Jokes and some more.....

[bunty]

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Got this thru an email...worth sharing.

Memo to all employees:

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T).

We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T on the course, please see your supervisor. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T list and our supervisors are especially skilled at seeing you get all the S.H.I.T you can handle.

Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T)..

Those who fail to take D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T.S.H.I.T).

Since our supervisors took S.H.I.T before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T already. If you are full of S.H.I.T you may be interested in a job teaching others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LIST of LEADERS (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T).

For employees who are intending to pursue a career in management and consulting, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T). This course emphasizes how to manage M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T

If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T.S.H.I.T).

Thank you,

BOSS IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G.S.H.I.T)

P.S. Now send this S.H.I.T to 5 people who need S.H.I.T in their life, just not the same person who sent you this S.H.I.T. They have already had their fill of S.H.I.T.

Thank you for your time. !

Sincerely,

The Director Under the Main Bureau of Super High Intensity Training. (The D.U.M.B.S.H.I.T).

[maddyks]

Thought I posted the previous one. Anyway funny always ha ha ha

http://www.wackyvids.com/movies/cartoon ... mation.php

Pretty cool.

[maddyks]

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

[batliwala]

Am sure you all know how the concept of 'evil eye' or buri nazar
And how they do poojas, burn broomsticks etc.. to ward off the buri nazar...
And have you realised how often they keep removing the buri nazar that girls are so prone to have? And how rarely the guys are subjected to the 'buri nazar'.
That is because we guys have an advantage

We come with a package of two lemons and one chilli to ward off all nazar :p

[batliwala]

will ya marry me? [guys read on... hope u'd like it]

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this thingy contains real advertisements from shaadi.com with some comments added

- Hello To Viewvers My Name is Rajini, I am single i dont have male, If
any one whant to marrie to me u can visite to my home. I am not a good
education but i working all field in bangalroe.. if u like me u welcome to my
heart...when ever u whant to meet pls viset my resident or send u letter..
Thanks
yours Regards Rajini ~*~
(she dont have any male. someone please donate her)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
i want very simple boy. from brahmin educated family from orissa state
she is also know about RAMAYAN, GEETA BHAGABATA, and other homework
(you havent done any Homework? you are a bad boy. now goto my room)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wants a man who knows me better and can adjust with me forever. he may
never create any difficulties in my life or his life by which the entire life
can run smoothly. thank you
(The principle of running life smoothly was never so easy!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
he should be good looking and should have a service. he Shoulsd have one
brother and one sister. he should be educated.
(ain't it unique !! 1 brother 1 sister criteria !)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am a happy-go-lucky kind of person. Enjoys every moments of life. I
love to make friendship. Becauese friendship is a first step of love. I am
looking for my dreamboy who will love me more than i. Because i love
myself a lot. If u think that is u then why to late come on ........
hold my hand forever !!!
(The dilwale dulhaniya effect)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
i am simple girl.I have lot ofproblemin mylife because ofmylucknow i
amlooking oneboyhe caremeandloveme lot lot lot
(I don't know why but this is one of my favorites)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My husband should be as 'Shiva' as in Kahani Ghar Ghar Ki and as Tanwerr
as in KSBKBT......
(wtf?)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
i want a boy with no drinks if he wants he can wear jeans in house but
while steping out of house he should give recpect to our cast
(respect the cast by removing jeans when you step outta the house!!!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HYE I AM A GOOD LOKING GIRL,WHO HAS THE CAPABILITY TO MAKE ANY BODY TO
LOUGH.I BELIEVE IN GOD AND ACCORDING TO ME FRIENDS ARE THE REAL
MESSENGER OF GOD. THE 3 THINGS I AM LOOKING FROM A BOY ,THEY ARE 1.THEY MUST BELIEVE
IN GOD.2. THEY HAVE TO LIKE MY PROFFESION AND THEY SHOULD NOT GET BORED
WITH ME WHEN I WILL TRY TO MAKE THEM LOUGH.
(i believe loughing is good for health)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
whatever he may be but he should feel that he is going to be someone
groom and he must think of the future life if he is toolike this he would bde
called the man of the lamp
(try a different planet baby)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
i love my patner i marriage the patner ok i search my patner and i love
the patner ok thik hai the patner has a graduate ok
(ok.got point)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HI IAM VERY COOL NUATHER OK MY HOBBY IS SEE T.V AND NEWS OK I HAVE 1 CAR
AND 1 BONWL OK MY MOTHER ALSO GOOD OK MY FARUET WORLD IS OK
(cool "nuather" ? mother ? another? smother ?)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
iam pranati my family histoy my two brother two sister and fater&mother
sister complity marred
(poor sis is completely marred !)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
iam very simpel and hanest. i have three sister one brother and parent.
i am doing postal sarvice and tailor master my original resdence at
kalahandi diste naw iam staing at rayagada dist.
(watcha doing babe ? postal ? tailor ? or mastering your original resdence?)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
my name is farhanbegum and i am unmarried. pleaes you marrige me pleaes
pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes
(far far beghum is desperate )
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Iwant one boy who love me or my mother. he love me heartly or he havea
frank he's skin colour 'normal'not a black or not a whitey. IThink the main
think is heart if your heart is beautiful then you are beautiful.
but iam not a handsome girl or not a good looking. but my Mom say that Iam a
good girl. My father already expired . iam ''AEKLAUTA''. THE CHOICE IS
YOUR.
bye bye.
(uttama purishinin)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
iam kanandevi. i do owo businas.one sistar.he was marred.
(good. do mind own businas. sister was marred again ?)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I AM LITTLE FAIR INDIAN COLOUR. I DON'T HAVE ANY HABIT.
(little indian has no habits)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
hello i am a good charactarised woman. i want to run my life happily.i
divorced my first husband.his charactor is not good'. i expect the good
minded and clean habits boy who may be in the same caste or other caste
accepted ...
(but credit cards not accepted.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
my colour is black,but my heart is white.i like social service
(a large hearted Zebra.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
i'm looking out for who lives in bombay, boy simple who trust me lot
should be roman catholic, LOVE ME ONLY.
(Now that criterion is a must, isn't it?)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
to be married on jan-2005. working man perferable
(this girl has fixed the marriage date. you are all invited. as a present please bring the groom.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
i would like a beautyfull boy. and i do not want his any treasure.
because boy is the maharaja.
(how about maharaja of calcutta , sourav ganguly ?)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ssc failed three times and worked with privated ltd company which not
paying salary at present.
(Any takers again?)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[batliwala]

