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husband is most likely having an affair

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MorningGlory
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Postby MorningGlory » Thu, 20 Oct 2005 10:20 am

You are entitled to all the opinions you wish to express sapphire and I would prefer not to comment on your post. I am glad you feel better have said all you had to say.

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k1w1
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Postby k1w1 » Thu, 20 Oct 2005 11:38 am

I wanted to stay out of this, because it was bitchy and crappy but Morning Glory, I have to agree with what Sapphie just said.

Anyone who has ever been in a relationship has probably been hurt and perhaps been cheated on. But you know, it takes a whole other dimension when someone you have been with for a very long time and have moved countries for, or married/had children with abuses that trust.

I mean no disrespect and I do not mean to diminish anyone elses hurt, but a life partner being emotionally involved with someone (as these messages certainly sound eg: "love you XXOO"), would be absolutely devastating.

While I am sure that you do understand the feeling of having your heart ripped out, no one except ScooterBiscuit herself really knows how this feels or the dynamics of her marriage. So please don't "give her things to think about" or "situations to mull" as she is probably very fragile and confused. I am sure you have the best intentions, but really it is just not your place.

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Postby Wind In My Hair » Thu, 20 Oct 2005 12:10 pm

wanted to stay out of this too, but have to agree with k1w1 and the rest. no matter how good our intentions are, it does not help SB to put unfounded notions into her head and confuse her even further. she knows her situation best and has to make her own decision on this. it's great that people are there for her, but a listening ear rather than a ready lip is more advisable, for all of us actually.

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Thank you everyone

Postby ScooterBiscuit » Thu, 20 Oct 2005 1:47 pm

Thanks for all of your thoughts and advice.

I appreciate everyone's thoughts equally - those who have experienced what I'm going through and those who haven't but are able to offer advice from a different angle.

This forum has helped me shape in my mind what the best course of action is - whether I agree or disagree with the posts. It's been great for me to get advice from both ends of the spectrum.

My initial train of action was to simply walk out the door, max his credit cards and make life as hurtful for him as possible. I realise after reading all your kind and supportive posts that this is probably not the best course of action. At the moment, I need to satisfy myself. If he will not answer my questions about what is going on it signifies that the problem goes deeper than just an affair with another party. It signifies to me that we no longer share everything in the marriage and are no longer equal partners.

He is not willing to remedy that situation. So I am going to take some time out for myself. Go back to Australia, find employment and become an independent person again. If things work out or they don't, at least I have gained my inner strength and whatever happens I will be a happier person for it in the long run.

At this stage I do not know the truth. Only what I can piece together. There are SMS messages on his phone that suggest something more than a plutonic friendship, he has since deleted all those messages. There are phone calls to that number on his phone bill that suggest that this is someone he knows by the length of time he was on the phone, calling the number a woman answered but refused to give her name. The number has since been disconnected. My husband says he does not know the number, does not remember getting the messages and did not reply to them. I can draw a conclusion from all of these facts but until he gives me confirmation I will never know.

I have been trying to come up with reasons that he might cheat. All I can think of is that I have become a more confident, independent and happy person in the last six months. I quit a job that I hated to spend some time figuring out what I want to do career wise, I have joined the gym and lost weight, my new found confidence has seen me make more friends and attract people to me. I guess that could be fairly threatening to a guy. I think he realises that I no longer rely on him as much as I used to.

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Postby sapphire » Thu, 20 Oct 2005 4:53 pm

My apologies MorningGlory, I shouldn't have been so nasty. I'm sure all you want to do is help. Sorry once again. Truce?

SccoterBiscuit, goodluck to you girl. I bet you'll sort out your life soon enough. :)
It's not getting any smarter out there. You have to come to terms with stupidity, and make it work for you.

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Wind In My Hair
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Postby Wind In My Hair » Thu, 20 Oct 2005 5:33 pm

ScooterBiscuit, way to go girl. from the sound of your last post, you've come a long way from the first shock, and i have a feeling you're going to emerge from this just fine, painful as it is right now.

you take care ya?

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Troubles

Postby MorningGlory » Thu, 20 Oct 2005 6:23 pm

Thanks Sapphire. I appreciate and accept your apology.

Contrary to some comments of others that I was putting "thoughts in her head", these are thoughts Scooter already was pondering anyway and Im sure there were others in SB's life (family, friends near and far, etc) other than us she was discussing with who would have counselled and adviced.

I was just browsing through a newsletter i received a minute ago and thought this story might be useful to anyone having troubles:


I hired a plumber to help me restore an old farmhouse, and after he had just finished a rough first day on the job: a flat tire made him lose an hour of work, his electric drill quit and his ancient one ton truck refused to start. While I drove him home, he sat in stony silence.

On arriving, he invited me in to meet his family. As we walked toward the front door, he paused briefly at a small tree, touching the tips of the branches with both hands.

When opening the door he underwent an amazing transformation. His tanned face was wreathed in smiles and he hugged his two small children and gave his wife a kiss.

Afterward he walked me to the car. We passed the tree and my curiosity got the better of me. I asked him about what I had seen him do earlier.

"Oh, that's my trouble tree," he replied. "I know I can't help having troubles on the job, but one thing's for sure, those troubles don't belong in the house with my wife and the children. So I just hang them up on the tree every night when I come home and ask God to take care of them. Then in the morning I pick them up again."

