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husband is most likely having an affair

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Vaucluse
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Postby Vaucluse » Mon, 17 Oct 2005 2:04 pm

Hope your rant is over - try to read what I said - you are so quick in condemning this guy from the safety of your chair - this is someone's relationship we are talking about, not a game for you to vent your anger at.

(I'm glad you find my posts entertaining - I aim to please, even grouches. :) )
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Postby MorningGlory » Mon, 17 Oct 2005 2:18 pm

Vaucluse wrote:Hope your rant is over - try to read what I said - you are so quick in condemning this guy from the safety of your chair - this is someone's relationship we are talking about, not a game for you to vent your anger at.

(I'm glad you find my posts entertaining - I aim to please, even grouches. :) )


1. I dont go searching for your posts, unfortunately on the rare occasions that i get into the board,, and some rare threads i follow , i dont have a choice but to come across yours. They dont entertain me at all, they make me sad.
2. I am aware this is a relationship- you too should read what i am saying as well as the others... Scooter concurs that it "smells like a rat" and I am a woman who has been through this scenario, you think i dont know what it feels like?

If you have any further comebacks please feel free to do so via PM and not here so that we dont have to force others to have to go thru your need to always have the last say and a rude one at that.

Scooter, youve seen my points and whilst one can laugh and say "hey, retail therapy, etc etc.. , this will undoubtedly be a trying time.. please PM if you'd like to discuss.

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Postby ScooterBiscuit » Mon, 17 Oct 2005 2:56 pm

His reaction was at first flat out denial.

He then got angry and said it made him mad that I don't trust him, and he wishes he did have an affair.

I'm with you. If I got SMS messages like that I would A) respond to the person sending them alerting them to the fact that they were sending the messages to the wrong person, B) show my husband.

I have a friend whose partner cheated online (no physical contact) - purely emotional cheating. He didn't see it as cheating as there was no physical contact. I think any situation where you cross the line between pure platonic friendship and something else is cheating. So whilst my husband may deny having an affair as it was a pure SMS thing, I disagree. Sorry - I am rambling on here..

Well I don't know what to do. He is denying everything. I'm not sure whether I go with my gut instinct and walk out, or take a leap of faith and trust him. The latter is hard to do as there are things that just don't add up.

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Postby varun » Mon, 17 Oct 2005 3:01 pm

ScooterBiscuit wrote:...hard to do as there are things that just don't add up.


ScooterBiscuit: his giving you the phone without deleting the messages doesn't add up either...

Just remember, there are differences in the way the genders approach things and the relative importance they assign to them.

Tread cautiously.

- V.
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Postby Vaucluse » Mon, 17 Oct 2005 3:14 pm

Tread cautiously.


Tha best advice, by a country mile. (Whatever a knee-jerk reaction may be, or if someon takes comments personally or out of context) Ask youself if it is possible that this is a case of mistaken identity.

Has the possibility of direct confrontation with the sender passed?
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Postby ScooterBiscuit » Mon, 17 Oct 2005 3:20 pm

No - I guess I could call the number.

However, I would rather find out what's going on from my husband

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Postby MorningGlory » Mon, 17 Oct 2005 3:43 pm

ScooterBiscuit wrote:His reaction was at first flat out denial.

He then got angry and said it made him mad that I don't trust him, and he wishes he did have an affair.

I'm with you. If I got SMS messages like that I would A) respond to the person sending them alerting them to the fact that they were sending the messages to the wrong person, B) show my husband.

I have a friend whose partner cheated online (no physical contact) - purely emotional cheating. He didn't see it as cheating as there was no physical contact. I think any situation where you cross the line between pure platonic friendship and something else is cheating. So whilst my husband may deny having an affair as it was a pure SMS thing, I disagree. Sorry - I am rambling on here..

Well I don't know what to do. He is denying everything. I'm not sure whether I go with my gut instinct and walk out, or take a leap of faith and trust him. The latter is hard to do as there are things that just don't add up.


Sigghhh
Scooter.
first reply to your last post- You most likely will NOT hear it from the horse's mouth. I dont say you never will but most likely if there is no proof, you will not. He comes under the category of men of will deny till the end. I know a woman who had her husband followed and had photos of them going into a hotel, getting into the room and leaving hours later, both times arms entwined, kissing etc.. and he denied he was having an affair. She didnt believe him but stayed in the marriage!

