The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair with his
secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all
afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke
up at
8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover
to
take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass
and
dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home. "Where
have
you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an
affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."
She looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying
bastard! You've been playing golf!"
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but
always talked about having a son. They decided
to try
one last time for the son they always wanted. The
wife
got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The
joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new
son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had
ever
seen. He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the
father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful
daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around
behind my back?" The wife smiled sweetly and
replied:
"Not this time!"
The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night. He
examined
the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated,
and
made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the
largest
private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr.
Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow
you
to be cremated with such an impressive private
part.
It must be saved for posterity." So, he removed it,
stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home "I
have something to show you
won't believe," he said to
his wife, opening his briefcase. "My God!" the wife
exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"
(Note: This is the English version of Padre Damaso)
The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard
her
husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said,
"stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over
him, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't
move
until I tell you," she said, " pretend you're a
statue." "What's this?" the husband inquired as he
entered the room. "Oh it's a statue," she replied,
"the Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too." No more was said, not
even
when they went to bed. Around 2AM the husband
got up,
went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich
and a
beer. "Here," he said to the statue, have this. I
stood like that for two days at the Smiths and
nobody
offered me a damned thing."
The
5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and
ordered
a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent." "One
cent?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the
menu and
asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a
bottle
of wine?" "A nickel," the barman replied. "A
nickel?"
exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns
this
place?" The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my
wife." The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs
with
your wife?" The bartender replied: "The same thing
I'm
doing to his business down here."
The 6th Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He
looked
up and said weakly: "I have something I must
confess."
"There's no need to, " his wife replied.
"No," he insisted,"I want to die in peace. I slept
with your sister, your best friend, her best friend,
and your mother!" "I know," she replied, "now just
rest and let the poison work."
