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Bulwer-Lytton Contest

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Ling2
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Bulwer-Lytton Contest

Postby Ling2 » Thu, 06 Apr 2006 9:45 am

This year's 10 winners of the Bulwer-Lytton contest, aka "Dark and Stormy Night Contest" (run by the English Dept. of San José State University), wherein one writes only the first line of a very bad novel:

10) "As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the echo chamber, he would never hear the end of it."

9) "Just beyond the Narrows, the river widens."

8) "With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned, unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description."

7) "Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along the East wall: Andre creep... Andre creep... Andre creep.'"

6) "Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back alley sex-change surgeon to become the woman he loved."

5) "Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from eeking out a living at a local pet store."

4) "Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do."

3) "Like an overripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor."

2) "Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning of the word 'fear'; a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death -- in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies."

AND THE WINNER IS...

1) "The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly, 'You lied!"

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Postby Ling2 » Thu, 06 Apr 2006 10:12 am

English????

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was
time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?


Let's face it - English is a crazy language.


------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------

You lovers of the English language might enjoy this . . . There
is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other
two-letter word, and that is "UP."

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top
of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a
meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the
officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a
report?

We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room,
polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.
We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times
the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line
UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed
is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it
is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at
night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP! To be knowledgeable
about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a
desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add
UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try
building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of
your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or
more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun
comes out we say it is clearing UP.

When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.

When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.
Fess UP...you like this!


One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is
UP, so............ Time to shut UP.....!

Oh...one more thing:


What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing
you do at night? U-P

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Postby CardZeus » Thu, 06 Apr 2006 11:47 am

There are only 2 words in the English language that end in -shion. One of them is fashion - what is the other??
The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is at all comprehensible.

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Postby Saint » Thu, 06 Apr 2006 5:24 pm

CardZeus wrote:There are only 2 words in the English language that end in -shion. One of them is fashion - what is the other??


Hushion!

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Postby CardZeus » Thu, 06 Apr 2006 5:56 pm

Saint wrote:
CardZeus wrote:There are only 2 words in the English language that end in -shion. One of them is fashion - what is the other??


Hushion!



Close but unfortunately no cigar
The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is at all comprehensible.

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Postby Saint » Thu, 06 Apr 2006 5:59 pm

CardZeus wrote:
Saint wrote:
CardZeus wrote:There are only 2 words in the English language that end in -shion. One of them is fashion - what is the other??


Hushion!



Close but unfortunately no cigar


hushion - a rather unusual Scots dialect word for a footless stocking (a sort of leg-warmer). :wink:

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Postby micknlea » Thu, 06 Apr 2006 9:35 pm

So obviously the other one is the one that you put your hushion clad foot on when tired and need a bit of comfort??? :lol:

Wow, I never realised that there aren't any other words spelt like that...I hate it when you guys get me thinking...it had me stumped for half the day... :)
"My husband said it was him or the cat...I miss him sometimes." - Unknown

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Postby Saint » Thu, 06 Apr 2006 9:40 pm

micknlea wrote:So obviously the other one is the one that you put your hushion clad foot on when tired and need a bit of comfort??? :lol:

Wow, I never realised that there aren't any other words spelt like that...I hate it when you guys get me thinking...it had me stumped for half the day... :)


That's the one!

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Postby Ling2 » Fri, 07 Apr 2006 10:01 am

I know it's cushion all along :wink: Love my comfort!!! :mrgreen:


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