinod]

The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic water
mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on,
you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of
fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and
witness the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and
cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of
bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered
corn.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

[dudevinod]

An elderly man asked the local priest to hear his confession. "Father, during World War II a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son, and you have no need to confess." "It's worse, Father. I was weak and told her she must repay me with sexual favors," said the elderly man. "You were both in great danger," replied the priest. "You would have suffered terribly if the Germans had found her. Heaven, in its wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and evil, and judge you kindly. You are forgiven."

"Thank you, Father," said the elderly man, relieved. "That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question." "And what is that?" inquired the priest. "Should I tell her the war is over?" said the man.

[dudevinod]

Interviewer said, " I shall either ask you ten easy questions or one really difficult question. Think well before you make up your mind!"


The candidate thought for a while and said, " My choice is one really difficult question."
" Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice!" said the interviewer.

Here is your question: " What comes first, Day or Night?"

The boy was jolted into reality as his admission depended on the correctness of the answer to that one question. He thought for a while and said, " It's DAY sir !"


" How?" the interviewer asked.


" Sorry sir, you promised me that you will not ask me a SECOND difficult question!"


Moral : Technical Skill is the mastery of complexity, while Creativity is the mastery of simplicity

[dudevinod]

Arrested for laughing! This is from an actual trial in the UK:

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When She
noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on
account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more
amused. She moved again and then on her third move he burst out
laughing.

She had him arrested.

Then the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he
acted in such a manner. His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus

I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an
advertisement, which read: 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins'.

I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement,
> which
read: 'William's Stick Did The Trick'.

Then I could not control myself any longer when on the third move she
sat under an advertisement, which read: 'Dunlop Rubber would have
prevented this accident.'

The case was dismissed.........!!!!!!!!

[dudevinod]

My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned.
I couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it,
so they gave me the axe.

After that, I tried to be a Tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it -
mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

Next,I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.

Then, I tried to be a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life,
but I just didn't have the thyme.

I attempted to be a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it I couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was a Musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but I didn't have any patience.

Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. I tried but I just didn't fit.

I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

I managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company,
but the work was just too draining.

So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian -
until I realized there was no future in it.

My last job was working in Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same
old grind.

SO, I TRIED RETIREMENT AND FOUND THAT I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!

[dudevinod]

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

Rodney Dangerfield


"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
Lynn Lavner


"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." Camille Paglia


"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant."

George Burns


"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."

Sharon Stone


"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."

Tiger Woods


"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."

Jack Nicholson


" Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."

Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think
Barbara had a sense of humor)


"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."

Robin Williams


"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need! a place"

Billy Crystal


"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."

Robert De Niro


"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"

Dustin Hoffman



"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."

Robin Williams


"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties! up whom."

Joan Rivers


"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked !"

Jerry Seinfeld


"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy."

Steve Martin


" You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life."

Elmo Phillips
!

" Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."

Oscar Wilde


" It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."

George Burns

[dudevinod]

She is in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast:

He walks in. She turns and says, "You've got to make love to me -- this very moment."

His eyes light up and he thinks, This is my lucky day.

Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraces her and then gives it his all on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she says, "Thanks," and returns to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, he asks, "What was that all about?"

She explains, "The egg timer's broken."

[dudevinod]

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man
reading a book,and noticed he had
his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why
he wore his collar that way.



The man, who was a priest, said, " I am a
Father."



The little boy replied, "My daddy doesn't wear
his collar like that."



The priest looked up from his book and answered
"I am the Father of many."



The boy said, "My dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two
grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that
way."



The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the
Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his
book.



The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while,
then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear
; your pants backwards instead of your collar. "