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Loneliness

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serendipity
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Loneliness

Postby serendipity » Thu, 18 May 2006 12:38 am

Was talking to a friend, a native Spanish speaker, who explained to me the different levels of the term, friend, more in English even, ranging from mere acquaintance to very close friend.
And when he told me that it would take him to get to know whom he calls friends for about 10 years, and knowing that I like him as well do prefer to have less but close friends rather, it struck me that being abroad, in 2 countries even so far, is sort of like this proverb, rolling stone gains no mass kind of thing, as I lost touch with old friends back home after some years passed, and in an international community, with the non-locals coming and going, even among the locals too, 'tis indeed hard to keep long-term friends.
'Tis indeed nice to do activities such as socialising in WNDC, FNDC, sports clubs, clubbing together, but I do notice that there are more of surface things in these things with very few chance of making it deeper, or am I asking too much? And what else is it out there anyway?
How do you cope with the feeling of coming home alone in an empty flat, yet you're not sure whom you can dial just to talk in times?

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Postby Bubbles » Thu, 18 May 2006 12:55 am

Tough one Serendipity, the only solace I can offer is that we've all been lonely, and are destined to be so many times in the future. Don't forget you can be lonely within partnerships, crowds, offices etc. I believe the true way out of this is to open up to someone you trust, even if that person is not the sort you'd usually choose as a lifetime friend. Also, be outgoing, say yes to things when your instinct is to say no. Try different activities, even if the thought of doing so bores you stiff. You know, everyone has their story and some will interest you.
Still, it's grim coming home to an empty place. Grim but it's not forever.

My son moves out in a few weeks and that will be me alone....I dread it. I have hubby abroad, of course, but work keeps me here to a certain extent and I find that I have to have my little 'routine' for the empty house nights.

I expect it's a sort of safety net, lullaby type thing......lull myself into comfort.....give thanks I've got a nice home.....cuddle up with a book, or the tv.....or push myself out to the gym or the pub with work mates or whoever. The trick is to think 'bright' and do a Scarlett O'Hara....you know, ''''Tomorrow is another day''''' and all that stuff.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Dylan Thomas.

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Postby Bubbles » Thu, 18 May 2006 1:07 am

Sorry Serendipity, in the last post I didn't mean to sound as if I was cheerleading you into brightness etc. I'm very aware of the value of frienship and how much effort is needed to make a good job of it. If you look on the next page under 'Under rain stained glass' you'll see a poem I started years ago, and finished recently (in response to MHB's post on friends leaving)...it's about the sadness I felt when friends disappear from your life, and the transience of it.....so I have felt as you do now, and most probably will again, I'm sure.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.



Dylan Thomas.

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Postby Bonbon » Thu, 18 May 2006 2:34 am

hmmm interesting Serendipity I didn't know you feel lonely! I always had the impression that you're really really occupied! and you always have so many friends, activities happening. I know that I tried a few times to ask you to do some activities with us at the begining, you always seem to be occupied with studies, friends, that activity, this activity......then we just gave up!

Sorry to know that you feel lonely. I think we all dofeel that way from time to time, espeically those single ones out there. that's why we need close friends! I know you have lots of friends from all sorts of groups, why dont you invite them out to do different things together? As to make the friendship deeper ....not too hard right, as long as you know who you click with, and really invest time in to get to know and care for these poeple you want to be friends with , I'm sure the friendship would grow ...naturally... :)

Beside there's so much to do in life . I can't understand how you would have time to feel the loneliness, when from an obsever 's point of view, you have so much on your plate, study, language group, form a book club, dessert club, go out eat with friends, going to WNDC, FNDC etc...etc....and then also have the time to do golfing, wakeboarding etc?!??! Aren't these activities enough to keep you occupied ? :shock: how do you manage your time, and yet feeling lonely??? :roll:

must be me, if i had to do all these things, man, all i can feel is probably being tired and sleepy hahahaah :oops: :P

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Postby serendipity » Thu, 18 May 2006 8:34 am

You didn't get completely what I meant it seems... And that's cos you don't know me enough like how I perceived you as conservative? ;)
Then again, it seems we have different definitions of conservative the other day...
Just like how one can get lonely in a crowd, it's the same thing I would reckon.
One can know heaps of people, but it's still not easy to find that close friend who can just tell which character you would fancy when s/he reads a book, which article you would enjoy, etc. among these people you know.
Plus as you know how my training schedule is, it doesn't make it easier to do the 'investment' to keep in touch with people.
True it can knacker somebody to be too active, but then again if you don't what would help?

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Postby Cheekybeek » Thu, 18 May 2006 8:54 am

It's a bit like finding true love...

It can happen quickly, the friends whom I've made that I consider my closest friends, I knew right away that this person is someone I'd consider a friend. The rest of it, the knowing you, what you like etc comes with gaining a history together. This is the bit that is difficult to achieve when you move around.

We are lucky in this day and age to have email, sms, cheap international phone cards. If you want to nurture a long distance friendship it is totally possible.

I lived in Sydney for the past five years, I did not meet a single one of these close friends. It was lonely, and never a place I'd consider home.

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Postby tiki » Thu, 18 May 2006 9:00 am

You are only as lonely as you put yourself in....

it's a little selfish to find that someone who knows you but you don't really know that person.

Loneliness is not always a bad thing because at the end of the day, we will leave this world alone.

If you can't make it on your own two feet....

you can never be there for someone else.

