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- Joined: Sat, 20 Aug 2005 5:01 pm
Came across the following classified ad.
I have 2 children for sale. They come as a set.
The first one is a 5 yr old female. She has blonde hair and blue eyes. She wears glasses*. This is a result of my poor genetics, or so I have been told by my ex-in-laws. (full disclosure of my poor genetics at bottom.)
A little about her:
she can read
she is bossy*
she can run a dvd player
she knows how to use her apple computer (will be included if you cover the shipping)
she is very good at debating*
she knows how to ride a dirtbike
she does not require training wheels on her bike (she learned to ride the dirtbike without training wheels before her bicycle)
she likes to wash dishes. Not so good at the rinsing part.
she loves her brother and tries to hug him every ten minutes
she can make sandwiches. She will ask to make you one everyday for lunch.
she has mood swings*
The second child is a 3 yr old male. He has blonde hair and blue eyes. He does not have glasses but does have a neurological disorder called speech aproxia*. I have been assured that this will be cured by the time he is 7.
A little about him:
he knows how to run a DVD player
he thinks he is a dog so you will be subject to being licked and he likes to eat everything out of a bowl on the floor
he also can run an apple computer
he is afraid of everything bugs, dogs, shadows, noise, food that is green. He has been known to urinate on himself when encountering anything that frightens him.
he likes to take pictures and is much better than his grandma (not on my side)
he likes to pick his nose which is convenient for long car rides just remind him he has a nose and this will keep him occupied for hours.
he is good at fighting. He can duplicate any move from crouching tiger hidden dragon. He has been known to kick you in the shins when you least expect it.
he hates his sister and will tell you this every ten minutes
he likes to have his toenails painted*
They must be sold as a set.
List of accessories they come with:
2 easter baskets full of chocolates. Well actually only half full after today.
several sets of clothes
2 bicycles both with very loud sirens on them
1 apple computer if you can afford the shipping
1 bottle of ibuprofen 500 count
1 bottle of amoxicillan that needs to be administered twice a day to the female
1 DVD player and aprx. 40 DVDs. I may be willing to throw in the plasma tv if you act now
1 remote control car that has been known to injure. Please wear shoes if it is in use.
a set of Nudist colony barbie and ken dolls all of which did at one point have clothes but decided, perhaps against their will, that a more natural lifestyle was prefered*
They also come with a father who has 50/50 custody. He is bullheaded and he claims to have a right to be because he is 39 yrs old. He is also very important, just ask him. He has been known to not show up to get the kids on time so that I can make it to work so you will need a very flexible schedule or a very understanding boss. He also has a coke habit, so you will need to remind him repeatedly of anything important. He is color blind so you will need to check the kids attire before they get dropped off at school. He also does not see anything wrong with the male child wearing shirts with barbie or bows on them. He has even sent him in a dress once and blamed it on his color blindness. If you go on vacation and leave the kids with him the entire time you need to specificly tell him they need to be bathed. I was once suprised to come home after 9 days in Cancun to findout that they had not been in the vicinity of soap in 9 days because I never wrote it on the list of instructions.
*The things my poor genetics may have passed on include: poor eyesight from my father, I am a bossy bitch who was on the debate team, forensics, drama club and prelaw club in high school (yes I was a geek, a hot slutty geek)so this may explain the attitude, I also like to be pampered so the peticure fetish may be my fault, I also like to walk around naked.
The price I am asking is $19.99 for buy one get one free. I recently had my tubes tied so I would not be able to make you a third for a complete set. Also there is no way in hell their father is touching me with his 4 inch cock ever again, so there wouldnt even be any guarantees that the third child would be a blonde haired, blue eyed, pure german baby.
I hope I have given enough information for you to make a well informed buy. Please only serious responses. They have school in the morning and I am so ready for spring break to be over. After a morning without them I may change my mind about selling them. Actually now that they are asleep and I went and checked on them they look like little angels. I will keep them.
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