husband is most likely having an affair

[Strong Eagle]

Hi - it's me. I'm back in Australia.

How is everyone else

Glad you're back. Hope you are well. Since you posted in this thread, I'll make one comment about one comment you made... something to the effect that "he'll regret it".

Perhaps so, but such a view smacks of a "I told you so" mentality... a punishment, if you will. "You have lost me, you uncomprehending moron!" Unfortunately, transgressors are rarely punished, and you will be left unhappy that he didn't "get it".

Better to look after yourself. Wish him a happy life. Revenge and hate do a far more terrible toll on the holder than on the target.

Best of luck to you.

[Wind In My Hair]

Better to look after yourself. Wish him a happy life. Revenge and hate do a far more terrible toll on the holder than on the target.

trust SE to remind us of such a profound and important truth. i myself needed that i guess, so thanks SE.

and Scooter, glad to hear from you again. hope you're enjoying your time back home. do continue to check in here now and then, we just want to know you're ok.

[dot dot dot]

not just with whole my heart, bit with all I've got, I agree with with SE: do not concentrate on him, do not even think about him (I know, it is part of the grief process...), it is about you scooter, and so far I respect you soooo much for every posting of yours, as it showed progress and big steps in the right direction. So take care scooter, just take care...

Eric

[Bubbles]

I'm not joining in the 'who said what to whom, and if it offends' line here....this is just to SB...

I wish you well, wherever you are SB. Not sure if you're back at home yet, but good, good luck to you in whatever you do. All I wanted to add was a little addenda to your 'I'm not sure what made him cheat...etc'....

I'm saying this with a sigh, and a sad heart....and a little knowledge of life.....

Don't worry about WHY he did it SB....and for goodness sake, if you've joined a gym and lost weight, fine...but for you, right? Not for him....

My experience in life is this...sad as it may be......and it hurts to say it, but all out there will most probably agree.....

Many men....and women....WILL JUST CHEAT. They have NO REASON to do so. Their partners are NOT lacking in any way, they are not worse than any new lovers in any respect.

Many times, people will cheat simply...........because THEY CAN GET AWAY WITH IT....and that's all.

I'm not saying men are worse than women. I know lots of girls who've had affairs for the 'zing' of it....nothing more.

Yes, I'm afraid it's also true that if an attractive woman comes a man's way they do seem to always consider cheating..........but they don't always follow up....and that's where the scumbags get separated from the good guys...and girls.

In earlier life, when I was in my twenties and early thirties etc, I used to get absolutely furious if my man looked at another woman, and I went through agonies imagining him sleeping with other women......

Now though, I know it's natural for men to find almost all women attractive, all the time, they can't help themselves...........but NOW, at this age.....if he went off with someone, or started behaving like a prat, well the difference now is that I'd say 'Sod off mate' rather than have the horrors......I have to say that I'd also make damn sure whatever woman was involved got the sharp edge of my tongue, and perhaps more......

What I'm saying is that NOW.....it's me first................and no crying or wasting time wondering why, when, if, how, who.............If a man caused me grief it would be bin time in no time......just as I'd expect to be binned myself if I caused that much grief to my partner. Yes, I know there will be those of you who will say.....'Talk it over, give it time, find the truth...etc etc.......' But I'm sorry, as time goes by you get tired of that sort of crap cos you see it happening to so many friends, and we are so very damned good at fooling ourselves, aren't we?

How many times have you spoken to a friend, trying to comfort them....knowing that their bloke (or woman) is a rat....yet not speaking up? Many times I'll bet.

Sometimes I get fed up of the waffle, sorry.

Scooter...........just do what YOU want. Love yourself, and don't take crap for answers. Sorry, you've invested so much, but all the more reason why you shouldn't be fobbed off with half answers, truths etc.

I wish you all the luck in the world, and if you get back with your bloke, I wish you all the best there too.
Bubbs.

[ScooterBiscuit]

Thanks Bubs.

Sorry for not posting for a while. Have been down in the dumps a bit lately.

I am seeing a therapist to help me get through this.

[Mary Hatch Bailey]

Thanks Bubs.

Sorry for not posting for a while. Have been down in the dumps a bit lately.

I am seeing a therapist to help me get through this.

That is a brilliant plan. Right, now -- reach around and give yourself a big pat on the back for taking care of yourself.

As smart as we all think we are, there are times in this world when asking for help is the smartest thing we can do. Finding out your spouse is having an affair is like a little death.

Your marriage, as you knew it, is dead.
Your identity as a wife, dead.
Your vision of yourself as his 'one and only' is dead.

But here's the good part: like Lazarus, it can be reborn. And when it does (and it will) you will be stronger and wiser. But like a death, you need to follow the steps: denial, anger, grief, bargaining, and acceptance.

