This was copied from a newsgroup posting. The author is responding to
a woman who accidentally walked into the men's restroom:
Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the men's washroom that
caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him.
Hell, we do that all the time. It's rare us guys ever hit what we're
aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee and then
just start spinning around; just so I'll make sure I hit something.
You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men's
penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall
because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the
toilet, and his penis will still manage to piss all over the roll of
toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I'm telling
'ya those little buggers can't be trusted.
After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I'm no longer
allowed to pee like a man - standing up. I am required to sit down
and pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price to pay.
Otherwise if she had gone to the toilet one more time at night and
either sat on a pee soaked toilet seat, or fell right into the toilet
because I forgot to put the seat down, she was going to kill me in my
Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about, but
because you and I have become such good friends and you think I'm a
classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because it's a real
problem, and you ladies need to be understanding.
It's the dreaded "morning wood". Most mornings us guys wake up with
two things. A tremendous desire to pee, and a penis so hard you
could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you
can't get that thing to bend, and if it won't bend you can't aim,
well hell, if you can't aim you have no choice but to piss all over
the wall paper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women
insist on putting on the toilet.
And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the
friggin' toilet seat won't stay up by itself. So that means we have
to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try
to control our less than perfect aim. Now sometimes, when you're
newly married, (and I know the guys in here will back me up on this)
you think you can get the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to
stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat
stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy
starts to decompress and without warning that damn toilet seat comes
flying down and tries to whack off your weenie. So us guys will not
lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy; it's just not safe.
I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I
told her... look, it won't bend. She said, "so sit down like I told
you to do all the rest of the time." OK. I tried sitting down on the
toilet with "morning wood". Well it's is very hard to get it bent
under the toilet seat, and before I could manage it, I had pissed all
over the bath towels hanging on the wall across the room.
Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get it forced down
under the toilet seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots out from
the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the
bowl. You piss all over the back of your knees and it runs down the
back of our legs on to that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you
keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet.
I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning
urinary dilemma is to assume the flying Superman position laying over
the toilet seat. This takes a great deal of practice, perfect
balance, and split time precision but it's the only sure way to get
all the pee in the bowl during the first morning pee.
So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to
blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom
cleanliness, but there are times when things just get beyond our
control. It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature.
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