Fights with significant other

Kimi · Post by **Kimi** » Fri, 28 Oct 2005 6:21 am

I have a new colleague who is younger and doesn't have that much experience yet or shall we say she's still "green" in some respects.
She is a little troubled that she had been "kicking" her hubby out of the house twice this month after a fight they had, and since she's not local thus not having her close friends nor family here, I suppose she was trying to find the best she could and somehow it seems she puts her trust in me.
Only I'm not sure what I can tell her as I have never been married nor is an expert in relationships, but I don't have the heart to tell her,"Oh sorry, it's none of my business." or such... nor I think she needs that kind of remark in such moment...
So far I was giving her an example that it might do both of them good to cool down, have their own space and then talk things together after cooling down.
If you were in my shoes, what would you suggest by any chance?
Do you reckon it's a sign to incompatibility to have heaps of fights with your significant other as it seems she is wondering about that too?
I still reckon if things are not too bad, they can be worked out somehow, but I can't blame her for wondering about it when the quarrel had happened several times even though they are a newly wed couple.

Mary Hatch Bailey · Post by **Mary Hatch Bailey** » Fri, 28 Oct 2005 7:33 am

Kimi wrote:If you were in my shoes, what would you suggest by any chance? Do you reckon it's a sign to incompatibility to have heaps of fights with your significant other as it seems she is wondering about that too?

It sounds to me to be more of a case of immaturity more than anything else. More like this couple hasn't developed any tools for communicating. Why do people feel like they should have all the answers innately and the prescient ability to face the challenges of the most important relationship they should ever have?

It's like buying a boat in a showroom and assuming you know how to read the channel markers. Dangerous.

Kimi, if you can, I would give a statement of support, a suggestion of action and a clear sign of disengagement. Something like:

It must be so difficult not have a close friend or a member of the family to talk this over with, what a stressful time it must be for the both of you. Have you and your spouse considered counseling? Here is the number of Dr. Headshrinker, he worked wonders for some friends of mine. I think these discussions are best explored in that setting and not here in the work place, don't you? I know our supervisor had said as much.

OK, maybe not as easy as that, but offer support then let them know they can't use your workplace as a support group and that their is help if they are wiling to find it.

sapphire · Post by **sapphire** » Fri, 28 Oct 2005 8:04 am

Hey, welcome back Ma'am Viceroy, hope you had a great vacation. Do we see you tonight at the Halloween party?

As for your question Kimi, what MHB said should work, or (as suggested by you) the couple should sit down and have a coolheaded long chat with each other. Also, sometimes people just vent and are not really looking for any advice...maybe that's the case?

Mary Hatch Bailey · Post by **Mary Hatch Bailey** » Fri, 28 Oct 2005 8:52 am

sapphire wrote:Hey, welcome back Ma'am Viceroy, hope you had a great vacation. Do we see you tonight at the Halloween party?

Can not, Lah! Have had 8 hours of sleep in 2 days and need to play tour guide for a few more days... Looks like my in-laws will delay their return to Florida since they have no electricity there

They are sweet, but needy. Must step and fetch and play the dutiful daughter-in-law.

Carpe Diem · Post by **Carpe Diem** » Fri, 28 Oct 2005 9:28 am

Told you Sapphire...

Mary Hatch Bailey · Post by **Mary Hatch Bailey** » Fri, 28 Oct 2005 9:30 am

Carpe Diem wrote:Told you Sapphire...

Hey!

Carpe Diem · Post by **Carpe Diem** » Fri, 28 Oct 2005 9:33 am

Carpe Diem · Post by **Carpe Diem** » Fri, 28 Oct 2005 9:33 am

Mary Hatch Bailey · Post by **Mary Hatch Bailey** » Fri, 28 Oct 2005 9:36 am

Well?

Carpe Diem · Post by **Carpe Diem** » Fri, 28 Oct 2005 9:38 am

What's up, doc?

Mary Hatch Bailey · Post by **Mary Hatch Bailey** » Fri, 28 Oct 2005 9:41 am

Carpe Diem wrote:Told you Sapphire...

Private jokes are best suited for private messages, are they not?

Carpe Diem · Post by **Carpe Diem** » Fri, 28 Oct 2005 9:46 am

Oh don't worry, not a joke. We were talking at the WNDC about the list of people who are coming tonight, and I told Sapphire I doubt you would come. That's all.

Mary Hatch Bailey · Post by **Mary Hatch Bailey** » Fri, 28 Oct 2005 9:55 am

Well considering I made my apologies and declined weeks ago, I'd say you have a firm grasp of the obvious.

I'm just giving you a hard time CD, I missed the mental sparring.

Carpe Diem · Post by **Carpe Diem** » Fri, 28 Oct 2005 10:00 am

OK, but in that case your apologies did not reach anybody, because the organizers still believe you are coming! As for me, I was just guessing...

And you're not giving me a hard time. Not yet.

Mary Hatch Bailey · Post by **Mary Hatch Bailey** » Sat, 29 Oct 2005 1:49 pm

Carpe Diem wrote:And you're not giving me a hard time. Not yet.

Oh good, I'll bring out the heavy artillary...

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Fights with significant other

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