husband is most likely having an affair

[banana]

Moral of the story:

Men are merely pawns in the Evil Empire.

[Wind In My Hair]

oh dear, ScooterBiscuit, i just read this and i'm so very sorry.

i've been cheated on before, i think, though i will never know for sure cos he denied it but as fred said, which man wouldn't? and my first instinct was to max out his credit card too though i didn't touch it in the end. so i understand where you're coming from. it's not so much the retail therapy, but something in me screamed how unfair it was and in that highly unbalanced emotional state it just felt like a way to right things somehow, just a wee bit.

without telling my story here, i just want to say that it doesn't really matter now what your husband or the other woman says. i know the desire to know the truth is very strong. i felt it too, but think of what could happen if you did confront her, or keep questioning him:

1. they both deny it, and you are no nearer to the truth. because if they were innocent they would deny it, and if they were guilty they probably would too.

2. they both admit it, and you, hurt out of your mind, need to know the extent of betrayal, and ask for details - what exactly happened, when, where etc. the mental images will torture you for a long time. it replayed a hundred times a day in my mind for months and i would start crying in all sorts of places at any time of day. not a useful thing for getting on with life.

3. they both tell different stories, and you are left wondering if you should believe your husband or a total stranger.

honey, i'm so sorry but the trust in your marriage has been lost. don't try to hold on to it. the only thing you have to decide now is whether IF it were true you can accept it and love him anyway. and once you have made that decision, i think what you need to do will become clear to you.

you are in my prayers.

[YF]

FIRST: Are you sure its his phone?? I was reading a story about a guy who was getting his cell repaired and was given a used repalcement. Well it hadn't been erased and it had a bunch of similar messages on it.

http://www.theregister.co.uk/2004/11/11/saucy_sms/

Anyways, since this is probably not the case (I hope it is!) I think you want to ask yourself if you would accept any of his excuses at this point. I am sure you would want to trust him and if he came up with a good excuse you might accept it, but still not trust him, and this may make it more difficult to actually catch him. If you think you have this nailed then confront him. If not, do your research and bide your time -- he has given you probably cause and so if you need to know beyond a shadow of a doubt then do what you have to do.

Sorry to hear about this. I know this sucks but you'll get through it. We always do if we hang in there long enough.

RDL

[ScooterBiscuit]

Thank you so much for all your replies.


I gave him an ultimatum on Sunday -

I asked him if he was/had had an affair - he said no

I asked him who the sms were from - he said he didn't know the number or who they were from.

I asked him if he remembered getting them - he said no

I asked him if he had replied to them - he said no.


I'm not sure what to believe at the moment, but given that I don't want to throw away six years of marriage on a mere suspicion I am just taking some time to figure out what I want to do about all this.

[Wham]

you could have checked his "sent" file. Maybe too late now.

[MorningGlory]

Thank you so much for all your replies.


I gave him an ultimatum on Sunday -

I asked him if he was/had had an affair - he said no BS
I asked him who the sms were from - he said he didn't know the number or who they were from. BS
I asked him if he remembered getting them - he said no

I asked him if he had replied to them - he said no. BS

I'm not sure what to believe at the moment, but given that I don't want to throw away six years of marriage on a mere suspicion I am just taking some time to figure out what I want to do about all this.

"mere" suspicion?

[ScooterBiscuit]

Yeah I know. It does look and smell like a proverbial rat

[Vaucluse]

Thank you so much for all your replies.


I gave him an ultimatum on Sunday -

I asked him if he was/had had an affair - he said no BS
I asked him who the sms were from - he said he didn't know the number or who they were from. BS
I asked him if he remembered getting them - he said no

I asked him if he had replied to them - he said no. BS

I'm not sure what to believe at the moment, but given that I don't want to throw away six years of marriage on a mere suspicion I am just taking some time to figure out what I want to do about all this.

"mere" suspicion?

And Morning Glory is an expert at detecting BS without proof? Be a bit more tactful - this is not your life you are playing with. I have also received sms's (not sexually laden ones) inadvertently from people I don't know - what's to say this is not the case with your hubby?

[varun]

FIRST: Are you sure its his phone?? I was reading a story about a guy who was getting his cell repaired and was given a used repalcement. Well it hadn't been erased and it had a bunch of similar messages on it.

http://www.theregister.co.uk/2004/11/11/saucy_sms/

This is EXACTLY what I thought. ScooterBiscuit, there IS a possibility, however remote, that the obvious answer isn't the correct one.

