Teenagers!

[Matney]

I have a 14 yr old son and a daughter who will be 13 in 2 months. My son thinks school is a hassle, doesn't want to put much effort into his homework and doesn't care for what his parents have to say. Can anyone advise us? Where does one go to for help here in Singapore? I have spoken to the school, the counselor at school, and written to the 3 teachers who sent home reports, only heard back from one who we meet up with. I'm not going to have much hair left!

[beenhere10years]

Hey Matney,

I am in similar straits with my son, aged 13. He has always had trouble in school, just unmotivated and forgetful. Very uneven academic performance: 90s one week, 20s the next. I met with his teachers last week (like I have done every year since he was 6 years old) and we decided to put him back into support. Is that offered at your school? It's the only way my guy can keep up with his homework. And it takes me out as the middle man/bad guy. I think of it as a 3-pronged attack:

rewards for good grades

restrictions for bad grades

behind the scenes social engineering to make getting good grades easier:

a quiet place to work
no screens (tv, x box, computer) until homework is finished and not before 6pm regardless
support class

Hope this helps. I know how hard it can be. Hang in there.

[Edcity]

Dear Parents,

On reading your posts, it seems that your children indeed have problems in catching up with their homeworks. By placing restrictions on their time on computers, televisions, etc will help. But why go through such troubles?

Edcity Enhancement Program will incorporate technology into education. We carried out all our mentoring lessons via the internet to your children right in front of their computer screens. This is a new educational method and we are sure that the kids will welcome this idea too.

We strategically help the kids based on their homeworks and assignments so as to address to their needs directly and more effectively. Under us, we have a pool of talented and yet dedicated and experienced tutors to mentor your children.

For more information, please visit our site at http://members.lycos.co.uk/edcity/ and enjoy the free 2-week trial with us.
We yearn to be your children's Strategic Partner in their Educational Voyage.

Regards,
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[Mary Hatch Bailey]

Dear Parents,

On reading your posts, it seems that your children indeed have problems in catching up with their homeworks. By placing restrictions on their time on computers, televisions, etc will help. But why go through such troubles?

Its called 'parenting'. Please don't post advertisements here.

[Vaucluse]

Quote:
Dear Parents,

On reading your posts, it seems that your children indeed have problems in catching up with their homeworks. By placing restrictions on their time on computers, televisions, etc will help. But why go through such troubles?

Agree fully with Mary here (no surprise). Unfortunately parenting is handed to maids, institutions and grandparents in Singapore all to often. It shits me to see parents walking ahead of their kids who are being carried, driven or hand-held by maids. But that's another subject.

As for:
Quote:
We yearn to be your children's Strategic Partner in their Educational Voyage.

Jesus Christ . . . . (is used for not saying For F#$@'s Sake). What is wrong with people? Strategic partner for my kids? For F#$@'s Sake. How bizarre can we get?

My kids strategic partners are swallowing heaps of water in the pool, having stitches in her forehead from falling into a fence, scars and bruises on her legs from running headlong into bushes and things.
Strategic partners are my wife and I for cuddling her when she runs to us from doing the abovementioned things.
Strategic partners are my wife and I for helping with homework. When we are no longer capable (a sad thing to say for a couple that has an MBA and a Masters behind their names - the time has already arrived) then we will use tuition and work with teachers. Note the word 'with'!

Yes, it’s called parenting – and no matter how busy we are with our work or social lives, our first responsibility is our children.

For F#$@'s Sake

[Mary Hatch Bailey]

Jesus Christ . . . . (is used for not saying For F#$@'s Sake). What is wrong with people? Strategic partner for my kids? For F#$@'s Sake. How bizarre can we get?

My kids strategic partners are swallowing heaps of water in the pool, having stitches in her forehead from falling into a fence, scars and bruises on her legs from running headlong into bushes and things.
Strategic partners are my wife and I for cuddling her when she runs to us from doing the abovementioned things.
Strategic partners are my wife and I for helping with homework. When we are no longer capable (a sad thing to say for a couple that has an MBA and a Masters behind their names - the time has already arrived) then we will use tuition and work with teachers. Note the word 'with'!

Yes, it’s called parenting – and no matter how busy we are with our work or social lives, our first responsibility is our children.

For F#$@'s Sake

My hero...

[Matney]

Thanks for the support there Vaucluse and Mary Hatch Bailey!! I first read the advertisement and thought it wasn't worth my time typing a response and then I noticed your responses. I totally agree with your responses.

I have had arguments with my father-in-law when my son was much younger about placing our children into a boarding school. My response to him was and still would be that I didn't have the child for someone else to raise. That always shut him up until his next visit.

I also notice the effects of maids raising the children here. I have students in my class who will walk over a item on the floor as they have never needed to pick something up. Forget about doing their shoelaces, why would they need to when the helper will do it for them!

[husticia]

Hi Matney,

I have an almost 17-yr. old son and before he got to his age now, I've probably memorized the lines that his teachers would tell me. Plus, almost lost my voice from too much freaking out and sermon sessions.

Besides relocating too many times, the educational system he entered were all different. From the very strict private catholic schools in the Philippines (where we originally come from), to the more liberated styled US, to the even more laxed way of the German system. With all those said, he was like a tied-up horse that got off. And it was terrible!

If our kids have been kinda lazy and having uneven grades even before entering puberty, then I have to warn you that puberty is a parent's worst nightmare. I should know, I was a hard-headed teenager, too.

My suggestion is, do what you have to do to help him because that is our role as parents, atleast, with the continuous support you're giving hi, there's a chance that he'd realize the importance of study plus of course, appreciate you. Well, that's how I did it with ours and so far, the sense of responsibility has finally struck him and atleast, he's also not behind in school.

Sorry if I wrote too much, I'm affected when it comes to children.

