husband is most likely having an affair

[sapphire]

You're more than welcome girl, see ya there!

[YF]

One of the lessons to be learned here is if you have a strong suspicion then you need to build your case and that may mean sitting on the information you hav for the time being. There is not point in confronting someone with someone, if when they deny it, you will still be in limbo. I had a similar experience awhile back and waited a few weeks. When I found out, it was spelled out for me and there could be no ambiguity.

In my gut I *KNEW* I was right, but that wasn't enough.

This whole thing with a 40 minute conversations with the number. Not good, although this is just my opinion. Because you have 6 years here, its not something you want to throw away on suspicion -- even strong suspicion. I feel for you here.

That said you need to get to the bottom of things. Now I know this wont go over well with some of the people on the board, but oh well, this is YOUR life, not theirs and you have very good reason to be suspicious--its not like people don't cheat either!

Anyways, if he is using the computer a lot, you might want to install a keylogger:

http://www.kmint21.com/keylogger/

This will keep a silent log of everything thats typed. Make sure you give him some time alone to use the computer obviously. This might be particularly helpful if he is using MSN messanger or something.

Well good luck. Let us know how things work out for you. In MY experience, and my experience only, from what I have seen you have good reason to be suspicious. Get to the bottoom of this, one way or the other. If you don't it'll fester and make it worse. Trust is the #1 thing in a relationship -- if deep down you feel you can't trust him you wont be able to move forward.

RDL

[banana]

Keylogging? Damn dude, that has got to be the shittiest advice I ever heard. I suppose the concept of privacy doesn't exist.

Agreed though that trust has to be the prime directive. Regardless of whether the bloke's a scumbag, it sounds like the OP is already convinced otherwise. I mean seriously, no matter how much we'd like to portray it, none of us were, are or will be angels.

[dot dot dot]

Keylogging? Damn dude, that has got to be the shittiest advice I ever heard. I suppose the concept of privacy doesn't exist.

Agreed though that trust has to be the prime directive. Regardless of whether the bloke's a scumbag, it sounds like the OP is already convinced otherwise. I mean seriously, no matter how much we'd like to portray it, none of us were, are or will be angels.

Are you suggesting an orgy?

Eric

[banana]

That can neither be confirmed nor denied.

[EADG]

there's a lot of advice in this thread and most of it is good

the problem with a lot of advice from a lot of people, from my own experience, is that it can't be applied to all people and we end up getting confused in the process

one thing that is undeniable, except when dealing with the occasional expert, is when calmly confronting someone you know that well with something like this, in the proper setting, and looking into their eyes, waiting for the response with an uncondemning fairness that should be extended unless it is proven elsewise, you should find the answer

[EADG]

Keylogging? Damn dude, that has got to be the shittiest advice I ever heard. I suppose the concept of privacy doesn't exist.

Agreed though that trust has to be the prime directive. Regardless of whether the bloke's a scumbag, it sounds like the OP is already convinced otherwise. I mean seriously, no matter how much we'd like to portray it, none of us were, are or will be angels.

is that the most sincere thing he's ever said or what?

[banana]

Suggest placing your bets on "or what"

[YF]

Keylogging? Damn dude, that has got to be the shittiest advice I ever heard. I suppose the concept of privacy doesn't exist.

Agreed though that trust has to be the prime directive. Regardless of whether the bloke's a scumbag, it sounds like the OP is already convinced otherwise. I mean seriously, no matter how much we'd like to portray it, none of us were, are or will be angels.

I would argue that the "right" to privacy was taken away when she discovered these messages: this girl needs to do what she needs to do to get to the bottom of this all. The rest of this girls life is in the balance here, and you are worried about "invasion of privacy"??? I think the right to know you can trust your husband, in light of this all, out-trumps one's right to privacy in this instance -- particularly when the truth affects her. Finally, this is not something that SHOULD be kept from her anyways, and therefore should not be "private" information anyways with respect to her.

If this were some kind of criminal case (depending on the severity), similar circumstances regarding a crime would probably give probable cause to get some kind of warrant or wiretap. Sure what she is doing may not be LEGAL, but law is not morality.