Things happen and at times two likeminded people meet but if it doesn't happen..

life still goes on.
'If you feel alive
in a darkened room
Do you know the name
of your solitude..'

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Postby Bonbon » Thu, 18 May 2006 9:06 am

serendipity wrote:it doesn't make it easier to do the 'investment' to keep in touch with people.
True it can knacker somebody to be too active, but then again if you don't what would help?


I don't see how easy it is to be able to have close friends if you do'nt do investments to keep in touch with people...

if you dont give a fuss about your friends, why would they in return , takes two to tangle.

I don't see as to find close friends by endlessly being active, attending functions to find ones.....it's the ones you find i'm sure out of all friends you find you bound to have one or two close ones......you stick with them!

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Postby Bonbon » Thu, 18 May 2006 9:08 am

tiki wrote:You are only as lonely as you put yourself in....

it's a little selfish to find that someone who knows you but you don't really know that person.



DITTO Tiki, you put what I want to say to Serendipity just in two sentences , [-o< where asI'm on and on and on ..... :oops:

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Postby Cheekybeek » Thu, 18 May 2006 9:11 am

I kind of disagree with the rest of what Tiki says though.

Sometimes people can't make it on their own two feet. People shouldn't be expected to go through their lives without support. And you don't have to be likeminded to be close friends.

Plus It is different for women than it is for men.

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Postby Snowdrop » Thu, 18 May 2006 9:14 am

serendipity, its just my personal view so please don't feels offended :)

Loneliness, its in the way you are or shall i say its the way how you think. If you let your mood leads you to negative side you sure will feels this kind of feeling. As proverb said "try to always sees the glass half full rather than half empty".i know that its easier to say than to do it but this case is you need to help yourself no one can do it for you 'coz even in a crowd of people we also can feels that we are lonely. You only you can drag yourself out from it.

as for friendship, friendship need time and nurture a tree won't grow overnight, right?always need two hands to clap, if your friends trying their hard in getting to know you better and you never respond then in the end they will just walk away. same case as if you keep trying but the other party never respond, aren't you will give it up after a sufficient amount time in trying?

in my case, i got friends whom i knew for more than 20 years but do they know me? the real me?what i love or what they loves? the answer is NO. why? because we never really spends time to know each other than just mere surface (yeah blame on i'm not in town and they are busy with family but the truth is like what i said before: its need two hands to clap) but i also have friends who i knew less than 10 years which we sort of knew each other mind.s/he will like this this this will hate that and so on and so forth (mind you not all of them staying in the same country as me) and i'm glad to say that lucky that we have cross our path. present feeling is the best and not put lots of hope in the future because in that way you put pressure on your friendship, on yourself and on your friends.

We are like ships that passing by each other in a big ocean(acquaintance), when we docked at the same harbor then we become a close friend (be it forever or not depend on you and your friends) but if we have different aim or different harbor to reach than maybe we will go our separate way (still keep in touch? no? who knows). oh yeah maybe once awhile maybe we will sort of passing each other in the open water then we will honk to each other.
To be able to be together is fate,
but so is separation ----> Takeshi Keneshiro

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Postby tiki » Thu, 18 May 2006 9:17 am

Cheekybeek wrote:I kind of disagree with the rest of what Tiki says though.

Sometimes people can't make it on their own two feet. People shouldn't be expected to go through their lives without support. And you don't have to be likeminded to be close friends.

Plus It is different for women than it is for men.


..you do have a point to disagree :)
'If you feel alive

in a darkened room

Do you know the name

of your solitude..'

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Postby Cheekybeek » Thu, 18 May 2006 9:24 am

I should also add that it is an emotional risk to have a close friend. You have to lay yourself out there open your heart and soul and hope that your friend will love you and accept you anyway.

If you aren't prepared to take the risk you probably won't have any very close friends.

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Postby earthfriendly » Thu, 18 May 2006 9:49 am

tiki wrote:You are only as lonely as you put yourself in....

it's a little selfish to find that someone who knows you but you don't really know that person.

Loneliness is not always a bad thing because at the end of the day, we will leave this world alone.

If you can't make it on your own two feet....

you can never be there for someone else.

Things happen and at times two likeminded people meet but if it doesn't happen..

life still goes on.


Tiki, in some way, I do see your point and agree with it. However, I also disagree to some extent. I have many friends and relatives. Due to their busy schedule, distance or whatever reason, we do not get together as much I would like to.

I have always felt lonely, from day one. Even when surrounded by friends/families or occupied with a full schedule. I have been trying to figure out my problem for the last 36 years but to no avail. I do not think I deliberately impose this state of loneliness in myself. I just don't know why I feel lonely, despite so much love and caring from my SO, family, parents, siblings and daughters.

What is wrong with me :( . One of my wish is to take short reprieve in a Buddhist temple. To clear my mind and to rejuvenate.

Wonder if it is time to see a psychiatrist or counsel. However, I want to make sure I go to a really good one via personal referral.
Last edited by earthfriendly on Thu, 18 May 2006 10:00 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Postby Cheekybeek » Thu, 18 May 2006 9:54 am

EF People are very complex. We all have needs and love and friendship is one of them. When something is not fullfilling and you have that emptiness inside it is not always just a state of mind. Maybe you really do need something.

It is not weak to need another person.

It is not weak to seek counsel.

Nor is it wrong to decide you need reprieve.

I hope you feel whole soon.


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