Hang in there Scooter and repeat to yourself like a mantra. I am not to blame for what happened. What he did was a refelction of his actions alone. I did not deserve this and did not ask for this. I take half of the responsibility for the marriage but none of the blame for the affair. I don't deserve this.

You'll come out on the other side of this tunnel, I swear

[Wind In My Hair]

That is a brilliant plan. Right, now -- reach around and give yourself a big pat on the back for taking care of yourself.

yes scooter, give yourself a hug from me too. and agree seeing a therapist is one of the most sensible things you could do. well done on taking that step.

mary is right. women tend to blame ourselves when a relationship goes wrong. re-living the good and bad times, asking a million "if" questions, wondering what we could have done differently... and yet in the end we are not responsible for someone else's choices in life. easier said than done i know, but letting go, and taking care of yourself, would be the best thing you can do right now.

just hang in there, and when the sun has risen and set enough times, one day you'll wake up and everything will be ok again.

[Bubbles]

I agree wholeheartedly with Strong Eagle about transgressors rarely being 'punished.'

I guess it's only natural to envisage scenes of torture, mayhem, madness, etc on your 'rival' or your ex loved one if you're done down by them.

Who here hasn't daydreamed the old, old dream about walking into a pub, club, restaurant or wherever looking hotter than July ourselves, only to see your ex with his bit of stuff....and she is either looking rough, or spotty, or pregnant, or has varicose veins.....or all his family finds they hate her....and he's so, soooooooooo sorry he left you.

Of course, it's mostly crap and the 'new' person gets all you used to have, all the love, all the family stuff, and what's more, they are most probably ok people in real life.....

Yes, it's true, all these 'I'll get you back, you bloody bastard' thoughts just are a waste of space and leave us feeling dreadful, the energy we put into them.

OK, I KNOW it's hard NOT to think it, and who, in the middle of dreadful upset can think straight?....but from the far off, gone through it, moved on vantage point we have at the moment, it's obviously the best thing to do.......

Either wish them luck....or just turn your face away if that's impossible....cos the honest truth is......

If he's chosen someone else, whatever happens.....he's moved on, and doesn't want you as much as her and hurt though it does, the way to make it hurt less is to stop banging your head against a door that's already shut.....

Revenge, they say, is a dish best served cold.....but I think it should be off the menu altogether cos it'll only make you feel good for a second or two....and then make you sick, sick.

What better 'revenge' than to move on without a big show......it'll at least make them think....'errm.....she couldn't have thought that much of me if she's willing to just let go without a big hoohah!'

I think this is one of the only instances where pride does not come before a fall.....being proud not to be vengeful...

[micknlea]

Hi SB,
I can feel your anger and pain in this and other threads. It seems that along with time passing and returning to Oz everything is now becoming very real and final.

It's OK to feel angry, used and abused. It's natural, and it's a phase you need to go through otherwise you will hold it inside forever, but just don't stick there for too long as it only holds you back and makes you a shadow of your real self.

It's obvious from your posts that you a strong person with plenty of oomph and get up and go, but that part of you has just gone away for a while. It will come back if you help it along.

It's easy for people to say get rid of the anger etc etc but sometimes it just isn't that easy and you "can't do it overnight but you can do it".

My suggestion, small though it is, is to use that angry energy to do something positive instead. In fact try and do something just for you, perhaps something you thought you could never do, maybe something you thought beyond your capabitilities, and preferably make it something that will take you a while to do rather than a one-off thing.

For example I learnt to swim, something I had never been able to do, and I had to face a huge fear of water to do it. It was hard, it took me over six months, and there were lots of times when I felt like giving up, but I kept on because I was doing it for me, to prove to myself and myself only that I could do it. When I eventually got that little certificate to say I could swim 25metres, I felt on top of the world, and in a strange way instead of hating my husband I thanked him (in my head only I might add!!!) for making me realise that I was better than I thought I was.

I hope this helps a bit. Right now its hard to raise a smile and your emotions are in total turmoil, but hang in there, be positive and you will come out shining in the end!

[Bubbles]

It's true, the most amazing feats have been achieved by those of us who feel we are disadvantaged. It takes a world changing event (in our world, not only the outside world) for this to happen.

And what more of an event than to feel our most basic beliefs in someone have been shaken than to spur us onto effort in other parts of our life.

Scooter, you go for it girl, but only when you feel you've got the energy to do so. Best now to talk about it with your expert, then treat yourself to quiet time, then blast off in new directions.....we're all with you.

Bubbs.

[Bubbles]

YEAH YEAH.....I know the above sounds all 'Wooley and New Age Group Hug' type stuff, but we all know the only way is onwards and upwards after a big upset, don't we, and all I'm trying to say is that SB should know we've all been there and look.....we're still here and able to laugh again, right?