Do what you need to do,

RDL

[Mary Hatch Bailey]

I would argue that the "right" to privacy was taken away when she discovered these messages: this girl needs to do what she needs to do to get to the bottom of this all.
RDL

I agree with Rob. Now, in the times of deadly sexually transmitted diseases, Scooter needs to know once and for all what she is up against. It is unsavory and demeaning, but she must protect herself.

[Wind In My Hair]

the problem with a lot of advice from a lot of people, from my own experience, is that it can't be applied to all people and we end up getting confused in the process

well said, and i agree. i guess the usefulness of a forum like this is for SB to vent her frustrations, fears, and thoughts, knowing that someone is listening and she's not alone. just that modicum of companionship and knowing someone cares often allows us to hold on to our sanity when the world is crumbling about us. and sanity and a calm mind really helps when dealing with a difficult situation like this.

[Snowdrop]

Dear ScooterBiscuit

I'm totally agree with WIMH and EADG
For now, just take your time to cooling down and planning for your next step. Its always easier to say it than actually to do it.

Chin up and All the best for ya.

ps. i agree with you theory about infidelity. its like chicken and egg, which one first?

the problem with a lot of advice from a lot of people, from my own experience, is that it can't be applied to all people and we end up getting confused in the process

well said, and i agree. i guess the usefulness of a forum like this is for SB to vent her frustrations, fears, and thoughts, knowing that someone is listening and she's not alone. just that modicum of companionship and knowing someone cares often allows us to hold on to our sanity when the world is crumbling about us. and sanity and a calm mind really helps when dealing with a difficult situation like this.

[Vaucluse]

and sanity and a calm mind really helps when dealing with a difficult situation like this.

. . . as opposed to pronouncing him guilty with the complete knowledge based on this forum - oh, and the fact that this has happened to you, so everyone in the same predicament must be guilty.

Agreed, WIMH

[MorningGlory]

Keylogging? Damn dude, that has got to be the shittiest advice I ever heard. I suppose the concept of privacy doesn't exist.

Agreed though that trust has to be the prime directive. Regardless of whether the bloke's a scumbag, it sounds like the OP is already convinced otherwise. I mean seriously, no matter how much we'd like to portray it, none of us were, are or will be angels.

I would argue that the "right" to privacy was taken away when she discovered these messages: this girl needs to do what she needs to do to get to the bottom of this all. The rest of this girls life is in the balance here, and you are worried about "invasion of privacy"??? I think the right to know you can trust your husband, in light of this all, out-trumps one's right to privacy in this instance -- particularly when the truth affects her. Finally, this is not something that SHOULD be kept from her anyways, and therefore should not be "private" information anyways with respect to her.

If this were some kind of criminal case (depending on the severity), similar circumstances regarding a crime would probably give probable cause to get some kind of warrant or wiretap. Sure what she is doing may not be LEGAL, but law is not morality.

Do what you need to do,

RDL

Hear! Hear! YF.. agree with your points above

Scooterbisc- let us know how you are please...

[banana]

Keylogging? Damn dude, that has got to be the shittiest advice I ever heard. I suppose the concept of privacy doesn't exist.

Agreed though that trust has to be the prime directive. Regardless of whether the bloke's a scumbag, it sounds like the OP is already convinced otherwise. I mean seriously, no matter how much we'd like to portray it, none of us were, are or will be angels.

I would argue that the "right" to privacy was taken away when she discovered these messages: this girl needs to do what she needs to do to get to the bottom of this all. The rest of this girls life is in the balance here, and you are worried about "invasion of privacy"??? I think the right to know you can trust your husband, in light of this all, out-trumps one's right to privacy in this instance -- particularly when the truth affects her. Finally, this is not something that SHOULD be kept from her anyways, and therefore should not be "private" information anyways with respect to her.

If this were some kind of criminal case (depending on the severity), similar circumstances regarding a crime would probably give probable cause to get some kind of warrant or wiretap. Sure what she is doing may not be LEGAL, but law is not morality.

Do what you need to do,

RDL

Dude, we're not talking about homicide or treason here. It's not the work computer filled with sensitive information. We're talking about recording what a person types into the keyboard, akin to his most private thoughts, sometimes not even consciously. Would you read your wife's diary if you suspected her of getting jiggy with another man? Newsflash, shit happens.

Allowing her to vent? Fine. Providing moral support? If you insist. But providing her with a tool to breach the already paper thin trust between them? Dude, you're a dumbass.