Check a few other things:

1. are the messages in his inbox on the phone or on the SIM? Some phones dump the SMS on the SIM. If they're on the SIM, no question that they were sent from his number. If they're NOT on the SIM, there's still a possibility that they weren't sent from his number (but were sent from his phone, which is not necessarily the same thing)

2. check the "sent receipts" - some phones (few) have this enabled by default, and in some cases users enable it on their own (I recommend it, btw). This places a check mark or a "message delivered" message indicating that a particular message has been received by the intended recipient (much like a "read receipt" in email, except that it doesn't always work properly). If you do find send receipts for messages to the offending number, there's unfortunately another nail in the coffin.

It would've been nice if you could call the telco and ask for confirmation that messages were sent by X number to Y number at Z time, but unfortunately that kind of information is simply not released as it's way too expensive to retrieve.

I sure hope it all works out in the end: if he's honest, that there's enough convincing evidence in his favour; and if he's lying, that you pick yourself up and continue with life (possibly without him), but try and avoid goind down the stereotypical "all men are the same" path.

Best,

- V.

[varun]

I have also received sms's (not sexually laden ones) inadvertently from people I don't know - what's to say this is not the case with your hubby?

One, even two messages received in error, is not an unknown phenomenon. But a litany of such messages - especially if they haven't been deleted and they have been read - now that's too much of a coincidence.

ScooterBiscuit: the messages you quoted, had they been opened or was the status still "new message" (in which case the scenario described by Vaucluse is certainly plausible)?

Best,

- V.

[ScooterBiscuit]

Hi Varun,

The messages had been opened. They were in his inbox.

The only thing that makes me suspicious about the whole dialogue is the reference to Singapore. I think it's unlikely that the message was sent by a stranger as they seem to know that he's in Singapore

[jag78]

Hey scooterbiscuit,

I read your thread and I'm really sorry this had to happen to you.

The messages had been opened. They were in his inbox.

The only thing that makes me suspicious about the whole dialogue is the reference to Singapore. I think it's unlikely that the message was sent by a stranger as they seem to know that he's in Singapore

I agree with you on this one, plus the fact that no names were mentioned hints at something discreet. The weird bit is the other party isn't residing in singapore, and unless he's away alot, it probably didn't start recently. Anyway, I really hope he comes clean so you can trash everything out with him.

[micknlea]

Hi SB,

It is hard to ask the right questions and get the true answers. As I said I have been in the same position, not that long ago.

It is hard to believe him with what you say is his total denial of everything...how can he know nothing about all of them if they were opened? Not as though there was only one of them, this is not your average one off wrong address sms.

Maybe it's just me but wouldn't it be natural that if you continually got some weird sms like this that you would have a joke about it...show your wife/husband etc so you could have a laugh together? Why would you not remember them?

I take it the number they are coming from is back home or wherever and not a local Singapore number? How recent were they? Were they from before you left and after you arrived here? Is his number local or still from home? Do you know the other number? Is/was this other person a friend? There are so many things that you need to ask him and yourself.

With time you will work out what is best for you. I am sure you will do the right thing.

[varun]

Well, that's that then. Sorry... and best of luck.

- V.

Hi Varun,

The messages had been opened. They were in his inbox.

The only thing that makes me suspicious about the whole dialogue is the reference to Singapore. I think it's unlikely that the message was sent by a stranger as they seem to know that he's in Singapore

[MorningGlory]

Thank you so much for all your replies.


I gave him an ultimatum on Sunday -

I asked him if he was/had had an affair - he said no BS
I asked him who the sms were from - he said he didn't know the number or who they were from. BS
I asked him if he remembered getting them - he said no

I asked him if he had replied to them - he said no. BS

I'm not sure what to believe at the moment, but given that I don't want to throw away six years of marriage on a mere suspicion I am just taking some time to figure out what I want to do about all this.

"mere" suspicion?

And Morning Glory is an expert at detecting BS without proof? Be a bit more tactful - this is not your life you are playing with. I have also received sms's (not sexually laden ones) inadvertently from people I don't know - what's to say this is not the case with your hubby?

Do me a favour Vcluse.. keep your PERSONAL ATTACKS out of my posts ok? Yes, i DO know what i am talking about... and i have nothing else to say to you. I see your posts all over the board and you attack a lot of people in a very personal, vicious and vitriolic way. Say it nicely, say it constructively, say it tactfully, (preferably DONT say anything at all but dont make it personal!)

Now back to you Scooter, sorry about that.. if I had been in that situation and let say i was NOT having an affair and i had really got such messages and my partner asked me about them.. what would i do? Id be bloody worried wouldnt i? I'd say, lets call up this person right now and tell them they have accidently sent me these messages (and id do it in front of my partner) or tell my partner to send back messages to that person saying they sent messages to the wrong number.

So scooter did he do that? or was there a dead pan look, look of horror, etc etc.. did he laugh, did he get angry... etc etc his reactions to your questions will tell you a bit about whats going on.,..