His reactions are typical- he will now make YOU out to be the bad guy- now YOU are jealous, YOU dont trust him, and the lowest of it all to say "he wishes he had an affair" .. now he can turn around and say "well, you accused me on it, i thought I might as well go out and do it"...
This is mental cruelty.

Regarding your friend- i totally agree with you that.. the moment the mind 'thinks' even if one does not act on it, it IS emotional infidelity. There's no two ways about it.

As varun said-- why did he give you the phone? He doesnt have the guts to tell you, so he might be trying to tell you in a roundabout way.

He will not tell you the truth Scooter. Lets assume worst case scenario- that he IS having an affair, then what- do you want to stay in the marriage and work it out? That is your choice and you have every right to.

But you dont know and he WILL not tell you. I know of many situations where men deny and women just buy it!! They buy it cos they say they have no 'proof' which is totally ridiculous...
I am not advocating you walking out of the house and the marriage. but i am also telling you to be firm, collect information that can verify and support your accusations and doubts- and most of all so he does not make you out to be such a fool.

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Postby ScooterBiscuit » Mon, 17 Oct 2005 3:51 pm

There's two things that I will not stand for - lying and infidelity.

Now I am not 100% certain that he has cheated, however, he knows my stance on these areas. If the shoe was on the other foot and he asked me about some strange messages on my phone I would tell him who they're from and explain why I engaged in such behaviour.

He is at work at the moment but I am going to do the following when he gets home:

Ask him who the sms was from. If he doesn't know, tell him he must find out and inform me.

If he will not do this I am leaving. Even if he is not having an affair, the fact that he will not answer my questions suggests to me that there is something seriously wrong.

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Postby MorningGlory » Mon, 17 Oct 2005 4:37 pm

my thots are in a PM- feel its better to do it that way

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Postby dot dot dot » Mon, 17 Oct 2005 5:00 pm

Vaucluse wrote:
MorningGlory wrote:
ScooterBiscuit wrote:Thank you so much for all your replies.


I gave him an ultimatum on Sunday -

I asked him if he was/had had an affair - he said no BS
I asked him who the sms were from - he said he didn't know the number or who they were from. BS
I asked him if he remembered getting them - he said no

I asked him if he had replied to them - he said no. BS

I'm not sure what to believe at the moment, but given that I don't want to throw away six years of marriage on a mere suspicion I am just taking some time to figure out what I want to do about all this.


"mere" suspicion?



And Morning Glory is an expert at detecting BS without proof? Be a bit more tactful - this is not your life you are playing with. I have also received sms's (not sexually laden ones) inadvertently from people I don't know - what's to say this is not the case with your hubby?


Agree with vaucluse here, and to add to that. You can verify whether he has sent sms-es back to the 'recipient', just check the phonebill, they do have the details on numbers you sms-ed here on your bill.

Eric

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Postby dot dot dot » Mon, 17 Oct 2005 5:03 pm

micknlea wrote:Hi SB,

It is hard to ask the right questions and get the true answers. As I said I have been in the same position, not that long ago.

It is hard to believe him with what you say is his total denial of everything...how can he know nothing about all of them if they were opened? Not as though there was only one of them, this is not your average one off wrong address sms.

Maybe it's just me but wouldn't it be natural that if you continually got some weird sms like this that you would have a joke about it...show your wife/husband etc so you could have a laugh together? Why would you not remember them?

I take it the number they are coming from is back home or wherever and not a local Singapore number? How recent were they? Were they from before you left and after you arrived here? Is his number local or still from home? Do you know the other number? Is/was this other person a friend? There are so many things that you need to ask him and yourself.

With time you will work out what is best for you. I am sure you will do the right thing.


just a wild guess. The lady could have met him in Singapore, but is residing abroad. Or she could have met him abroad, which explains he mentioned Singapore.

Eric

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Postby varun » Mon, 17 Oct 2005 5:05 pm

Eric from the Netherlands wrote:You can verify whether he has sent sms-es back to the 'recipient', just check the phonebill, they do have the details on numbers you sms-ed here on your bill.
Eric


Ummm... depends. With some carriers, only if you've opted for detailed-billing. If you aren't already on detailed billing, they may not be able to do this for you for your current bill...

Worse, if the line is in her husband's name (as is likely), HE will be the one who needs to request this. :(

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Postby dot dot dot » Mon, 17 Oct 2005 5:08 pm

MorningGlory wrote:
ScooterBiscuit wrote:His reaction was at first flat out denial.