Cartoon Laws of Physics

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Cartoon Law I
Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation.
Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes over.


Cartoon Law II
Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly.
Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooge's surcease.


Cartoon Law III
Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter.
Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.


Cartoon Law IV
The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.
Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it inevitably unsuccessful.


Cartoon Law V
All principles of gravity are negated by fear.
Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.


Cartoon Law VI
As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.
This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled.

A wacky character has the option of self-replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.


Cartoon Law VII
Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot.
This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space.

The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science.


Cartoon Law VIII
Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.
Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify.


Corollary:
A cat will assume the shape of its container.

Cartoon Law IX
Everything falls faster than an anvil.

Cartoon Law X
For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance.
This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of watching it happen to a duck instead.


Cartoon Law Amendment A
A sharp object will always propel a character upward.
When poked (usually in the buttocks) with a sharp object (usually a pin), a character will defy gravity by shooting straight up, with great velocity.


Cartoon Law Amendment B
The laws of object permanence are nullified for "cool" characters.
Characters who are intended to be "cool" can make previously nonexistent objects appear from behind their backs at will. For instance, the Road Runner can materialize signs to express himself without speaking.


Cartoon Law Amendment C
Explosive weapons cannot cause fatal injuries.
They merely turn characters temporarily black and smokey.


Cartoon Law Amendment D
Gravity is transmitted by slow-moving waves of large wavelengths.
Their operation can be wittnessed by observing the behavior of a canine suspended over a large vertical drop. Its feet will begin to fall first, causing its legs to stretch. As the wave reaches its torso, that part will begin to fall, causing the neck to strech. As the head begins to fall, tension is released and the canine will resume its regular proportions until such time as it strikes the ground.


Cartoon Law Amendment E
Dynamite is spontaneously generated in "C-spaces" (spaces in which cartoon laws hold).
The process is analogous to steady-state theories of the universe which postulated that the tensions involved in maintaining a space would cause the creation of hydrogen from nothing. Dynamite quanta are quite large (stick sized) and unstable (lit). Such quanta are attracted to psychic forces generated by feelings of distress in "cool" characters (see Amendment B, which may be a special case of this law), who are able to use said quanta to their advantage. One may imagine C-spaces where all matter and energy result from primal masses of dynamite exploding. A big bang indeed

[maddyks]

Two nuns were in back of the convent smoking cigarettes, when one said "It's bad enough that we have to sneak out here to smoke, but it really is a problem getting rid of the cigarette butts so that Mother Superior doesn't find them."

The second nun said, "I've found a marvelous invention called the condom, which works really well for this problem. You just open the packet up, take out the condom, and put the cigarette butt in, roll it up, and dispose of it all later!" The first nun was quite impressed and asked where she could find them. "You get them at the drug store, sister, just go and ask the pharmacist for them."

The next day the good sister went to the drug store and walked up to the counter. "Good morning sister," said the pharmacist. "What can I do for you today?" "I'd like some condoms please" said the nun. The pharmacist was a little taken aback, but recovered soon enough and asked, "How many boxes would you like -- there are twelve to a box." "I'll take six boxes, that should last about a week" said the nun.

The pharmacist was truly flabbergasted by this time, and was almost afraid to ask any more questions, but his professionalism prevailed and he asked in a clear voice, "Sister, what size condoms would you like? We have large, extra large, and the big liar size." The sister thought for a minute, and finally said, "I'm not certain, perhaps you could recommend a good size for a Camel?"

The pharmacist fainted.

[batliwala]

Two nuns were in back of the convent smoking cigarettes, when one said "It's bad enough that we have to sneak out here to smoke, but it really is a problem getting rid of the cigarette butts so that Mother Superior doesn't find them."

