Received the following in an email.
Dear Alcohol,
First & foremost let me tell you that I'm a huge fan
of yours.
As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed.
The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're
even around in the holiday's hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings.
However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your
influence has led to some unwise consequences:
1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I
question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity
takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they
do not want to hear from me durin! g the day, let alone all hours of the
night?
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat
After a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but
I think you went too far this time.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do
more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day
are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45
seconds to get the front door key into the lock.
4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop! This is getting ridiculous.
I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in
order, but the 3pm-hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My
entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water,
vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out
face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should
be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to
ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great
stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully
review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your
possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.
Thank you,
Your Biggest Fan
P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN
DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing
Oh, even harder in Japan! Love the bit about spending money.