He then got angry and said it made him mad that I don't trust him, and he wishes he did have an affair.

I'm with you. If I got SMS messages like that I would A) respond to the person sending them alerting them to the fact that they were sending the messages to the wrong person, B) show my husband.

I have a friend whose partner cheated online (no physical contact) - purely emotional cheating. He didn't see it as cheating as there was no physical contact. I think any situation where you cross the line between pure platonic friendship and something else is cheating. So whilst my husband may deny having an affair as it was a pure SMS thing, I disagree. Sorry - I am rambling on here..

Well I don't know what to do. He is denying everything. I'm not sure whether I go with my gut instinct and walk out, or take a leap of faith and trust him. The latter is hard to do as there are things that just don't add up.


Sigghhh
Scooter.
first reply to your last post- You most likely will NOT hear it from the horse's mouth. I dont say you never will but most likely if there is no proof, you will not. He comes under the category of men of will deny till the end. I know a woman who had her husband followed and had photos of them going into a hotel, getting into the room and leaving hours later, both times arms entwined, kissing etc.. and he denied he was having an affair. She didnt believe him but stayed in the marriage!

His reactions are typical- he will now make YOU out to be the bad guy- now YOU are jealous, YOU dont trust him, and the lowest of it all to say "he wishes he had an affair" .. now he can turn around and say "well, you accused me on it, i thought I might as well go out and do it"...
This is mental cruelty.

Regarding your friend- i totally agree with you that.. the moment the mind 'thinks' even if one does not act on it, it IS emotional infidelity. There's no two ways about it.

As varun said-- why did he give you the phone? He doesnt have the guts to tell you, so he might be trying to tell you in a roundabout way.

He will not tell you the truth Scooter. Lets assume worst case scenario- that he IS having an affair, then what- do you want to stay in the marriage and work it out? That is your choice and you have every right to.

But you dont know and he WILL not tell you. I know of many situations where men deny and women just buy it!! They buy it because they say they have no 'proof' which is totally ridiculous...
I am not advocating you walking out of the house and the marriage. but i am also telling you to be firm, collect information that can verify and support your accusations and doubts- and most of all so he does not make you out to be such a fool.


Well, well....

We ALL have our examples of cheating around us, but that doesnot mean this case is a cheating case for sure. Not one other case automatically confirms this is also a case of cheating, so be a bit more reluctant here, ok?

If I sneeze, does that mean the whole of Singapore is sneezing? :?

Eric

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Postby dot dot dot » Mon, 17 Oct 2005 5:11 pm

varun wrote:
Eric from the Netherlands wrote:You can verify whether he has sent sms-es back to the 'recipient', just check the phonebill, they do have the details on numbers you sms-ed here on your bill.
Eric


Ummm... depends. With some carriers, only if you've opted for detailed-billing. If you aren't already on detailed billing, they may not be able to do this for you for your current bill...

Worse, if the line is in her husband's name (as is likely), HE will be the one who needs to request this. :(

- V.


Starhub and Singtel do this as a standard for their subscription holders. You get a list of all sms-es you have sent and received.

M1 I don't know about.

Eric

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Postby Saint » Mon, 17 Oct 2005 5:19 pm

I've been reading this thread over the last few days not really knowing how to post without taking sides which is very easy to do when all the facts are not known.

A couple of thoughts I have, which are confusing me, are

1, If he is having an affair, why leave evidence in the form of SMS on his mobile and then lend you the mobile?

2, Has the originating Number have a "Name" attached to it?

If he has been a complete and utter prat and left sms with a name attached he's got alot of explaning to do and hasn't got a leg to stand on

But

A few months ago, my wife kept on getting calls, while at work, to her mobile from a "Private Number" who would then leave voice messages saying various things including

"Can't wait to see you later"
"I'll pick you up after work my love" etc etc

My wife was getting a little embarrassed by these messages and played them back to me. We had a chuckle to ourselves but still they were getting quite annoying.

I the end I took her mobile to work and sure enough a call came through and I answered it. The guy at the end of the line asked to speak to "Sharon". After letting him know he'd got completely wrong number and please delete it he apologised. Less than a minute later the mobile went again, same guy! Keeping my cool I asked him what number is he calling and he rolled of a land line number which was on his wife's business card?!

He was now as confused as I was and we finally realised his wife had put the wrong mobile number into her call forwarding from her land line!


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