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Fasten Your Seat Belts.

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Plavt
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Fasten Your Seat Belts.

Postby Plavt » Fri, 03 Mar 2006 1:34 am

What do you call a bunch of senior flight attendants in a spa?......Gorillas in the mist.
What's the best way to get a flight attendant in bed?....... Make them work 5 legs back to back and an all nighter.

How many flight attendants does it take to change a light bulb?.....A hundred. One to actually change it and 99 to bitch about it.

Stupid Question or Stupid Answer?

Lady: Is this my plane ?
Flight Attendant : No, it belongs to the Airline.
Lady : Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this plane to Los Angeles.
Flight Attendant: No Madam, I'm afraid its too heavy.

A man is flying from Los Angeles to New York. During the meal service, he accidentally knocked the spoon off to the aisle with his elbow. The flight attendant immediately took a spoon from his pocket and placed it on his traytable. The man was very impressed by the promptness of the service and asked, "Do all flight attendants carry a spoon in their pockets?"
The flight attendant answered, "We had an efficiency expert in to evaluate our operation. He determined that 25% of the customers knock the spoon off their traytables. By carrying a spare spoon, we all save trips to the galley and can be much more efficient."
Later, as the flight attendant is picking his dirty tray up, the customer asked, "Excuse me for asking but why do you have a string hanging from your fly?"
The flight attendant replied, "The efficiency expert determined that we were spending too much time washing our hands after we went to the bathroom. To counteract this, we tie strings to our penises."
The customer looked confused. "How does that help?" he asked.
"Well, when I go to the bathroom 1 just use the string. Since I never touched myself I don't need to wash my hands."
The customer nodded and asked, "But how do you get it back in your pants?"
The flight attendant smiled, "I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."

What's the difference between a senior flight attendant and a police car?.....You need two police cars to block and intersection.

The plane's cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant who was just as obviously enjoying himself.
He came swishing down the aisle and said to the man and the woman seated beside him, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that the woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big-brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one!"
"Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen so I outrank you. Put up the tray, bitch!" submitted by Xenia

What's the difference between a teacher, a nurse, and a flight attendant in bed?

The teacher will tell you, "I'm gonna teach you how to do it and then we'll going to go over and over it untill we get it right."
The nurse will say, "I'm gonna do it slowly and I promise it's not going to hurt."
And the flight attendant will tell you. "Put it over your nose and mouth and continue to breath normally."

How does a flight attendant tell a passenger to go to hell?.....I'll be right back! submitted by Paul

How does a flight attendant tell a passenger Asshole?.....Sure!

What's the difference between a Flight Attendant and a Mercedes?.....Not everyone has been on a Mercedes.

What do Flight Attendants and Monica Lewinsky have in common?.....They all have a blue dress with stains on it.

How do you make a flight attendant come with one finger?.....Pressing the flight attendant call button.

A new flight attendant was summoned to the office of the head of the training program for a severe reprimand. "I heard about the episode on your first flight, Miss." said the director, glaring over the top of her eyeglasses. "From now on, whenever a passenger feels faint, I'll thank you to push his head down between his own legs."

A plane was taking off from Kennedy. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth flight, Now sit back and relax. - OH MY GOD!"
Silence
Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I an so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said: "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

What do you call a bunch of Flight Attendants in a basement?.....A Whine Cellar!

What's the difference between a flight attendant and a 727 engine?..... The 727 engine stops whining after landing.

A Blond Flight Attendant was on the highway going to the airport and saw a sign that said Airport Left.....she turned around and went home.

An airhead Flight Attendant, a smart Flight Attendant and Santa Claus jumped off the airplane after they lost both engines. Who made the largest splash?.....The airhead Flight Attendant. The others don't exist!

What separates Flight Attendants from the scum of the world?.....The Cockpit door.

A new blond Flight Attendant was late for pick-up at the hotel. The Captain called her up wondering what had happened to her. She answered the phone and said: "I can't get out of the room." "You can't get out of the room?" the Captain asked, "Why not?" The blonde Flight Attendant replied: "There are only three doors in this room, one is the bathroom, one is the closet and the other one has a sign that says Do Not Disturb!

How do you recognize a Flight Attendant at a party?.....They are the only ones eating standing up and cleaning their hands with the curtains.

After a passenger continuously pressed the Flight Attendant Call Button, demanding attention and complaining about the service, the Flight Attendant says: "We are here to SAVE your ass, not to KISS it."....

What do you call a pregnant Flight Attendant?......Pilot Error.

How many flight attendants does it take to change a light bulb?.....A hundred. One to actually change it and 99 to bitch about it.

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