husband is most likely having an affair

[YF]

Keylogging? Damn dude, that has got to be the shittiest advice I ever heard. I suppose the concept of privacy doesn't exist.

Agreed though that trust has to be the prime directive. Regardless of whether the bloke's a scumbag, it sounds like the OP is already convinced otherwise. I mean seriously, no matter how much we'd like to portray it, none of us were, are or will be angels.

I would argue that the "right" to privacy was taken away when she discovered these messages: this girl needs to do what she needs to do to get to the bottom of this all. The rest of this girls life is in the balance here, and you are worried about "invasion of privacy"??? I think the right to know you can trust your husband, in light of this all, out-trumps one's right to privacy in this instance -- particularly when the truth affects her. Finally, this is not something that SHOULD be kept from her anyways, and therefore should not be "private" information anyways with respect to her.

If this were some kind of criminal case (depending on the severity), similar circumstances regarding a crime would probably give probable cause to get some kind of warrant or wiretap. Sure what she is doing may not be LEGAL, but law is not morality.

Do what you need to do,

RDL

Dude, we're not talking about homicide or treason here. It's not the work computer filled with sensitive information. We're talking about recording what a person types into the keyboard, akin to his most private thoughts, sometimes not even consciously. Would you read your wife's diary if you suspected her of getting jiggy with another man? Newsflash, shit happens.

Allowing her to vent? Fine. Providing moral support? If you insist. But providing her with a tool to breach the already paper thin trust between them? Dude, you're a dumbass.

That's some serious moral high ground you are taking. Hey, if it looks like trust has been broken, and it looks like it may very well have been, then she's got to look out for HERSELF first and foremost. Would I do the same if I was in her position? Yes. In fact that's how I caught my girlfriend (red handed); and yes, I had strong suspicion before that which lead me to these drastic measures in the first place. That said, I am *very* happy I am not being strung along in a relationship where the other person is cheating on me -- "Dumbass?" I would have been a dumbass NOT to have done what I did: I would still be in that relationship right now. Ultimately it's MY life, not her's and if I can't trust her to be honest I had the RIGHT to find out the truth for myself. If I confronted her with the information I had at the begining, she would have weasled her way out of it (like she did before) -- I needed more proof and I took it upon myself to get it before I accused her of anything. When I finally did get it, a couple of weeks later it was her bragging to her friend how she f*cked some guy on her trip -- pretty much word for word. Morally reprehensible on my part? Maybe, but I can deal with that -- a dumbass? Well, I would have called you the dumbass for not doing what needed to be done and sticking to some idealistic view of privacy.

RDL

RDL

[YF]

P.S. It is interesting you bring up the word treason as an example of a crime:

Treason:
1. Violation of allegiance toward one's country or sovereign, especially the betrayal of one's country by waging war against it or by consciously and purposely acting to aid its enemies.

2. A betrayal of trust or confidence.

http://dictionary.reference.com/search?r=8&q=treason

With respect to their marriage, I would investigate him on suspicion of treason. Certianly it looks as if there has been a violation of their allegiance (their marriage). Finally, some might argue that this kind of treason is more severe than some "white collar" or "victimless" crime.

RDL

[EADG]

brothers Banana and Rob, I still think my earlier suggestion would work, and better yet, it's low tech

and as an ex-techie, I've found low tech solutions are usually the best

no keylogger needed, regardless of whether we can agree it's right or wrong

Banana is right, there's not enough evidence to warrant stooping to this level at this point, though if there were more evidence and I was in her or Rob's shoes I would definitely consider it myself.

it's a fair and simple question to ask, so she just need to ask him the question and the eyes (and body language) will have it

it will take guts and composure to do it though

[banana]

I would argue that the "right" to privacy was taken away when she discovered these messages: this girl needs to do what she needs to do to get to the bottom of this all. The rest of this girls life is in the balance here, and you are worried about "invasion of privacy"??? I think the right to know you can trust your husband, in light of this all, out-trumps one's right to privacy in this instance -- particularly when the truth affects her. Finally, this is not something that SHOULD be kept from her anyways, and therefore should not be "private" information anyways with respect to her.

If this were some kind of criminal case (depending on the severity), similar circumstances regarding a crime would probably give probable cause to get some kind of warrant or wiretap. Sure what she is doing may not be LEGAL, but law is not morality.

Do what you need to do,

RDL

Dude, we're not talking about homicide or treason here. It's not the work computer filled with sensitive information. We're talking about recording what a person types into the keyboard, akin to his most private thoughts, sometimes not even consciously. Would you read your wife's diary if you suspected her of getting jiggy with another man? Newsflash, shit happens.

Allowing her to vent? Fine. Providing moral support? If you insist. But providing her with a tool to breach the already paper thin trust between them? Dude, you're a dumbass.