The second nun said, "I've found a marvelous invention called the condom, which works really well for this problem. You just open the packet up, take out the condom, and put the cigarette butt in, roll it up, and dispose of it all later!" The first nun was quite impressed and asked where she could find them. "You get them at the drug store, sister, just go and ask the pharmacist for them."

The next day the good sister went to the drug store and walked up to the counter. "Good morning sister," said the pharmacist. "What can I do for you today?" "I'd like some condoms please" said the nun. The pharmacist was a little taken aback, but recovered soon enough and asked, "How many boxes would you like -- there are twelve to a box." "I'll take six boxes, that should last about a week" said the nun.

The pharmacist was truly flabbergasted by this time, and was almost afraid to ask any more questions, but his professionalism prevailed and he asked in a clear voice, "Sister, what size condoms would you like? We have large, extra large, and the big liar size." The sister thought for a minute, and finally said, "I'm not certain, perhaps you could recommend a good size for a Camel?"

The pharmacist fainted.

Mu ha ha ha nice one Maddy...

[batliwala]

Don`t Rub It
One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone handwritten the word 'penis' in tiny small letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face.

Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class. The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word 'penis' again on the black board.

Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.

Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same word written on the board, each day's word, larger than the previous day's word.

Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words, "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"

[batliwala]

Innocent Bride
One day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. He was a man of the world. She was an innocent bride with no experience.

After the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road, the new bride sees two cows having sex. She asks, "What are them cows up to honey?"

The husband, a bit flustered, answers, "Why can't you see? Them cows, they're roping!"

She replies, "Oh, I see!"

After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex.

Again the bride asks, "What are them horses doing honey?"

The husband answers again, "Them horses, they're roping!"

She replies, "Oh, I see!"

Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they start to explore each other's bodies. Things are going along fine until the bride discovers her husband's penis.

"Oh my!" she cries, "What is that?"

"Well, darling'" he chuckles proudly, "That's my rope!"

She slides her hands down further and gasps, "Oh my goodness! What are those?" she asks.

"Honey, those're my knots!" he answers.

Finally the couple begins to make love. After several minutes the bride says, "Stop honey, wait a minute!"

Her husband, panting a little, asks, "What's the matter honey, am I hurting you?"

"No," the bride replies, "undo them damn knots, I need more rope!"

[batliwala]

Right rhythm !
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent`s house to visit her 95 year oldgrandmother and comfort her.
When she ask how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "and if that damned ice cream truck hadn`t come along, he`d still be alive today!"

[batliwala]

Fondling Fingers
A typical married couple was lying in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready to go to sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book.

As he was reading, he paused and reached over to his wife and started fondling her "kitty". He did this only for a very short while. Then he would stop, and resume reading his book.

The wife gradually became aroused with this. Thinking that her husband was seeking some response as encouragement, before going any further, she got up and started stripping in front of him.

The husband confused, asked, "What are you doing taking all your clothes off?"

The wife replied, "You were playing with my "kitty", I thought it was foreplay to stimulate making love with you tonight. The husband said, "No, not at all."

Then the wife asked, "Well what the hell were you doing then?"

To which the husband replied, "I was wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in the book."

[batliwala]

Size matters!
A young girl comes home to her mother's house and informs her that she is engaged to be married.
She says, "Mother, he's wonderful. He's rich beyond our wildest dreams. He has homes in the south of France, Beverly Hills, New York, and about a dozen other cities. He has a 200 ft yacht, Ferraris, Rolls Royces, and a jet airplane. There is only one problem....he says he really likes anal sex, and I know how you feel about that"
The mother says, "Well I don't know dear. I'm only thinking of your happiness. I'm not sure a man like this will make you happy".
The daughter replies, "Yes but if I marry him, you will never want for another thing as long as you live."
The mother considers this and finally agrees to allow them to marry.
They are married shortly thereafter and go off to their honeymoon. During their honeymoon the mother receives a new house, a new car, and a sizeable pension every month from her new son-in-law.
Six months later the daughter returns from her honeymoon and she is mad as hell. She fumes, kicks furniture and swears she wants a divorce. Her mother asks her why she is so angry.
"Mother, I want a divorce. The man is an animal. All he ever wants is anal sex. All day, every day. It's constant. Mother do you know that before I was married, my sphincter was the size of a penny, and now it's as big as a silver dollar!"
The mother considers this for a minute and says, "I think you should reconsider dear. Do you really want me to give all this up for a measly 99 cents?"

[batliwala]

Knockout Plan !
A young lady decided wanted to get rich quick, so she proceeded to find herself a rich 75-year-old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night.
The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference. The first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed.
When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a condom to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of nose plugs.
Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, "What are those for?"
The elderly groom replied, "There are two things I can`t stand: the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber."

[batliwala]

Teasing the Gorilla!
It`s a beautiful warm day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She`s wearing a cute loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the beast goes crazy. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand and his feet, grunting and pounding his chest with his free hand. The gorilla is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, proposes that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does, and the gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall. She does, and the gorilla is just about to tear the bars down.
"Now try lifting your dress up your thighs."
This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy. Suddenly, the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the cage door, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the door shut.
"Now, tell HIM you have a headache!!!"