"Funny thing is," he smiled, "when I come out in the morning to pick 'em up, there aren't nearly as many as I remember hanging up the night before."

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Troubles

Postby MorningGlory » Thu, 20 Oct 2005 6:24 pm

Thanks Sapphire. I appreciate and accept your apology.

Contrary to some comments of others that I was putting "thoughts in her head", these are thoughts Scooter already was pondering anyway and Im sure there were others in SB's life (family, friends near and far, etc) other than us she was discussing with who would have counselled and adviced.

I was just browsing through a newsletter i received a minute ago and thought this story might be useful to anyone having troubles:


I hired a plumber to help me restore an old farmhouse, and after he had just finished a rough first day on the job: a flat tire made him lose an hour of work, his electric drill quit and his ancient one ton truck refused to start. While I drove him home, he sat in stony silence.

On arriving, he invited me in to meet his family. As we walked toward the front door, he paused briefly at a small tree, touching the tips of the branches with both hands.

When opening the door he underwent an amazing transformation. His tanned face was wreathed in smiles and he hugged his two small children and gave his wife a kiss.

Afterward he walked me to the car. We passed the tree and my curiosity got the better of me. I asked him about what I had seen him do earlier.

"Oh, that's my trouble tree," he replied. "I know I can't help having troubles on the job, but one thing's for sure, those troubles don't belong in the house with my wife and the children. So I just hang them up on the tree every night when I come home and ask God to take care of them. Then in the morning I pick them up again."

"Funny thing is," he smiled, "when I come out in the morning to pick 'em up, there aren't nearly as many as I remember hanging up the night before."

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micknlea
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Postby micknlea » Thu, 20 Oct 2005 8:49 pm

Hi ScooterBiscuit
Like the others have said, it's good to hear that you have been able to sit and think about what you are going to do. You do sound like a confident and spirited person and with that I am sure that no matter what you will come out of this just fine. :)

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Wind In My Hair
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Re: Troubles

Postby Wind In My Hair » Thu, 20 Oct 2005 9:45 pm

MorningGlory wrote:Contrary to some comments of others that I was putting "thoughts in her head", these are thoughts Scooter already was pondering anyway and Im sure there were others in SB's life (family, friends near and far, etc) other than us she was discussing with who would have counselled and adviced.

MG,

just wanted to add my apology to sapphire's for jumping on the bandwagon and making you feel like we were all picking on you. i didn't mean that you were putting thoughts in SB's head. i meant that in general well-meaning people should let her make her own judgments and decisions, and that includes all of us, you and me as well.

like i said, i wanted to stay out of it but i guess we were all worried for SB and i just wanted to make my point about leaving her alone to make up her own mind. looks like she has done exactly that, and perhaps you helped her more than we realise.

maybe in all our eagerness to help we tripped over each other a little. if you will accept, here is a hug and kiss ok?

:console: :kiss:

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Postby dot dot dot » Thu, 20 Oct 2005 10:27 pm

I made my point to MG, and stick to it, so no Eric in the grouphug here... :-|

Eric

ScooterBiscuit
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morning glory

Postby ScooterBiscuit » Thu, 20 Oct 2005 10:37 pm

Guys, can I just say, you and Morning Glory have been a pillar of strength for me.

Morning Glory has PMd me and has really helped me start to deal with this as a person who has experienced what I am going through. I really appreciate her support, advice and candor. I have also really appreciated everything you guys have said. It's good to have advice from all view points.

If I was alone in this I can't imagine the hell I would be in right now - so thank you all. I know that whatever happens I will be OK in the end. This is because I have people like you to steer me through (in the words of Van Morrison).

I have a detective friend in Aust finding out who the number is. Once I know I'll be able to confront my husband and finally sort this out. I am so blessed to have found you - I will be a on this forum for life.

I didn't show up at WNDC - too sad and didn't want to bring others down. I'm going back to Aust next week but I will be back and will join you some time in the future.

Cheers

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banana
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Postby banana » Thu, 20 Oct 2005 10:51 pm

May you find exactly what you want.


PS: I don't hug people who take themselves seriously either. Unless they're really hot. And female.
some signatures are more equal than others

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Postby whatalark » Thu, 20 Oct 2005 11:00 pm

one good thing has come out of this sad situation: in this thread, ScooterBiscuit gave three people a chance to show what decency and goodness of heart look like.

I don't have anything to add to all the advice that has already been given, ScooterBiscuit, but I do want to wish you Peace. Ya, I know it sounds so contradictory to the circumstances you're in, but I wish it for you anyway.
no trees were hurt in the making of this post but a few electrons were terribly inconvenienced

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Postby Wham » Sat, 22 Oct 2005 8:38 pm

ok, i have been avoiding responding to Moaning Glory's over-the-top rantings out of respect to Scooter Biscuit, but the fact that i find myself in TOTAL agreement with banana and Eric forces me to write in support of their contention that MG is a bit over zealous.

SB - take a break and if need be move on - but love is a strong bond and can survive many traumas. If you make it though this - maybe you will find an even stronger relationship. If you do move on - hopefully there will be happiness at the other end of all this pain. BUT - Don't let those who already have apparently broken hearts make you give up hope too soon.

Moaning Glory - i am sorry that someone somewhere has broken your heart so bad that it is irreparable. However, i must say - sometime people bring things on themselves - and your nausiating self rightious attitude would CERTAIN QUALITY!!!


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