That's some serious moral high ground you are taking. Hey, if it looks like trust has been broken, and it looks like it may very well have been, then she's got to look out for HERSELF first and foremost. Would I do the same if I was in her position? Yes. In fact that's how I caught my girlfriend (red handed); and yes, I had strong suspicion before that which lead me to these drastic measures in the first place. That said, I am *very* happy I am not being strung along in a relationship where the other person is cheating on me -- "Dumbass?" I would have been a dumbass NOT to have done what I did: I would still be in that relationship right now. Ultimately it's MY life, not her's and if I can't trust her to be honest I had the RIGHT to find out the truth for myself. If I confronted her with the information I had at the begining, she would have weasled her way out of it (like she did before) -- I needed more proof and I took it upon myself to get it before I accused her of anything. When I finally did get it, a couple of weeks later it was her bragging to her friend how she f*cked some guy on her trip -- pretty much word for word. Morally reprehensible on my part? Maybe, but I can deal with that -- a dumbass? Well, I would have called you the dumbass for not doing what needed to be done and sticking to some idealistic view of privacy.

RDL

RDL

Unknot your panties dude, no need flash your credentials in adultery. You seem like a decent bloke so I'll put it to you nicely. If due to some bizarre twist of fate, and we all know fact can sometimes be stranger than fiction, your wife gets insanely suspicious of you for seemingly valid reason and keylogs you. BUT YOU'RE INNOCENT. How would you feel?

The point is not his privacy but her respecting it regardless of situation. And you blatantly providing access to such a program is a dumbass manoevure under any circumstances. That's like giving every government in the world nukes just because it allegedly stopped a world war.

[YF]

Hey, im not the one uptight here, I am just telling it how it is.

As for your question, would I blame her? No. If she is getting insanely suspicious, then something is obviously up. And if there IS nothing up, then I am not doing a good job reassuring her that everything is okay. With the girl in question, I was doing a long distance thing, and if I was going out, I would call her when I got home even just to leave a message on her answering machine so that she wouldn't have anything to worry about. If I was hanging out with people I would let her know who it was. She had nothing to worry about and I wasn't going to let her worry for nothing. Besides, ff this is your partner you should have nothing to hide anyways, right?

RDL

[sapphire]

I agree with banana here as well, God help me! Agreeing with a fruit is insane! But keylogger is not the answer! Thats a total invasion of privacy. If you have to stoop to that level, then the trust has already vanished, snooping isn't going to bring it back. Moreover, you snoop once, you snoop for life. It will become a habit with every partner you share your life with.
As EADG said, eyes and body language tell a lot, learn to study those...

[Wind In My Hair]

maybe we should take a step back and look at what's going on here, why things are getting a little heated. i may be wrong but i seem to notice two camps:

- those who have been cheated on before and can empathise with the need for information (eg Rob, Morning Glory, myself, SB herself). it doesn't mean you should get that information at all costs but if you've been in that position you would understand the burning desire to know exactly what's going on.

- those who perhaps have not had to deal with infidelity first hand and therefore may be more inclined to give the alleged cheater the benefit of the doubt, and recommend the usual communication between couples thing.

i won't take sides on the invasion of privacy issue because i think the real decision that SB or anyone has to make in her situation is not whether or not to snoop, but what kind of person you want to be. i know it's hard but if you can think ahead a year or more from now, looking back on this episode in your life, would you like to be the kind of person who:

- was commited enough to your marriage to stay the course through good times and bad ('bad' is in the vows for a reason you know, and marriages do survive episodes of infidelity)

- was calm and patient enough to wait a few months to see what would happen because you may feel differently a few months hence when the dust has settled (you can walk out on a marriage anytime, no need to rush the decision)

- was graceful enough, when everything was falling apart, to not lose herself nor allow the episode to transform her into a paranoid, suspicious person

- etc

you may think this esoteric, but if you project yourself into the future and ask how you would like yourself to behave now and what kind of person you want to emerge as, then you may have found a way out of all the confusing options facing you here.

[Gaia]

Where is the said Scooterbiscuit by the way.. no comment .. or update for her concerned friends and observers on the board?

[KT]

hopefully taking care of important stuff

you ve decided to register... good move - welcome aboard to this side of the forum Gaia !

Where is the said Scooterbiscuit by the way.. no comment .. or update for her concerned friends and observers on the board?

[banana]

Call me crazy but I just think a relationship is about two individuals complementing each other, not becoming two halves to create one entity.

[Wind In My Hair]

Call me crazy but I just think a relationship is about two individuals complementing each other, not becoming two halves to create one entity.

i think most people here do call you crazy, banana.

and the point of that out-of-the-blue remark with regard to the topic is?

[banana]

Strictly tongue in cheek WIMH.

Point is, as individuals, you are entitled to your own boundaries and hopefully respect that of your partner. Anyone can find fault with another if they try hard enough.

[ScooterBiscuit]

Hi - I'm sorry for being an absent poster.

I've been busy trying to get to the bottom of this.

Still no answer, husband just dodges the questions - won't answer yes or no. To be quite honest I'm getting sick of asking the same question over and over again.

I have a plane ticket booked to go back to Australia next week. Will use the time apart to get my head together. At the moment I'm just angry.

Thanks for all the posts, support, encouragement and advice.

BTW - I didn't install the keylogger. I'm using his lap top and he's pretty clued up on what's been installed etc. Also, I think the main communication is via sms and phone calls.

[dot dot dot]

Take care scooter, wish you all the strength needed now, I think you got the answer already in a way. Now moving to the next stage of knowing what the consequences will be....

This is gonna be a real tough times ahead, I think you made a good decision in trying to clear your head back home in Australia with some friends and family.

Again, take care girl...

Eric

[ScooterBiscuit]

Thanks Eric.