[Mary Hatch Bailey]

I have had arguments with my father-in-law when my son was much younger about placing our children into a boarding school. My response to him was and still would be that I didn't have the child for someone else to raise. That always shut him up until his next visit.

I also notice the effects of maids raising the children here. I have students in my class who will walk over a item on the floor as they have never needed to pick something up. Forget about doing their shoelaces, why would they need to when the helper will do it for them!

Hey Matney, don't knock parent's who put their children in boarding schools. For many parents and many kids it is the right decision. My kids are not away at school but I have friends whose children are. The education and expereinces they are exposed to are on a completely different level. There is just no way to compare. It works for sme families.

The maid thing is a constant battle, all we can do is our best to teach them personal responsibility. Not easy though.

[Matney]

I'm not knocking boarding schools because they do work for some, parents and children. Hubby attended one from the age of 6 onwards, as I guess at the time it was the best solution for his parents. He was taken to the airport & put onto the plane in Kenya to London all by himself. Then travelled by train/bus to arrive at his school. I do think he missed out on a lot by not being with his family but only at holiday time. He has some very interesting stories to tell of his days at school! When I was being told that our children should be at boarding school, I had a difficult time with that as we had decent schools available close by for them. Maybe it was the fact that I didn't like being told how to raise my children by someone who didn't have much contact with his own children.

Maids are great for some; some nationalities are better with the maid situation than others. There must be that happy medium...

[Mary Hatch Bailey]

Can we agree your husband's experience was somewhat Dickensian?

[Matney]

I would say yes. He's not home this week to confirm that with and whether he would agree is another story!

[sq009]

Hmm... why not use reverse psychology? I'm 20, I've experienced that stage too and i find this method rather useful...

Why not bring them to visit a jail, a boys home, or a place full of low education (but hardworking) people such as a wet market...

But of course dun use words such as... "do u want to be like them" or "if u dun study hard you'll end up like this" It sounds alot more negative...

Instead use "I let you choose your path, you do what you like to do and see yourself in the near future in 5 or 10 years"

Ask them to write down their goals, advice them on how to achieve those goals. What they require to achieve through academical means. What skills neccessary to achieve those goals. If they have a goal such as being a waiter or being a bouncer, allow them to work as waiters or whatever comes close and let them decide whether its what they want.

Rewards and punishment method will work only when the reward gets bigger each time...

Allow them to self reflect and think... Deep thinkings...

Currently i can't think of anymore stuff well if you need anymore comments or 'consultation' you can always email me at [email protected]

Sometimes the problem does not lie with them, it could be you. Yeah i know I'm young and talking big. But i still hope my advice helps.

I'm conducting Happy Therapy Too! Its a therapy programme that I've created to TEACH people to be happy

Cheers

[Global Citizen]

I have a 14 yr old son and a daughter who will be 13 in 2 months. My son thinks school is a hassle, doesn't want to put much effort into his homework and doesn't care for what his parents have to say. Can anyone advise us? Where does one go to for help here in Singapore? I have spoken to the school, the counselor at school, and written to the 3 teachers who sent home reports, only heard back from one who we meet up with. I'm not going to have much hair left!

I've only just come across your post and want to say I've been and am in the same boat although my son is older. I'm beginning to wonder if this is gender related as I come from a family of girls but it appears to affect boys alot more than it does girls.

My son has to be constantly motivated and from as far back as I can remember, is forgetful and even somewhat irresponsible and used to always lose his things. I've done my share of motivational pep talks, encouraged him, raged at him all and read him the riot act which has led to a little improvement before he falls back on his old ways. Needless to say it's led to a lot of soul searching on my part in wondering if I'm parenting the right way. A whole lot of guilt and little answers. I've had tutors help him, praised him for his efforts when he puts in some and wonder if he isn't just a late developer. I even considered boarding school for a time but it was out of our budget.

It's heartbreaking to be told over and over again by guidance counsellors and teachers that he's not applying himself as much as he can, that he does not hand in assignments on time etc. The only silver lining in all of this is that he's a good kid, fair and kind to everyone and pretty grounded. I don't know if it's a learning disability that hasn't been discovered yet because he's fairly intelligent but maybe just not academically inclined.

I'd really appreciate some answers too as he's approaching adulthood and will have to face life on his own.

Goodluck to all the parents here in the same dilemma.

[Plavt]

Hmm... why not use reverse psychology? I'm 20, I've experienced that stage too and i find this method rather useful...

Why not bring them to visit a jail, a boys home, or a place full of low education (but hardworking) people such as a wet market...

But of course dun use words such as... "do u want to be like them" or "if u dun study hard you'll end up like this" It sounds alot more negative...

Instead use "I let you choose your path, you do what you like to do and see yourself in the near future in 5 or 10 years"

Ask them to write down their goals, advice them on how to achieve those goals. What they require to achieve through academical means. What skills neccessary to achieve those goals. If they have a goal such as being a waiter or being a bouncer, allow them to work as waiters or whatever comes close and let them decide whether its what they want.

Rewards and punishment method will work only when the reward gets bigger each time...

Allow them to self reflect and think... Deep thinkings...

Currently i can't think of anymore stuff well if you need anymore comments or 'consultation' you can always email me at [email protected]

Sometimes the problem does not lie with them, it could be you. Yeah i know I'm young and talking big. But i still hope my advice helps.

I'm conducting Happy Therapy Too! Its a therapy programme that I've created to TEACH people to be happy

Cheers

Sorry but you may be advocating a method that is tried and tested and found to be a colossal failure. I remember at High School they tried assessing us to what careers or jobs between the ages of 11 and 15. However, later research found this to be a complete waste of time. I think the problem here is one of the most difficult for any parent which I am not and can only sympathize with the posters here.

Plavt.