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husband is most likely having an affair

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dot dot dot
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Postby dot dot dot » Fri, 14 Oct 2005 10:29 pm

I am not blaming anyone here for coming with their own horrorstories, but I agree wholeheartedly with Sapphire: Don't jump to conclusions yet, confront him and get it straight. If you are married, your relationship should also enable you to talk this over til it is on the table.

Sorry, but going on a shopping frenzie on his credit card is the last thing you should do now.

Go and talk to your husband and let him talk it all out to you.

Every minute you are not doing that, is killing yourself with this.

Go girl, NOW

Eric

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Postby Bubbles » Sat, 15 Oct 2005 12:27 am

Yes, I too agree with Eric, but here lies one difference between men and women...........

I say shop, he says not..........and if you overshop, well, you can always be sorry.........but I say you had damn good reason to....

You see, shopping makes us feel SOOOOOO much better. Men will never understand this I think.........

No, not being lighthearted about the original problem, this poor girl needs us to chat to, and in any group of peeps, she'll get different opinions...but as long as we're here, that's what counts, isn't it?
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Dylan Thomas.

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Postby fredchong » Sat, 15 Oct 2005 1:22 am

Yes Eric, I have heard that shopping therapy is almost instantaneously gratifying. Especially gratifying if it's spending on your husband's cards.

ScooterBiscuit, I think you should confront him with the phone's messages and get the truth out of him. It's always harder to hear the truth, but you will have all your "did he?"s and "is he doing that?"s cleared up. As a guy, I would honestly tell you that for a guy, to lie would be the first INSTINCT. Nevertheless, since he is your husband, you should have it out with him. Follow what Eric said and do that straightaway. Every moment you think about it, is another moment in agony for yourself.

and btw, i luuuurve the way you put it as you're unbelievably cute. Honestly, sometimes guys want and need to be physically and emotionally "glorified". If I can put it that way. I can recall a long time ago, when a nice girl unexpectedly held my arm, like a damsel would to a villian-baddie-mafia-boss-type guy, you know, at my upper arm. It made me feel so good. Just that little touch and it changed my life forever.

Guys fall for stupid little small gestures. Guys will know what I mean. It's not really the same when a KTV girl lapdances on me or a drunk-chick falls over me. (Figure of speech. NOT frequent events in my life!)

I feel sorry for you too, cos I know it does hurt. My girlfriend (now my wife) forgave me for what I did, but the pain in her lives forever. I also saw that pain in the tears that I watched fall. It made such a deep impression on my heart that I vowed never to hurt her again.

I wish you all the best and I'll be praying for you and your husband.

Fred
Last edited by fredchong on Sat, 15 Oct 2005 7:43 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Postby ScooterBiscuit » Sat, 15 Oct 2005 1:41 am

you guys rock!!!

you are so sweet. here I am in a country all alone and you are all here for me. I'm misty eyed.

Yes it totally sucks that my husband is such a dickweed.

I have just confronted him with the dirty truth and he's totally dodging the question. Which, leads me to believe that yes he is totally having an affair.

Whilst I[m crushed and really mad that I left the city that I loved (sydney) to come over here and be with him, I'm coping remarkably well. I'm sad but I'm kinda ok. I guess this is no surprise and has been coming for a while. I'm gonna go and check into a hotel and then book a flight back to Australia and to people who'l look after me,

I'll check back in.

BTW - I bought him cufflinks ( platinum gold) for our wedding anniversary - tomorrow. Anyone want them (not free - sorry)?

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Postby ScooterBiscuit » Sat, 15 Oct 2005 1:50 am

so when is this WNDC? Might join up with you now that I have a serious reason to drink

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Postby Mary Hatch Bailey » Sat, 15 Oct 2005 7:20 am

Scooter,

I agree with Eric and Bubbles that you should ask your husband directly about this and the sooner the better. In a blue sky world however, you would go see a thereapist first who can help you build your self-esteem a bit -- and know what to expect from his side and also what you should ask for. Or at least help you gain a little clarity. If you are comfortable with the idea, you can make it part of your reconciliation that you see a marriage counselor together. And sorry for this, but there should be an AIDS test right away, this should not be negotiable.

MHB

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Postby Vaucluse » Sat, 15 Oct 2005 8:48 am

Mary Hatch Bailey wrote:I agree with Vaucluse:

Knee the jerk right in the balls!



Hmm, can I call your interpreation a form of creative thinking? Should we hang, draw and quarter him beore he gets neutered with a piece of coarse rope?

Hang on, I have an idea . . . . Talk to him first! (Surely you can't misinterpret that, Mary - she who has become so much more forceful with her change of name :) )

If he denies all, why not phone the number that the sms came from and confront the otehr side?
......................................................

'nuff said Image

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Postby sapphire » Sat, 15 Oct 2005 9:02 am

Bubbles wrote:I say shop, he says not..........and if you overshop, well, you can always be sorry.........but I say you had damn good reason to....

You see, shopping makes us feel SOOOOOO much better. Men will never understand this I think.........

I don't understand shopping either, so maybe I'm not a woman eh? :P
Shopping is soooooo tiresome!

Scooter, all I can say is that if you're married, you should be able to talk things out, if he's dodging the subject, issue him an ultimatum - Either he talks, or you walk! Good to know that you have friends who care about you, its always good at such a time to surround yourself with people who love you.

