Critical, Judgemental and has nothing nice to say...

[Lost]

reccently my husband came home with a personality test from one of the top personality profile agency. I did the test and one of my weakness was that I was critical and judgemental. Since the test, my husband has been using those words against me when I questioned his suggestion.. it has been unbearable.

I want to know when does questioning a suggestion becomes critical and judgemental? One example was: he suggested that we drove his parents to cameron highland for a short holiday, my initial reaction upon hearing was: "wow, so far lah... in a car". He of course said, " Why are you so critical! Why cant you say something nice?" I shut up. Was it a wrong reaction? Isnt it true that it is a far drive? How would you react? Tell me please what should I do to prevent being considered critical and judgemental. Dont know what to say anymore!

[Wind In My Hair]

it is a common problem and i myself have been guilty of it, though in recent years i've become more conscious and tried to change.

when one person makes a suggestion and your first comment is unsupportive, it can be taken badly. the truth of the comment is irrelevant. most people react with emotion, not logic. besides, i could point out that the drive to cameron highlands is a short journey compared to driving to thailand or flying to europe.

perhaps you could try affirming him first, and possibly adding your own suggestion later. something like "it's nice of you to think about taking your parents on holiday" or "your parents are lucky to have a son like you" etc. then add on "would they prefer somewhere nearer so they don't have to sit in a car for so long?"

all the best with your relationship, Lost. hope things work out soon.

[Lost]

Ok, will try your suggestion and also try to count to 3 before I reply since I am very reactive - urgh! That is going to take some reprogramming. Thank you.

[Bafana]

Tell him to wake up.

It sounds like he is also beign unreasonable. Did you ever think that he asked you to take the test to try and control you more. BTW what did his test results indicate?

[k1w1]

reccently my husband came home with a personality test from one of the top personality profile agency. I did the test and one of my weakness was that I was critical and judgemental. Since the test, my husband has been using those words against me when I questioned his suggestion.. it has been unbearable.

I want to know when does questioning a suggestion becomes critical and judgemental? One example was: he suggested that we drove his parents to cameron highland for a short holiday, my initial reaction upon hearing was: "wow, so far lah... in a car". He of course said, " Why are you so critical! Why cant you say something nice?" I shut up. Was it a wrong reaction? Isnt it true that it is a far drive? How would you react? Tell me please what should I do to prevent being considered critical and judgemental. Dont know what to say anymore!

Are you talking about the Myers-Briggs personality tests? I am not sure that "critical" is a part of that test, so maybe you're not. But it is worth noting that the Judgemental types are actually very good decision makers (not always a bad thing being judgemental!)

However, if this was a test designed to show you what type of job/situation you're suited to, then it is probably not an indicator of what type of wife you are, any more than those things ever say anything useful about anyone. Mr K took one of those things once, and he was told he should be either a plumber or a dancer, or something utterly laughable and sooooo not related in any way. And also completely unrelated to his personality.

Honestly, your husband is Judging you by a crappy multi-choice test, and then Criticising you every time you disagree with him... Sounds like the pot judging and criticising the kettle to me.

[Lost]

No it is not Myers Briggs but it is one of its competitors - similar concept - aim to help managers navigate the various personalities in the department. He, of course, has all the qualities of a manager - risk taker, competitive, independent etc... I worked as an analyst for several years and as an analyst I was trained to be critical and now that asset in my profession seemed to be a flaw in a relationship. Guess now that I am not working, I will have to reprogram myself to think differently. Isn’t it funny how a relationship changes?

[earthfriendly]

Base on my experience, the male ego is very fragile. Much more so then the female's. A woman should tread carefully, with lots of TLC, when dealing with her spouse. Always try to be nice, positve and cheery. I know it is hard and I am one who is better at dishing out advice than to follow it.

[Global Citizen]

My mother has always said to me, "You catch more flies with honey." I can't tell you the number of times I've regretted not heeding her advice, especially in personal relationships.

It does appear to me that we tend to be at our worst with those we love most; maybe because we want and expect honesty and integrity with those closest and dearest to us. The art of diplomacy is a fine art to be honed but like so many women of today, I tend to speak my mind without enough thought of the consequences. I like to think though that like fine wine, I'm getting better with age!