WNDC takes place every Wednesday. WNDC = Wednesday Night Drinking Club. Look it up in the Events, Friends section on Monday. You'll meet lots of nice and friendly people there...

...and goodluck with your future, hope everything works out for ya. :)
It's not getting any smarter out there. You have to come to terms with stupidity, and make it work for you.

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Postby EADG » Sat, 15 Oct 2005 11:51 am

Bubbles wrote:
DON'T RING THE NUMBER, DON'T GIVE HER THE PLEASURE.


sorry, a bit off an honourable topic, but are women really like this?

if I were cheating with another guy's wife, and he called me in a similar fashion, I would feel hugely shameful
Ape Shall Not Kill Ape

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Postby Mary Hatch Bailey » Sat, 15 Oct 2005 12:07 pm

Vaucluse wrote:If he denies all, why not phone the number that the sms came from and confront the otehr side?


Because the person at the other end of that number is toxic.

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Postby Wham » Sat, 15 Oct 2005 3:02 pm

Definitely call the number. IF it is serious, she may tell you - and at least you will know that it is serious. IF it was some of very stupide fling, that may also come out.

And by the way - why was he so stupid to lend you the phone if he was having an affair? It is the one thing that does not add up.

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Postby Mary Hatch Bailey » Sat, 15 Oct 2005 3:08 pm

Wham wrote:Definitely call the number. IF it is serious, she may tell you - and at least you will know that it is serious. IF it was some of very stupide fling, that may also come out.

And by the way - why was he so stupid to lend you the phone if he was having an affair? It is the one thing that does not add up.


Why would the person on the other end of the phone suddenly behave truthfully and with integrity? Having an affair with a married man is evidence that exactly the opposite would happen.

There really is no such thing as a 'stupid fling' -- that's a guilty person's excuse and rationalization. It's a break of faith no matter what you call it.

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Postby EADG » Sat, 15 Oct 2005 5:01 pm

Mary Hatch Bailey wrote:
Wham wrote:Definitely call the number. IF it is serious, she may tell you - and at least you will know that it is serious. IF it was some of very stupide fling, that may also come out.

And by the way - why was he so stupid to lend you the phone if he was having an affair? It is the one thing that does not add up.


Why would the person on the other end of the phone suddenly behave truthfully and with integrity? Having an affair with a married man is evidence that exactly the opposite would happen.


that would bring another variable into the equation- if she actually knew he was married when they got involved

from what I read on boards like this, there seems to be some sort of fascination with married men for some women, which I personally find hard to grok

Mary Hatch Bailey wrote:There really is no such thing as a 'stupid fling' -- that's a guilty person's excuse and rationalization. It's a break of faith no matter what you call it.


if I could hazard a guess at what I think he meant by that, more of a superfical fling vs. one where there are more emotions involved - if it were me in that situation I'd be more concerned about the latter

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Postby Mary Hatch Bailey » Sat, 15 Oct 2005 5:26 pm

OK, but I think both scenarios suck equally as much for different reasons.

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Postby Bubbles » Sat, 15 Oct 2005 5:59 pm

The reasons I said not to ring the number...here they are (and for the EADG here's an insight into a female's mind, this female mind, not every female mind, we all think differently)........

1. If they had been 'having an affair' as it's so sweetly put (as opposed to him creeping out to shag someone else)....then he's dishonouring his wife/partner at home, and why should the burden of the huge grief at having to actually speak to the slapper be on HER shoulders? (yes, yes, he's a slapper too)

2. The wife is the innocent one here and has the higher ground, if there IS any ground to make up it is up to him to see that she has all the answers and not for the poor girl to go grubbing around trying to chase up mucky facts.

3. She should ask HIM as HE is the one she has invested time, love, effort and trust in. It's HIM who's stuck the knife in. The lover has too, but at one remove....why should this innocent woman dirty her hands with rif raf like the 'other woman?'

4. When this all blew up in his face...i.e....when wife told him....don't you think the very first thing he'd have done was to warn the lover not to say anything.....yet another indication of lost closeness between man/wife...that he would run (on the phone) to another woman....who would want to be part of the charade then? Not the wife, surely? This should be way beneath her. Get HIM to talk, yes, but DO NOT give this other female any importance by bringing her into the discussion face to face. Who knows, the lover may have been waiting for this to happen, hoping her lover would fall into her arms when it was all out in the open....and if that is the case do you think this person would have thought how terribly hurtful the disclosures would be to the wife....YEAH, RIGHT!

The only problem with the 'flow' of this scenario is the fact that the hubby gave the phone to his wife...........don't you think that's very strange???

Please, please don't let this be some made up story just to get us writing. Sorry, sorry, I know it's almost certainly a real story, and a very sad one............but the fact that he GAVE a moby with potentially damning messages on, STILL INTACT to his wife in INCREDIBLE. This guy is either insane, extremely under stress, forgetful or wanting to be caught.......

Which gives the situation a whole new spin.......

Whatever the problem, this must be sorted out between the two main protagonists..........and not with some walk on character (the lover)......yes, she may very well turn out to be a main player later on in this drama, but as of NOW...the only two who need to act in this are man and wife.....

Yes, my gut reaction would be to hurt him as much as possible, by money, dishonour, even violence, but in my heart I'd know I'd come off worse in the eyes of the world for these things.....but they are hard to eradicate in a human being, feelings of rage and betrayal.....so with that in mind, maybe a bit of plastic bashing is the very least someone would get and think themselves lucky at it!!!!
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.



Dylan Thomas.


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