[Wind In My Hair]

It does appear to me that we tend to be at our worst with those we love most; maybe because we want and expect honesty and integrity with those closest and dearest to us. The art of diplomacy is a fine art to be honed but like so many women of today, I tend to speak my mind without enough thought of the consequences. I like to think though that like fine wine, I'm getting better with age though!

well said GC. totally agree, and hope i'm aging well too!

[Guest]

Lost. I agree with the others suggestions and my Grandmother also taught me that 'you catch more flys with honey'. But, there is no reason for him to take this and use it against you - catching flys works both ways you know. This could become a big issue in your relationship if you don't nip in in the b-hind quickly.

Firstly, you need to be assured the following in your own mind. Personality tests only test so much and they provide generic 'titles' to traits. Regardless of whether it is reputable test, there are degrees to which personality traits exist in differrent people. In addition, there are always two sides to a trait, that is 'critical' has positives and negatives. The personality test should have provided both the positive and the negative definitions. Some of the greatest minds in the world are critical thinking minds. You can do some 'googling' and make a little list of all of the critical people who were successful...

Leondardo is one of those critical thinkers (amongst other qualities). He invented planes you know because he was able to analyse flight in birds and crticically and scientifically develop the first model of a plane. The 'Gates' (Bill Gates) critical eye on the American education system and the action they are taking by pointing it out to the community and steps to try to improve it througfh their foundation - another critical mind that is doing great things! Great businessmen/ women need to be critical and assess risk in what they are doing or plan to do too you know. That's how they become millionaires!

Secondly, I am sure that your husband has a negative trait if he is using this against you or as a point to provoke. Try telling him how it makes you feel....'When you say things like that I feel....." then also tell him that he will not get a response from you if he is not willing to approach conversation in a manner thyat make you what to respond. Or you can make a fool of his comment and say 'yes I am critical, I so feel that bare a resemblance to XZY famous people. Thank you for the complement".

So, my suggestion is:

1: Assure yourself that being 'critical' has its good points. There are varying shades of grey in any personality attribute, personality tests are not always right, its how you use a trait that matters.

2: tell your husband that you don't appreciate the comments and show him that he is not getting a rise out of you with the comments. Your relationship will be happier for it in the long run.

[Lost]

Thank you, Guest, for your encouragement and support. The test did highlight strength and weakness in a personality: He focused mainly on my weakness. I didn’t think I have a problem - like you I tend to speak my mind - until recently.

I did tell him how his quick to point out attitude really hurt and his reply was he was helping me to change to have a more positive attitude. Must admit his comment did have a negative impact - instead of appreciating his effort I have become quieter.

Perhaps after all these years of hearing me criticize, this test has finally given him an excuse to be less tolerant - not sure what is his motivation. I did however noticed that the girls in Singapore tend to be more agreeable compared to American women' so may have to change my style of communication to prevent myself from sticking out like a sore thumb.

In any case, being positive is not a bad thing so will try to listen, be positive and spare myself any future unnecessary confrontation?

[Guest]

Husbands.....

Mine usually collects all the rubbish and throws them out after dinner . Just now as he was doing so I stopped him from throwing a plastic bag that has only a piece of tissue in it. I told him to leave this bag alone and just throw those that are full of perishables from the kitchen. He proceeded to tell me that each time I opened my mouth I have nothing nice to say except criticise him. Was that a criticism?
Why must women be the ones to shower TLC on husbands? Why cant it be the other way round ?

End of grouse

[Wind In My Hair]

i just read a book "for women only (what you need to know about the inner lives of men)" by shaunti feldham. highly recommend to any woman in a relationship or thinking of getting into one. we are wired so differently it's amazing, and it does help to know that our words and actions are perceived vastly differently by a man and by a woman.

btw the equivalent book for men by the same author is, you guessed it... "for men only".

[Lost]

sometimes I think the boys in men never mature to adulthood - they still need a mom at old age. Is the book similar to Mens from Mars and Women from Venus ?

[bushbride]

In any case, being positive is not a bad thing so will try to listen, be positive and spare myself any future unnecessary confrontation?

Lost dear. Have you thought that you might be letting him make you more critical - critical of yourself!

Love yourself, my dear, for who you are and not what others say you are. And, if you are concerned that it is an imperfection that needs to be quashed, well coz-wallop! It is a persons imperfections that make them interesting!

In the words of one of my favorite songs...."Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative, latch on to the affirmative and don't mess with Mr in-between".

BB